2017

I feel as though each time I pour myself its jotted on a paper you quickly fold then place in your pocket.

Ghosts of who we were, who I thought we were.

In the Never-was memories that swell.

Floral button up shirts and I swear to god I wish I never yelled out your name to turn back my way.

Time wasted like discarded yarn, I wish I could string back into a ball, collect my memories back.

Uphill with my periwinkle hair, I wish the walks would've been as alone as you made them feel.

October 6th 2017:

I've dedicated myself to you, my loyalty was always true. 

You could trust me, you could be safe.

I was submerged in love with you.

You used to make me feel like it was going to be worth staying. 

You'd hold me and tell me that you loved me, filling me with radiating warmth, saying you would never do to me as others had. 

I held my hands open to you, trusting... circling my fingers on your palms.

Connecting our lines.

But now I wonder every day how many times you held someone else and said the same.

You reach your hand out to touch me and I flinch while feeling the sting of how you continued to touch her. Them.

While you kissed me, while you grasped my soft hips,  held my sides, whispering how much you loved me and needed me, that I was healing you, "don't go", while you came inside of me for two years.

Did you do the same with her, with them?

Stripped my being and my integrity as she stripped for you.

People you claimed had hurt you so ferociously, people who had sliced wounds into your back, into your soul. That I spent my energy tending to your wounds while you created mine.

People you coined "succubus", and talked negatively about as though they owed you something still.

People you hurt me with by thinking I should only be angry with them. 

While you jeopardized my emotional and physical well being. 

My spirit entirely to rubble.

I am allowed to be angry. 

I'm allowed to be hurt. 

I was never a hidden secret.

I was patient while you were off ignoring me for days. 

Disappearing and binging.

I ceased to exist as you entered yourself between their thighs, while I tossed and turned crying hysterically in my bed grasping my breathing, stirring, growing womb, until I became numb; wondering why.

Why the fuck am I bound to you?

Why the fuck didn't you just let me go?

Why the fuck would they be brave enough to look into my eyes but fail to see that I do fucking exist?

You promised your word as I forgave, 

held you near, licked your wounds while leaving my own gaping still.

You never wanted to disappoint me again. 

That you claimed you were terrible for hurting me, an unlimited fountain of excuses.

Then crawled into bed, into another's arms, again... and I will never know how many times. 

I will never know what I thought was happening in those times. 

How blinded I was by false hope.

When I found her hair on my pillow case and held it over a flame to watch it dance and rapidly shrink. 

A visual metaphor for how it made me feel, for how I hope her guilt eats her from the inside as if it'll repair what was stolen from my being.

 I felt in my soul my trust being broken.

Splintering then slicing into me and making me bleed out the way I miscarried our first and you blamed me instead of holding me.

I defended you even still, as you made a mockery of my integrity.

You walked around with your coward head held high, drunk and with pride. 

I wish I would have known, or at least listened to my own intuition that retched in my gut. 

Cringing at the sound of the distance in your voice as you made promise after promise to weave back in closer to me, to play it all over again.

I wish just once someone could have been honest. 

But that's a rare commodity these days.

I have zero trust left to account for.

And I've been broken beyond repair.

While feeling an innocent being inside me that I could have sworn was made from Love... that has no idea how you've already betrayed her by tearing pieces from me, feeling her tiny hands learning to touch, her tiny body nourished by my own; I pray she never knows these feelings. 

While I count ceiling tiles until the thoughts pass of how I would rather be dead than to continue doing this repeated bullshit dance with you and your cohorts.

Being emotionally torn from my own body, dragged violently.

Being told that I'm wrong for still loving,

That it was my fault for forgiving you.

That I found strength in the first time I forgave you.

It weakened my foundation from there.

I gave you my power and you used this to destroy me.

You let others destroy me and fed them for doing so.

As they fed from me, unknowingly being poisoned, they'll know now.

You were never magic. I was. You have no power.

You were never the warmth that the sun reflected off of you.

You were never this creative, feeling, soft creature trying to find their way in darkness the way I was.

Instead you stood in my crossroads. 

You blocked my journey, for what?

I now have to carry part of you as I try to walk away.

It's heavy,

My heart. 

Cicada orchestrated
summer heat.
I drag her through the woods.
Eyes meet in fleeting moments,
Should've turned back then.
Blood Lust.
Hell hath...
(...you should've turned back then.)
No fury.
Under the four folding suns.
Oh, Oh, Oh.
Blades, pristine.
Babe.
You should have run.
Death.
Magic.
Full moon. Come.

Saree Nyxi
May 8th 2017

I scrolled through motivational posts to keep my spirits up.
I made my own, I continued on my guise, my alter ego, as a clutch.
I stopped at a post that was a picture side by side of "two break ups."
---One was a girl who savagely threw all items into the yard scattered, trashed, and with every ounce of strength in her probably crying herself hysterically into convulsions.
the second was everything nicely folded on the stairs up to the door. Meticulously organized and each memories placed in boxes mourned to the point where it was already dead, as dead as her neglected heart.
The caption was Girl one is most likely to take him back, Girl two was done.

I sighed but it stuck in my head. I lied twice about locking myself out of the house.
One time because I missed you even though I should have just let go, I already knew whose legs you were between, though you'd coax mine open with loving lies. Half lies, you're a confusing breed.
The one that feels with their soul, but denies it so fiercely that you've convinced yourself you don't.
The other time, I tried to keep my key, this time was goodbye.
I thought.

You kissed differently for those months. I cried hysterically to the point of convulsions in the sheets we used to lay. Clutching my stomach and chest and letting hell dance from me as I cursed you and cursed her... however many hers there ended up being.
As I still smiled, I still held your hand, and still let her hug me while staring you down.
I played the part I thought I had to play, Whatever you wanted, I made as many sacrifices as I could.
My face on the fool card... wishing I was the Hanged Man instead, I pulled a Strength but I felt weak.
I'd ask questions and never be met with truth. Each lie made my mouth taste more and more bitter.
But never once did I use the venom that encompassed me.
I collected tiny pieces of myself and continued to play this stupid dance number you were choreographing.
Whether she was also a pawn, or just some goal, or you were both each others sick Fuck game.
Where she continues to brag about bedding peoples friends and humans that's claim to be taken by another.
I know you had done this with others, with the same girl you called succubus and evil.
That you sent "I heart You" while laying naked in my bed while I was at work claiming it meant nothing.
You instead, made ME feel like nothing.

I wanted to envy her. Even though I reached out to her, an open hand not hiding any tricks.
I asked straightforwardly, but cowards never tell the truth.
At the time you two were deserving of each other.
Cold, coiled up in dark caves at night, whispering lies to each other in musty rooms where her make up would smear your pillowcases. I envisioned the light of your screen saver reflecting off her face and wide eyes as I entered your room.
The smirk, I wanted to slice off of her face. I wanted to light your bed on fire.
I wanted to set your red curtains into flames, engulfing your room. I lit candles with hatred.
But never with envy.

I set a protection on myself. I breathed in the serpents blood.
I danced with my demons while letting them tear viciously.
I was no where near weak, I was forgiving.
I had to be, I was the only one that knew your safe words.
I had too many dreams about the soul trapped in you to let you bury yourself.
But now, you keep burying me.

Screaming colors into the abyss as I tear my hands into soil I once planted myself in.
What have we watered? What have we become?
Little leaves with blooming buds.

Crawling on through so we struggle just to dance to the sky.
My warm arms, I carry hope. I carry hope.
With all her vibrancy as spring's pollen coat.
Climbing on rooftops, calling out to the wind.
I'm no where that I want to be.
Reflecting light, but I can't hold my own just yet.
Sunshine falling from my lips.
My heart filled with golden fluids spilling out.
Eyes back as I rip myself apart.
Petals plummet in seasons change.
Goddess in her ways.
Fall apart then rebuild for days.
Queens of heavens, they say things happen in threes,
but I'm convinced it's sevens.
Saree Nyxi
June 2017

Rattling my jaw like a thousand years torn from pages of your book of shadows.
A roaring wind across the oceans.
Tearing trees from their roots.
Clenching my fist with all of your lies.
Cast out, cast out.
Like the light in your eyes.
Travel centuries to see it through.
Emitting into me from you.
Cold waves crashing along the shore like hands beating drums.
Hands to catch you.