Dream: the Greenhouse

First dream in weeks... I'm walking through a corridor, I feel I am about 5 or 6 years old. I'm walking slowly, softly swiping my hand along the wall as I walk. I feel curious and scared. At the end of the corridor is a large door, the sun is spilling in, it feels warm although I'm not close yet. I keep taking small steps inching closer. When I stand about one inch from the light. I look up and a small cat walks in the door, I can only see her shadow, she rubs along the door then flops on the sunspot and rolls on her back to show her striped belly.

I step into the sun with her, and look out the doorway.
There's a few stairs that go to a huge meadow, lush beautiful grass with small indian paintbrush flowers and poppies. The kitty is still rolling around in the dust and sun happily.
I look back down the hall from where I came, it's light blue looking, shadowed, kind of cold.
I see a lady in the distance, down crouching by a bush, she seems to be looking at something, or for something. I run over to her, hoping she is my mom.
But she's not my mom at all, she's me (my real age me).
I stare at her, she is holding a small bird, she points to a nest it must've hopped out of that is in the bush in front of her. She kneels down in front of me and moves my hair from my eyes. She tells me that my eye color is going to change from blue to green this year and picks me up (that happened when I was 7 in waking life).

Suddenly I'm in a greenhouse with a male friend of mine. (I'm real age me again)
I can't understand anything being said but I'm happy anyway. I'm running my fingers along leaves of plants and suddenly I'm holding a small toddler boy, he is naked and is pointing at the flowers with me. He lays his head on me and I feel very secure here.

When I wake up I have butterflies in my tummy and I feel very excited and hopeful.

I'm tearing away all the negativity, like leeches with their teeth sunk into my skin I will peel back these layers.
I realize these walls are what prevent me from seeing what I actually have.
I hide away and peer over the tops, looking back the way things Used to be...
although they could still be that way if only I could...
I am tearing away, my fingers bleeding from the wear and tear of breaking myself back down.
I've been preparing so I can just start all over.
I built these walls to protect myself, but they've caused me more harm.
When all you're left with is yourself....
you feel like you are the only thing left to hate.
Like you're stuck in some time warp tunnel and you can hear the echo of your everday life and it spins by
seeming unreal. It's in arms reach, all you have to do is reach out.

Where ever in our wayward travels, does the sun glisten in my eyes,
Sparkle forward, and if you listen as the cinders die.
We've cast forth our spells of moonlight on the oceans waves.
We wait until we're whole again, full again, til 'our' heart behaves.
We are a singular entity, pulled apart, question identity.
Peel away our layers and break down all our walls.
We set out to where the summer breeze calls.
It may be a long travel to where we are going,
But in the end we'll know that's where we belong.
Into misty clouds that block our vision, then we'll see it crystal clear.
We'll hum to our selves, melodies that create our song.
We feel it in our hearts, we see it in our dreams,
the transcendence of our prismatic souls is near.
We'll feel the warmth of all of those we've loved, creating fire, guiding light.
The soothe us in the darkest night.
I feel I've lost you once before.
I see a vision, glimpses, pieces, something more.
Where our hands are held, to the sky
and I make you a promise, that I love you,
I'll cast reflection on the walls in caves...
until we're whole again...
full again...
til 'our' heart behaves.

may 2010

Saree A. McClaran

Full Moon: Release (May 28th)

I Release Walls I Built.

I know that this process is going to be intense, and I'm ready. I've been preparing for quite a while; some of the walls I put up, put me further away from things I needed in my life than I realized until recently.
Looking back but moving forward isn't how I want to live forever. I want to release all the walls that I thought would help heal my heart, but it just tore me further from myself.

We build walls because we've been hurt. We want people to help up tear them down when we're ready again, but how can we ever know that we are ready if we are wearing blinders? We as human beings are full of emotion, and love.
Why would we block those??

So.... me and my paintbrush are tearing down all these walls tonight.

and it's started.

Dream: "Night Room"

I dreamt I was walking through this house in buffalo called "the Birdhouse (it's where a bunch of punk kids live and they put on shows and stuff) well, one of my friend was standing on the stairs and he goes to me, "Hey Dale is looking for you! He is in the night room" so I start going up the stairs, I don't know which room is 'the night room' so I start opening doors, each time people pull me in smiling and talking trying to distract me.
Then I remember I am looking for Dale, and start going to the stairs again. I finally reach the room he is in, I open the door and it looks like the ceiling has been removed so it's just the night sky, All the stars are vibrant and the moon is full and bright. Dale is sitting just staring at the moon, he doesn't even look at me, or seem to notice I am here.
I sit down next to him, I look at his face and realize how much I miss him in real life because I havent seen him n probably two years. I stare up at the moon with him, and the air smells fresh and beautiful. He reaches over and holds my hand.
We look at each other and he looks confused, almost in disbelief he says "You came back!?"

and I wake up crying again...

Update: August 2012, after I had this dream I went through quite a bit of people to finally get a hold of Dale. He laughed off my dream and told me he was fine and that he loved me and how "weird I was about my dreams" He reminded me of how our friend Brandon passed away and how I had a dream about it a few weeks before that. It made me feel worse, I sort of went a bit crazy after Brandon passed away and did a lot of acid to try to remove myself from my reality, instead it helped me see things clearer. We talked about this, he admitted he was depressed.
The last time I talked to him was the day I had Rory (April 27 2012), he texted me that he heard I had my son and he was happy for me because I will be a great mom.

This month Dale is in a coma. he was in a motorcycle accident I don't know a lot of details, but felt I needed to put my thoughts down here about it. Fuck.

Dream: Seedlings

I haven't been dreaming as often it seems... but this one I had on thursday.

There are a group of women standing in a circle, we are joining hands, there are 11 of us. I have my eyes closed and I feel a low humming as we meditate together, my friend Jackie is on one side of me, and my mom is on the other side.
I feel someone watching, they don't feel familiar here. I open my eyes a woman is there standing a few feet from us, she has dark hair, it's very messy and her eyes have dark circles under them. I remove myself from the circle to walk toward her, the other women in my circle look up, but continue.

I walk toward her and she stares at me, I know her through my dreams.
She tells me without speaking she 'needs me help', and she' has come early because she knew I'd be following the trees have given me soon so I could finally continue'.
I take her hand and she and I enter the circle of the ten other women, they surround us. The women all hum a song so beautiful my eyes tear up. I hold the girls hands and watch her eyes go from a murky color to a light color, blue or green. Her hair is shimmering like rainbows and there is light surrounding us.
I start coughing and drop to my knees. I am saying something but it's coming out sounding backwards, or a language I myself don't even understand.
She joins hands with the 10 woman and I'm still in the middle coughing up chunks of dirt into my hands. The women all stop and take me to a small well to get me water.

A woman hands me a glass of water the water is a see through violet or purple color. I feel normal and see I'm still clutching dirt I had coughed out. I look at it and it has 2 small seedlings growing, The girl I helped is smiling, she has beautiful flowing reddish hair now and bright beautiful eyes, she walks toward me and sits on her knees in front of me, she tells me these seedlings will someday be my children, and I will name one of them after the Light, and one of them after the Dark.

When I wake up my boyfriend is staring at me, he tells me I was talking in my sleep but none of it was making any sense. Also, my mouth is very dry, and I'm VERY thirsty when I wake up.

Dreams: Fish tank/ Crucifix

I keep having what I'd call series of smaller dreams, which seem to only last a few minutes, and just transition into eachother but don't flow into eachother. Not typical to the way I regularly dream, they are choppy and harder to keep track of for me personally.
I've also been told I've been talking in my sleep again, and sometimes wake up, and I'm already sitting up, and I feel as though I'm being 'stared at' or even 'watched' I can't explain.

I'm walking through a house with a bag of groceries in my arms, I'm waiting for my mom to come home (in waking life I do not live with my mom) I'm standing in my kitchen and I'm startled by a man, I do not know him, he is older he is standing in the doorway behind me, at first I just feel him staring at me, so I turn around.
Suddenly I'm walking to my bathroom my mom's cat Colby is sitting on a shelf I have, and my fishtank is on a shelf where my bathroom mirror is, my fish (Truffle, a 3 year old Black Moor) is covered in a thick slime coat, I start freaking out because she is sick and I put my hand in her tank and swish water around in the bottom for some reason.
A guy comes in, he grabs me from behind, I can't see him but he pulls me away from my fishtank, and pulls me to the floor, I feel hysterical (in waking life I feel like she is my daughter because I've had her for three years and love her a lot).

I wake up for a brief moment ( I think) because I remember light coming in from my bedroom window, I start dreaming I am at my grandmother's house, I'm in her room, and I'm wearing grey cableknit tights and a blue empire dress, a boy I used to see back when I was in my teens but no longer associate at all comes in. He grabs me and forces me to have sex with him. I feel blank and just stare at the crucifixes on the wall.
When he's done I lay on a pile of clothes and fall into a hole underneath them.

I wake up, and my boyfriend is staring out the window,
I can't talk though I feel my tongue is heavy.
I try to sit up but my body is also very heavy.
I close my eyes, for what I think is a moment, but when I wake up he isn't in the room anymore.

but he tells me I was talking in my sleep, but it wasn't really making much sense and he didn't want to talk about it.....