Things I should never admit

Sometimes there is something under my skin that crawls to the surfaces.
Through my veins it stings and swells until it becomes it's own entity.
Without blades to cut, the skin just tears itself from the inside... only I can see it.
You could be laying right next to me but you'll never see it pouring from me.
You'll never see the inside prying through.
I could be screaming for help but you'll only hear a whisper under my breath,
like confessions in our sleep.

There are fingertips pressing my spine. The fluids cease and freezes and I can no longer...
I'm numb, but it's so dull that I'm vibrating just from the energy I'm using to try and speak.
I'm breaking.
My ultraviolet blood all over your hands.
You can't see, you can never fucking see this.

-Saree McClaran

Dream: 2 purple manta rays water birth

Yesterday I had an amazing dream that it was my due date. For some reason I had a little umbilical cord that had fallen off of me and was holding it in my hand. I felt a bit sad that it had fallen off, like I was no longer connected. I went outside and there was a parade going on, fireworks, music but I was just trying to find my friend Els because it was time for my baby to come.
I was walking up wooden stairs almost to a patio and Erin was there. Her and Elsbeth helped me into a large pool, it became dark out, and there were blue and green lights lit up, I felt beautiful, and peaceful.

Two black and purple manta rays came up to me, they started swimming around me and nudging my belly. They seemed to glow in the dark and were beautiful. They were there to help guide me through my birth and help me have my little boy.
I had him in the pool and they pushed him to the surface, I took him and held him close in my arms and kept thanking them and saying I love you.
I woke up feeling relieved and wishing it were real...

New Year

Did you know as the echoing inside you vibrates, there are one thousand beings that needed just to hear your whispers.
But it emanates through me.
As the sunlight channels through your hair the vibrancy is what has collected in the morning dew for years to feed.
This is all for us. Dine.
Waking up to the shadows cast by light blue curtains and over sized origami snowflakes. Reach over and hold my hand.

You say that my eyes are the stars that give birth to our hearts. That a tower of warmth cascades from my outstretched arms as I reach for you.
You're the only one who can see my light through the stained glass. Peel back the dried paint. Breathe me in.
Catch my breath, because I never will.

I'm still falling in this transitional kaleidoscope, where galaxies dance before they swallow one another.
Eat me Whole, it's happening.
Fingertips, parted lips and a child on the way.
Don't ever tell me this isn't worth what has changed me.

-Saree A. McClaran
December 31st 2011

I'm horrible at updating this.
Update: My son Rory will be born April 23rd 2012.

All my recent dreams have dealt with my pregnancy.

G's daughter was driving us somewhere (she is only 9!) The car stalled and she couldn't get it to start, I have no idea where George was and I was freaking out I got her out of the drivers side and in the back I was walking around the front of the car to drive and a truck, a HUGE truck purposely slammed into our car which slammed into my tummy.
I dropped down holding my stomach worrying that Rory was hurt.

Rory Salvatore Moore

Little Rory,
I have never loved someone I had not met before. Our eyes have not met yet, I haven't seen your tiny nose or felt your tiny fingers grasp mine yet. But I feel your heartbeat everyday, your little kicks and flutters, you wiggle and are very active.
Daddy and I love you more than words could ever explain and everything is falling into place.
I love you so much baby boy!

Taurus

Dark clouds of worry traveled up Buddah's tummy, rummaging through his ribs to stir up his heart before they flew from his lips. Fear Nothing. Like a graceful explosion.
Transcend, the Matriarch showed me the sun. Bodies of water full of beautiful birthing mothers with gentle hands. We float like the frequencies in the air, there is no coincidence. This is all a structured plan.
She sat on the dock and fed the koi neon colored insects that later grew into her own children.
The Sun sets on the Taurus Full Moon.

-Saree McClaran
Nov '11