Organs

There's a horrible frequency sound that keeps me up at night.
It's in my head. But it vibrates all the items off shelves, the tables and chairs shaking into the center of the room to collapse on to me.
The rattling is the same sound as chattering teeth while I shiver when you aren't near.

For just the hours in the dark alone, I scrape my fingernails against the wall as I try not to let go.
The floor pulls me down to lay, and in slow motion I see myself drifting up to the ceiling.
It's hard to feel, because I feel too much.
I've always been too easily affected by these vibrations, the voices, the soft pressing fingers of ghosts checking my pulse.
"She's still alive?" They whisper in surprise.

My soul tastes like foreign cakes, delicacy to those who can only taste buried placentas.
Wrap me in these light blue veins. Take me under, pull me through.
Are you strong enough to carry the burden of love? Don't be naive to the truth.
When I'm crawling away like a child exploring, my eyes are shut. Sleep walk.
Have you ever seen the reflection of her eyes on in a pitch dark room?
Mouth open to eat the thoughts right from your conscious.
I've stared her down, become her, and puked myself out.

This is where you find me. Encapsulated in embryo.
A prisoner of waves parted, waiting for these contractions to begin.
Her womb hardens to push me out of this cave.
Will my father catch me as I fall?
Will my mother cry when she looks in my eyes?
Is it fear or is it love? I'll learn with time, it'll always be both.
Pumping blue to meet with red.

-Saree McClaran Feb 2012

Dragon

People don't get offended by metaphors because in metaphors it's all on how your mind identifies with it. If you're offended by it, then maybe it's in your head.
When you're reading it your mind produces the images, the feelings, however you portray it is how it is inside you.
Sometimes the things inside you are too dark to even put creatively.
Sometimes if they aren't out, and brought to light then they'll grab your ankles and drag you down into the evil you've been warned of your whole life.

The year of the Dragon sure started out with a fucking bang. Proof we've been sitting in a water sign far too long. My hands are pruned from pulling myself above the water so many times that drowning myself has been the only way out. Sometimes my own weight becomes the fiercest enemy. I shake it off and I'm new.
But lately the shaking just spread the fears, seeps in through my veins like osmosis and Neptune's vibrations echo out to remind me that soon, may be too soon, but also may be too far away.

Where you get stuck in that corner of your mind between time that fills with static and anxiety.
Like a frightened cat hesitating those few seconds between the tires of the car, and your small child in the backseat who makes eye contact with the cat before you feel the bump.
Your heart sinks, you hear them holding their breath and pray to all that is holy they don't look behind the car.
Or when you've realized you ARE that child. You didn't need to look, your eyes filled with tears and the image of that cat meeting eyes with you is etched into your brain for the rest of your life.
Do you resent yourself for hitting the cat?

You ARE that cat. And the lights are blaring in your eyes. Blinded. You know it's over and are still. You can't stop whatever the thunder brings. You don't know the measurements between the wheels to avoid certain death. Your last image...
What is it?

Your mother? Your children? The Ocean's waves even if you've never seen them in person?
The way the wind creates ripples in the fresh snow the same way?
The brightest leaves blowing on your favorite warm day? The eyes of the last person you hurt?
The one you love crying cuddled up in bed holding on to your belongings?

Don't hesitate. Don't ever fucking hesitate.

Saree McClaran

Things I should never admit

Sometimes there is something under my skin that crawls to the surfaces.
Through my veins it stings and swells until it becomes it's own entity.
Without blades to cut, the skin just tears itself from the inside... only I can see it.
You could be laying right next to me but you'll never see it pouring from me.
You'll never see the inside prying through.
I could be screaming for help but you'll only hear a whisper under my breath,
like confessions in our sleep.

There are fingertips pressing my spine. The fluids cease and freezes and I can no longer...
I'm numb, but it's so dull that I'm vibrating just from the energy I'm using to try and speak.
I'm breaking.
My ultraviolet blood all over your hands.
You can't see, you can never fucking see this.

-Saree McClaran

Dream: 2 purple manta rays water birth

Yesterday I had an amazing dream that it was my due date. For some reason I had a little umbilical cord that had fallen off of me and was holding it in my hand. I felt a bit sad that it had fallen off, like I was no longer connected. I went outside and there was a parade going on, fireworks, music but I was just trying to find my friend Els because it was time for my baby to come.
I was walking up wooden stairs almost to a patio and Erin was there. Her and Elsbeth helped me into a large pool, it became dark out, and there were blue and green lights lit up, I felt beautiful, and peaceful.

Two black and purple manta rays came up to me, they started swimming around me and nudging my belly. They seemed to glow in the dark and were beautiful. They were there to help guide me through my birth and help me have my little boy.
I had him in the pool and they pushed him to the surface, I took him and held him close in my arms and kept thanking them and saying I love you.
I woke up feeling relieved and wishing it were real...

New Year

Did you know as the echoing inside you vibrates, there are one thousand beings that needed just to hear your whispers.
But it emanates through me.
As the sunlight channels through your hair the vibrancy is what has collected in the morning dew for years to feed.
This is all for us. Dine.
Waking up to the shadows cast by light blue curtains and over sized origami snowflakes. Reach over and hold my hand.

You say that my eyes are the stars that give birth to our hearts. That a tower of warmth cascades from my outstretched arms as I reach for you.
You're the only one who can see my light through the stained glass. Peel back the dried paint. Breathe me in.
Catch my breath, because I never will.

I'm still falling in this transitional kaleidoscope, where galaxies dance before they swallow one another.
Eat me Whole, it's happening.
Fingertips, parted lips and a child on the way.
Don't ever tell me this isn't worth what has changed me.

-Saree A. McClaran
December 31st 2011

I'm horrible at updating this.
Update: My son Rory will be born April 23rd 2012.

All my recent dreams have dealt with my pregnancy.

G's daughter was driving us somewhere (she is only 9!) The car stalled and she couldn't get it to start, I have no idea where George was and I was freaking out I got her out of the drivers side and in the back I was walking around the front of the car to drive and a truck, a HUGE truck purposely slammed into our car which slammed into my tummy.
I dropped down holding my stomach worrying that Rory was hurt.

Rory Salvatore Moore

Little Rory,
I have never loved someone I had not met before. Our eyes have not met yet, I haven't seen your tiny nose or felt your tiny fingers grasp mine yet. But I feel your heartbeat everyday, your little kicks and flutters, you wiggle and are very active.
Daddy and I love you more than words could ever explain and everything is falling into place.
I love you so much baby boy!