Dream- Life for Death

I had a dream that I was at a party and reading the paper, I was shocked to see my sort of friend George's obituary, because this person has not yet passed...
I looked up and walked through a crowd at the party, everything was in slow motion as I tried to rush through to find my friend. Everyone was looking at me.
I hurried down a flight of stairs asking everyone where my friend was.
They said that this was his funeral party, everyone was wearing white and drinking.
My other friend Matt comes over to and whispers in my ear "Your water just broke."
I look down and the floor is covered in water, and flopping vibrant goldfish.
I hold my stomach, I don't look pregnant, and he says "You have to give, to get... you said that, right?"
I look up and my friend George, whom the "funeral party" is or is standing in front of me.
I am so confused

and then I woke up.

Update: August 2011: I am pregnant, with George's child, we started dating in April.

Update: May 2012: I had our son on the 27th. George's father (Also George,) Passed away the morning we were bringing Rory our son home. I feel so heavy with guilt right now.
I felt him in the hospital with us. Our first "outing" with our child is his funeral.
I have some heavy dark clouds hanging all over me right now. I keep listening to Same Dream China on repeat.

My bones are aching for this; whatever it is. I felt it crawling through the fields at a distance, and pretended to catch it with a blind eye. But, baby I'm open and destructive. This is when I love myself the most. You could be a close second. Partner in crime. I've got a fire in my heart, and a mind to use it. Spring Time

Dream- May, Hall.

I'm walking down a long hall where the light is spilling in windows, and I start running and I'm laughing.
I breathe him in and feeling nostalgia that I don't want to have with him.
I whisper to him, what's the difference between May 14th, and May 15th?
He smiles completely unknowing, I feel let down, and yearning.
Then I wake up...

Super Moon- Virgo

They had Tambourines placed in their Tombs. So when we brought them back we made instruments from their Bones. Sunday's fallen children. Shake down the Snow, caress the Trees that Grow. Sing their songs, Chants and Dance. Watch your crystallized spirit with each exhale reach the sun. You don't know until you've lost your breath, just how fast you can run.

I was sitting on the floor in my living room, I had been painting and decided to meditate, it was about 11:00pm.
Almost sleeping, lucid dreaming, I watched a woman come into my dining room from the hall, I often see her from my bedroom, always in the hall, sometimes in the kitchen.
She stood in the doorway for a moment, and then sat on the floor Indian style across from me. She was wearing white and her hair was up today. She has dark hair, and it's usually down and messy.
She held out her palms and without words told me she preferred I didn't sleep in my bedroom by the window (So, I'm going to move my bed tomorrow).
She told me when I wake from the trance I was in I was going to take a walk, and be open, and to let my spirits touch me because I have blocked out certain gifts I have with fear. Then she grinned and half laughed.
In my "dream" I woke up, I stood up, and she did at the same time.
But then I woke up for real, and was laying down instead of sitting.
So I took a walk.
When I walk I imagine, and to me something said that I was supposed to tell you, that:

"I'm supposed to lead you to an ocean that is in the middle of the trees, there is no water, just Light. There's a wooded area where mystics sew golden thread into their wrists to create a ladder, and that's where I met you."

A Secret from September 2010

Last summer I read a story about a woman that spent her whole life not being aware she had manic depression. She was in and out of mental institutions from a young age until later in life she decided after many therapists failed that she would get Electric Shock Therapy...
She said for years after that she was the happiest she had been in her entire life.

I had been severely depressed for over a year and almost fantasized about getting electric shock therapy for myself. I was at my exes apartment and fell backward into a wall, to catch myself I grabbed the water heater, at just an angle that the voltage electrocuted me for a moment.
He stood there and stared at me.
I couldn't respond.
Or think.
or feel anything what so ever.
I went into the other room when I remembered how to walk,
I sat on the edge of the bed, I couldn't feel my arm except a buzzing that was circling it's way through my body.
I started laughing hysterically. I imagined a small blue spark spiraling through my blood chasing out all my depression.
I laughed so hard I started bawling. He stood in the doorway and asked me what happened? What was wrong.

What I couldn't say... was that I fell out of love with him.
I walked home that night and everything was glistening, it started pouring as I reached my house, and instead of going in, I kept walking in it. Hoping I would be struck by lightening.


I researched the author of the book I had read, and she killed herself 6 years later.
She drown herself in her husband's mistresses pool.
And I can't help but think. How fucking beautiful.