New Year

Did you know as the echoing inside you vibrates, there are one thousand beings that needed just to hear your whispers.
But it emanates through me.
As the sunlight channels through your hair the vibrancy is what has collected in the morning dew for years to feed.
This is all for us. Dine.
Waking up to the shadows cast by light blue curtains and over sized origami snowflakes. Reach over and hold my hand.

You say that my eyes are the stars that give birth to our hearts. That a tower of warmth cascades from my outstretched arms as I reach for you.
You're the only one who can see my light through the stained glass. Peel back the dried paint. Breathe me in.
Catch my breath, because I never will.

I'm still falling in this transitional kaleidoscope, where galaxies dance before they swallow one another.
Eat me Whole, it's happening.
Fingertips, parted lips and a child on the way.
Don't ever tell me this isn't worth what has changed me.

-Saree A. McClaran
December 31st 2011

I'm horrible at updating this.
Update: My son Rory will be born April 23rd 2012.

All my recent dreams have dealt with my pregnancy.

G's daughter was driving us somewhere (she is only 9!) The car stalled and she couldn't get it to start, I have no idea where George was and I was freaking out I got her out of the drivers side and in the back I was walking around the front of the car to drive and a truck, a HUGE truck purposely slammed into our car which slammed into my tummy.
I dropped down holding my stomach worrying that Rory was hurt.

Rory Salvatore Moore

Little Rory,
I have never loved someone I had not met before. Our eyes have not met yet, I haven't seen your tiny nose or felt your tiny fingers grasp mine yet. But I feel your heartbeat everyday, your little kicks and flutters, you wiggle and are very active.
Daddy and I love you more than words could ever explain and everything is falling into place.
I love you so much baby boy!

Taurus

Dark clouds of worry traveled up Buddah's tummy, rummaging through his ribs to stir up his heart before they flew from his lips. Fear Nothing. Like a graceful explosion.
Transcend, the Matriarch showed me the sun. Bodies of water full of beautiful birthing mothers with gentle hands. We float like the frequencies in the air, there is no coincidence. This is all a structured plan.
She sat on the dock and fed the koi neon colored insects that later grew into her own children.
The Sun sets on the Taurus Full Moon.

-Saree McClaran
Nov '11

We saw you today for the very first time.

I'm in love.

I have walked far and beyond alone carrying makeshift weapons to protect me from all I've come encounter with.
But it's just a sound that can bring me to my knees, the the strongest of swords taking one swift hit to my ribs.
I carry my body with the weight of the world.
Don't touch me when I collapse because one wrong move and the galaxy can be sucked in through the transcending abyss that opens in our hearts.
Such beauty in the parallel movement. The fluidity in watching our past die.
The mystery of what's to come, will you still see me eye to eye as I bleed out my life force in the most magnificent dance of constellations we've ever bared witness to?

Dream: Grandma cab daughter

George and I get a cab to my grandmothers house, for some reason we live there with her.
He doesn't want to pay the cab driver and I'm upset at him about it, I walk into my grandma's and up the stairs to where my bedroom used to be, the whole upstairs is backwards, and my room has a door (in waking life it has never had a door) I open the door and it's my "daughter's" room, I have two other children in this dream, but this little girl, about 5 looks like my grandma, dark curly hair, huge green eyes, and she has french features, like her high cheekbones and small mouth.
She keeps talking about silly stuff and giggling and showing me stuff in her room excitedly.

I hear my mom talking and I miss her so much, so I run downstairs, it's christmas, three children are downstairs opening gifts, my brother is still young, and I can't find my mom....

I wake up feeling really sad.

Had a dream today that I was at my grandma's house sitting on her porch with her when there was a giant baby winnie the pooh stuffed animal/balloon bumbling about in the sky. I pointed to it and it landed on the house and my grandma goes excitedly"ohhh a baby on the way!!" Then we got in the car with my grandpa and he was driving in some field and I told him we shouldn't be driving here it's dangerous and he goes, "I know that! I don't care if there are f*ckin werewolves here though! This is the way we're drivin!"

I've had depression for 20 years...

After 25 years you'd think I'd have gotten the hang of being Alive by now

Two Lines.

Heart Boxing

I don't feel mentally stable.

You are Here. I AM Here.

It's encased in my ribcage. My pretty little drum machine.
Be good baby, cause I'm not as fragile as I look.

Speak too soon.

What the fuck does it matter at this point.
Lot of sporadic dreaming that I can't remember.
Not as many migraines, but more and more little visions...
Hallucinating and prophetical. What's the difference??

Dig holes. Fill wombs. Eat well. Knock on Tombs.
Pay my respects to whatever, whomever, you are. Call, Call, Call.
There are bats all around- spirits and souls on their backs.

Dream: Tubes

I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and I wasn't wearing a shirt I looked down and it looked like a little needle was trying to poke through my skin on my nipple, from the inside trying to poke out.
So I grabbed it and started pulling, and pulling, and pulling.
The first part looked like a blue needle but then it go to more the thickness of a straw, it was a tube, and it was pretty durable, like a rubbery material.
It was about the length of my arm.
I got up and went into the bathroom, it was the bathroom of my mom's old place, where the one bathroom on the side led to my old bedroom.
I walked in and my mom was there sitting, reading a book I showed her the tube.
I looked down and my nipple was leaking, whiteish watery stuff, like milk.

Hungry

You think you're free? You look ahead and behind and your just another in the line. You see the path it's so close. But you fear the run.
You'll heal from the bruises, believe me. The pain goes away once you reach that field, there is a clearing before the woods.
You stay in the single file line and you'll never see it.
The most beautiful thing that man can comprehend, you might find someone you love, if you can break away.
Find a hand to hold. and run together.
But first you'll have to recover all your pieces, because when you take that leap they're going to try to shoot you down.
All the others that have let their past keep them in place.
Sharp shards from your previously broken hearts cutting holes in your chest.
Let yourself seep out through them, Free your soul.
Find your heart.

-Saree

I dreamt that my hair was past my shoulders and different shades of reds and blonde.
I was standing in the mirror, holding a mirror looking at the back, when the colors started seeping down my back like a watercolor painting. It made my hair grow longer, in waves and small curls tumbling down.

Save me.

I keep feeling disoriented, it might be the medication I'm on right now though.
I feel slightly tipped to the left. Not me in general, but my planetary alignment.
I feel too bold, I feel slightly.... scratch that... incredibly manic.
As though I'm invincible. Though I'm far from it.
I felt like I had tasted death in my mouth again, for over a week while an infection streamed rapidly through my blood, and I could feel it clogging me with sickness.
The sensation was that of hell running it's softer fingertips down my back and grasps my soul and twisting it, just enough yo send jolting pain through my body.
The one night in particular where I laid in my apartment alone I had nothing to relieve my mind.
No silly cute boyfriend to adjust my vision, no mindframe that could even be touched my reality.
I was laying in bed crying as the dark shadows loomed over me like they do at times where I can't find myself, like a swelling cloud of faces that are watching me I cried into my pillow as my cat watched me wide-eyed.

I finally got enough motivation to struggle to the bathroom, I am telling you the pain was excruciating. I left all the lights off and climbed into a bath, too hot at first, and laid in it hallucinating until the water was cool.
She lived here before me, and I often only see her in my 'sleep paralysis' episodes (which I need to update my "dream" journal with the last one from a week weeks ago)
She sat on the edge of the bathtub. When I first moved her her hair was straggly, unkempt, and now when I feel her she is healthier looking, for what it's worth I can sometimes she what she might look like if she was still actually here and not stuck in some limbo.
I feel her energy now almost as though she tries to protect me.
I can't explain it and it's entirely bizarre. I just bawled my eyes out, she looked straight a head, never looking at me. That's when I knew I had to go to the hospital and get medical help before the infection affected anything else.
I couldn't that night though, I was exhausted.

If I don't keep my job because of getting sick, so be it.
Struggling is what I'm best at, finding my way.
Tearing down walls and climbing further than before.
Why does money mean so much in this life? No I don't expect to live freely, just not as restricted.
I need to own less. My Possessions, possess me.

The full moon is releasing still, it does for about two weeks into the new moon where intentions will be made again.
Let. Go.

Be it.

She's on a four way track. Each path will lead her here.
She's on a midnight train with the blazing sun inside and it's her eyes that light our way.
Branded by the ghosts she sees so well while loosing sight.
When do you want to move on? When do you want to move on?
I've backtracked, ran those paths and searched all the land and come back just to face the mirrors set before my feet. She's dancing in the rain and waiting her turn.
I've fought my battles, I've climbed these walls, path five has just been set.
Set forth. On On On. You want to move? You have to feel the rhythm.
You'll be lost in the dark without it.
Like a child finding her footing, you gain your sight, it's not given.

Wading in the Waves

Dream: cloud house slit wrists

I was in this giant beautiful house and I realized that I lived there. When I looked out on the deck there were beautiful pink and orange and purple clouds that looked like bubbles in the perfect bubble bath. I was walking through a corridor from the main room, which looked like a ball room, into the kitchen, which had all huge picture windows that led to a deck/porch that wrapped around the house.
Looking out the windows made it look like the house was being held up by the clouds.
I was carrying a picture around, I couldn't tell what it was of, but I went onto the porch and
there were two old women and they said they were my aunts and I felt excited to see them...
at first.

I kissed the one of the cheek and the other one grabbed my wrist and twisted my arm upward and told me to let her see my wounds. I yanked my arm away and was overcome by fear and guilt I looked down and she had unravel a bandage that was around my wrist, and my wrist had several cuts on it, and they were bleeding, this dark purple and red colors swirling.
I looked up and there were a bunch of people and they were all staring at me and gasping.
I turned and ran a circle around the island in the kitchen, I went to go out a door but there were more people and it was getting crowded.
I saw the front door, and opened it, I kept thinking how beautiful the clouds were and that they seemed to engulf the whole house, and how I could barely even see the green grass I was running on.

Then I woke feeling completely lonely and depressed and the bad mood hasn't worn off still.

Woke up feeling seriously depressed. Trancey. Droney. Greyish hazy depressed.

For as back as I can remember I get ideas in my head, horrible ideas of things happening that will never happen. I was probably 8 or 9 when my mom asked me if she and my dog, Grumbles, were tied to the railroad tracks, and I could only save one, who would I save? None of the bizarre questions ever asked seemed bizarre when I was young. They only do now, because they still float around in my head. I obviously answered that I would save my mom first.
But Grumbles, my Boston terrier with one blue eye, and one brown eye, slept in my bed with me, and I laid and wondered if he knew how I answered, and if he loved me less now.

I have an over active- over inquisitive mind. I got put in the "bad kids" room at a church when I was 5 or 6 for asking why we were Thanking God for the cheese, shouldn't we be thanking him for Cows? I remember people started laughing, others were saying "awww" and a woman telling me to follow her as we went into some room that had stale glazed donuts, and two other little kids.

I started thinking about all of this, because my depression didn't "fade" away.
I would picture myself drowning and had deja vu in everything going on, to the point where my dreams were catching up with my reality that it was fucking with my head. I felt like I had been left for dead somewhere, beaten and torn, crawling out of the Ocean I was walking... straggling back to the shore, back home, and Stridulum II happened to be the soundtrack of that happening.
One day I woke up and was too busy to realize that my depression was getting better, I knew that it was, I knew I was strong the whole time, I had given everyone else the power to take control and pick apart whatever was left on my bones.
Mostly my depression was caused by my being mad at myself for giving others that power, and they took advantage of me, and I couldn't retaliate because I was too afraid to stand back up, being how brittle I was feeling.
I look at pictures of myself, and it could look like the most beautiful photo of me, but I see the emptiness, the dark calling in my eyes, where I can see my fingers then my hand, like slow motion emerging from the water.

It passes in my mind, one of those nightmare thoughts that seize me at times where I'm laying staring at the ceiling when my mind is reeling.
What if I'm in a coma right now? And at any moment I'll wake up, to the bright blinding lights of a hospital, hoping that when my vision clears I'm in Heaven instead...
I'm more delusional that I thought evidently...
I rather be able to reflect on this, than erase it.
I don't want to erase anything. I want to create from it all. Like a dark almost dead tree that moss has taken over, one day getting small buds on leaves start form, slowly.
Or in my case, over night, and blooming with beautiful blossoms.

Fucking hell, this better never end.
I'm in the most beautiful psychosis.

Some days I really do feel entirely out of my mind.
There's been this entrancing hall in my mind that takes me somewhere away from myself.
I learned to do this since I was young, so that I could function like a civilized human being, an actress of sorts.
I have the keys, and there are so many trap doors before the door at the end of this hall.
Describing it is impossible. The more I try the more obscure everything seems.

Like jagged clouds painted on a wall that when you stare long enough at them, they start to move. Or how everything has traces of lime green and purple, no matter where I look though no one else ever sees it. How my cat sees the shadows form in the corner above my bed when I'm bed ridden with depression.
And how I'm absolutely terrified that things are going too well, too amazingly, too beautifully.
My life feels so good. I feel after everything I have gone through, run from, crawled through, pushed passed, has cleared and I'm in a fresh field.

The grass is absolutely perfect, lush and green, speckled with small white and blue flowers and there are tiny delicate butterflies floating back and forth. There is nothing else in sight, just beauty. The sky is peaceful, no animals are harmed. The climate is warm and crisp.
I can lay down and sleep for as long as I want, twirl and spin, somersault, sing, and no one is going to tell me I'm not allowed.
Like a mirrored heart, bursting, full and warm. Like the colors orange and purple.
Everything has been combined in a pleasurable manner to create complete perfection.
I can't stop laughing.
This echoing excitement fills my inside.

Close my eyes and run with it? I'm wide fucking open.
We can paint everything how we've always wanted it to be.
 I feel everything.
Everything.

Dream: Airplane interuption Party drug- missing bathroom.

I was at a train station, sitting on a miniature train like the ones you see children riding on in movies. My boss Debbie was with me we were laughing and I was talking someone on my phone.
I heard this strange buzzing noise, like a giant swarm of bees, I turned to my side and there was an airplane coming dangerously close to us. It was right near my head, almost as though it were trying to run into me. Debbie kept waving her hand signaling for them to stop because they were almost hitting me, she was screaming at them, and suddenly the train fell off the tracks.
We kept tumbling down until I was completely alone.
I landed in a giant pile of clear plastic/cellophane.

I stood up and I was at some house party.
I recognized a bunch of people but the time was lapsed as though I were on drugs, I couldn't quite function. I sat down on a green velvet couch and tried to close my eyes, I felt so thirsty that my throat was hurting.
I got up and couldn't find any of my friends, I was upset cause I couldn't find my phone. I was worried that I had been drugged. I opened a door and it lead to the sky. If I would have taken a step forward I would have fallen I assume. I hurried to close the door, I starting feeling very ill and stumbling into walls, people seemed to be talking to me but I couldn't hear.
I locked myself in the bathroom and cried on the floor next to the bath tub.
I felt so lost, I looked up and I was in my grandma's bathroom. I felt relieved, I looked out the window to her yard.
I went to open the door so I could run down stairs, but I was in the same house where I was.
I slammed the door closed.
I had to pee, but the toilet was missing.
I started to pee in a bucket, I woke up having to pee

Saree

I'm overly analytical of everything I do.
My head is far too full of thoughts, memories, ideas, randomized melodies, lyrics, images. I sometimes can't differentiate my actual thoughts, and the only way to de-clutter is to type and write it all away.

So... De-clutter initialized now. Begin. or End. Whatever it's to be seen as.
See it. Read it. Criticize it as much as I have.
Close the window with complete boredom.
Continue reading.

Not a fuck will be given.

-Saree McClaran

Dream: Dock-dead fish

My boyfriend and I are in some apartment-like building that has a dock that overlooks the sea.
I'm in the other room with his daughter, she is showing me all these aquarium full of frogs she has caught, and I look up and there's a little boy near the screen door that leads to the dock, I tell my bf to get him before he gets out there.
The little boy keeps saying "the fish are dying, look".
So I walk to the dock and watch as all these fish are surfacing, I feel panic and can't think.
The water starts to flood into the apartment and she is upset about her frogs. I close the doors but that doesn't stop the water, my bf is still holding the little boy, I can't think though, I can't stop feeling like we are going to drown. and I'm absolutely horrified.

I haven't posted in a ridiculously long time, no one reads this so it doesn't quite matter because these posts don't pertain to anyone but my own dream space...
But reading back entries and getting glimpses of dreams I remember having, that haven't yet been posted irritates me.


Also, my Moon releases and intention.
Guess, I've been too busy...
I need a separate blog for waking life nonsense to make up for the lack of information on this one.
Should I just combine?
hmm

Summer Soltice Art Show

Prophecies through dreams...
I'm Walking into a small door way I have to crouch down to get in.
An older gentleman is sitting, in one hand he is holding a necklace and in the other he is holding an antler. I am holding a leash, I am walking an alligator on it.
He asks if I am comfortable with my new Theology. I nod, but the only thought I can process is "Seven." I keep saying it to myself over and over again. "Seven... Seven... Seven..."
I sit indian style in front of the man. I can't see him very well, almost as though I'm looking through a filter.
He asks which hand I would choose from. I point to the antler.
He nods, and says "Beauty is Passion." I take the antler and attach it to my head. I turn to leave through the small door, but I am outside.
In the woods, I look down at the alligator, it's bright red, and has almost human eyes. I look up and there is a meteor shower, it looks like a million crystals spilled out on a blue velvet curtain.

I remember wading in the stagnant paralysis; of unknowing which way to swim. When you tip toe over rocks to lose your footing on the mossy undergrowth of what you've renamed "fear". You forget how quickly the water moves, how quickly life passes you by, and how you learn to hold your breath longer than physically possible while you entrance yourself into the spiritual realm of "not letting go" of what you need, but dispersing not just items of non- necessity, but also of people.
I release the hand of those who will not help themselves. Not because I want to, but because I have to. I release being the outlet of negativity for those people and the darkness that dwells inside themselves.
I too know that place, I used to live there; but for entirely different reasons.
My self hatred was because I loved too deeply. I'm turning that around. Spiraling through this waterfall of self discovery. I can now love myself.

We have torn ourselves to pieces to please others and reveal our insides.
Little do we know, and actually acknowledge that once we fit each of our pieces back into where they belong, we can complete ourselves.
Each section accurately placed, physical, emotional, spiritual, passion.
Find yourself.
Make mistakes while doing so.
Live.
Soft Breaths.
Open Windows.

-Saree McClaran

clock eye indians

I was moving out of some townhouse. There were a bunch of people there I felt that I didn't want them around me.
This one kid specifically was making me feel awkward, he was being pretty rude to me, and everyone was in my way as I was trying to carry all my bags to my car.
When I went back up the stairs the kid was standing in my room against the wall and goes "what is your problem with me?"
I felt weird because there wasn't any particular reason, he was just making me uncomfortable, I didn't even know him.
I said "you make me feel awkward, I don't know."
He got in my face and his one eye turned into a clock and I watched as the big hand spun quickly as well ans the little hand.
He said "Does it make you feel awkward to run out of time?"

and then I kept hearing indian music in my head and woke up to my alarm.

I dreamt I kept climbing a large ladder it seemed to never end. It was reddish pink.
The room was dark purple with little light.
I felt determined.
When I woke up, I felt I had not slept at all.

A woman was driving a car, I was passenger.
She started driving off a dock. I rolled my eyes and though "again?"
(I constantly have dreams where other people are driving me off into a body of water since a very very young age)
This time I yelled "Not this time" I grabbed the wheel and was in the drivers seat I swerved and car still veered and screeched the passenger side in the water. I kept stomping on the pedal to drive. I kept saying, "It's different and you can't take me back there again. This time I am in control."
Suddenly I was out of the car. It was on the edge, but not in the water.

There was a little girl in the backseat, it was me when I was little.
I opened the door and she reached her hands up to me, I picked her up and took her out of the car.
I turned around quickly and the woman who was originally driving was so close I could feel her breathing. The name "Jo ann Elizabeth" came to mind.
And I woke up.

surprise child

I'm at my grandmother's house, but the house is on the opposite side of the street (in waking life she lives across the street from a cemetery).
There are a bunch of little children running around playing in the flowers and rolling down the grassy hills. I'm sitting under a tree, tying one of their shoes.
One of my good friend's sisters pulls into the drive way all the children flock to her, there are 6 of them.
One by one they pile into her van, waving, I keep ringing my hands on a small soft plaid blanket.
It feels velvety. There's a little boy at the bottom of the hill sitting facing away from me.
I yell to my friend's sister jokingly "You forgot one of these kids of yours!"
My boyfriend yells out my grandmother's kitchen window at me "Not him, that one is ours."
I feel unaware, and walk toward the little boy but I wake up.

New moon in Taurus- Right or Left. Each way I turn, live for what? Love or Death? Blanket me in stars and shimmer my being into this rainbow lust. I place my palm on the ground to feel your vibration. The soft hum of the nation, our world and the crystallized cocoons that are ready to breakaway.
I forgot that all this time I was an encased pupa, with healing soft wings.
I feel them trying to tear them off my back. But they don't realize they can't. Poison powder will stop all the harsh words they speak. It'll fizzle and fade. And the sun will come and we'll forget, when the rain washes them all away.
Wake up. Renew.

Your over analytical underestimating of me is exactly how I like things to run on course. Because when I'm under the radar it won't hurt you as much when push comes to shove, and you're too close to the edge.
Knives. You want to play? Though you're afraid to bleed. Cut as deep, but you'll never feel. Dance, it's manic. Time's up, you're watch was wrong.
Tower. And the lights turn on.

-Saree

Something isn't aligned right, the shift wasn't as precise as it needed to be. Now I'm laying on a shooting star with a number 9 instead of making wishes. I'm on the wrong side of the galaxy. Should I be glad I'm no where near where I started? Or terrified that I can no longer see the horizon.

Truths should be told- random chapters.

I have so many of these to add from the book, I'll someday finish.

There was a mystery I failed to investigate, instead I looked over it, for twenty two years.
I remember before and and after; I remember the dreams that have consumed me for years where I wake in panic where I've drown myself, where I am drowning, where I dream that I'm with friends that are driving and they drive into water and I can't get out of the vehicle.
I can't decipher still what is dream and what is memory because it's so vivid.
My mind keeps great detail, and the way I felt.

I stood in my kitchen and she asked me if I remembered when she tried to drown me.
Right then I watched her drowning, the look in her eyes, and the pleading, that forgiveness even Jesus could not give her, but only I could, so that she could forgive herself.
I spiraled back in my own mind.
Like a broken kaleidoscope all my colorful pieces fell back onto the floor, bouncing, breaking. Watching instead of catching the images in your hand, because they're so small they'll cut, like a tiny girl's hands in the bathtub.
Like blinding bubbles and shimmering light where Jesus happened to save me first.
In my hypocritical resentment, I melted it away and felt at peace.
"No." I replied; with partial disbelief in myself.
With complete disbelief in my current state of my mind.
Thoughts streamed through my mind for days after.

I feel baptized in my knowledge, I forgive you, because I feel it, not because I have to.

It's old folklore that witches never learn to swim.

Pull me in each direction

captivity desk notes

I was walking through a tunnel underneath a bank.
There were large aquariums where they were hiding mermaids.
I was upset because the mermaids had their children with them ad they were begging to go home.
I remember a little girl mermaid with light pink hair asking me if she knew when she could go home. I shook my head no...

I walked upstairs and sat at a desk looking out a window.
There was a field, it was sunny. I stood up and closed the blinds, I couldn't stop thinking about how we were all stuck in captivity.
My friend left a note on my desk. I couldn't make out what it said though.

Full moon in Libra- April 19th

Moon in Libra, Bring the scales down. I felt your shift, I left your tomb.
Like a fragile flower I am in Bloom.
I have dug my way through the suffocating permafrost casket.
The moist soil, my fresh green eyes. I'm stronger than I knew, and I'm not alone in this field. I'm not alone in this rebirth. I am not alone.
I hear them calling.

-Saree Nyx

Happy first birthday...

"I will give you sanctuary in these hips of Thanatos."

The mother's soft lullaby prelude to tearing the hatred and darkness from her colorful womb. Swan songs, for you would've been born in these coming weeks.
The most beautiful collapse, and a hemorrhage like the oceans sent out tidal waves to carry me out to you. Happy first birthday to the boats that carried me to hell to search for you. You are my flame. I'm sorry precious cargo. I will continue to search.
-Love your someday Mother.
Saree Anne.

Thanatos, Son of Nyx.
Peaceful Death via Night.

dream: box tunnels david

I dreamt that I was walking through a city but I was watching myself from overhead.
I was walking into a box, there were tunnels, like a mouse, but when I was through 1st person it was dark, and flashing images of things I couldn't see very well.
I felt weird.
I looked out a window and saw David, he was hanging upside down and laughing.
I opened the window and yelled at him to not be wreckless, and he shouted back maybe you should try it instead of always worrying.
It made me cry. I felt dumb, he was right.
he came inside and hugged me, i missed him so much it hurt, i wanted to throw up.
I haven't talked to him in three months.

Dream: school balloons, I'm a monster.

I was at work and went into a back room, there were hundreds of live chickens that were missing their feathers, they were fighting. I was so upset I started running but was on a conveyor belt.
Some one was laying on the ground saying they were too hot.
Suddenly I'm walking down the street it's sunny, I'm walking Stacy to school...
We're at an apartment that I live in instead apparently she brought me balloons that say "good job" and "#1" I don't know what they're for.
I'm alone and walk into my room and put my food from the day down on the shelf,
a little blonde girl starts eating it like she hasn't eaten it days I start screaming at her to get off my stuff and I pull her hair for some reason which makes her cry, so I cry and hold her.
She's wearing purple with yellow flowers.

When I wake up I can't stop crying.
Why did I do that in my dream? She was so hungry and I was horrible.

I want to kill myself.

Dream- Carve your path

I had a dream that I was a young native american boy, maybe about 9.
I had wavy black and green eyes and was being chastised because I wasn't dark eyed like the others. I cried on the stairs and a young girl came and sat next to me, she had a light blue dress on, and was american and fair skinned.
She took my hand and led me through several rooms in a house. She showed me my reflection in a mirror.
It started me. I had war paint on my chest, it was blue and orange.
And white on my face. She put her hands to my face and turned into an elderly woman.
She said to me, "you see who we really are, you are not afraid of our inner souls, you SEE them" and she put her hands over my eyes and showed me the mirror again, my eyes were brown, I touched my face, everything was black and white, no color.
She put her hands over my eyes again, and everything was back to how I see it, but there were more people in the room around me.
She said "Things are not black and white, and your power has been earned, you speak to the elders, the father & his son, and the grandmother moon, not all can hear each voice, and they can only follow the ones in which they hear. Do not follow. Carve your path"

I woke up and I was bawling and couldn't stop crying.

Dream- Life for Death

I had a dream that I was at a party and reading the paper, I was shocked to see my sort of friend George's obituary, because this person has not yet passed...
I looked up and walked through a crowd at the party, everything was in slow motion as I tried to rush through to find my friend. Everyone was looking at me.
I hurried down a flight of stairs asking everyone where my friend was.
They said that this was his funeral party, everyone was wearing white and drinking.
My other friend Matt comes over to and whispers in my ear "Your water just broke."
I look down and the floor is covered in water, and flopping vibrant goldfish.
I hold my stomach, I don't look pregnant, and he says "You have to give, to get... you said that, right?"
I look up and my friend George, whom the "funeral party" is or is standing in front of me.
I am so confused

and then I woke up.

Update: August 2011: I am pregnant, with George's child, we started dating in April.

Update: May 2012: I had our son on the 27th. George's father (Also George,) Passed away the morning we were bringing Rory our son home. I feel so heavy with guilt right now.
I felt him in the hospital with us. Our first "outing" with our child is his funeral.
I have some heavy dark clouds hanging all over me right now. I keep listening to Same Dream China on repeat.

My bones are aching for this; whatever it is. I felt it crawling through the fields at a distance, and pretended to catch it with a blind eye. But, baby I'm open and destructive. This is when I love myself the most. You could be a close second. Partner in crime. I've got a fire in my heart, and a mind to use it. Spring Time

Dream- May, Hall.

I'm walking down a long hall where the light is spilling in windows, and I start running and I'm laughing.
I breathe him in and feeling nostalgia that I don't want to have with him.
I whisper to him, what's the difference between May 14th, and May 15th?
He smiles completely unknowing, I feel let down, and yearning.
Then I wake up...

Super Moon- Virgo

They had Tambourines placed in their Tombs. So when we brought them back we made instruments from their Bones. Sunday's fallen children. Shake down the Snow, caress the Trees that Grow. Sing their songs, Chants and Dance. Watch your crystallized spirit with each exhale reach the sun. You don't know until you've lost your breath, just how fast you can run.

I was sitting on the floor in my living room, I had been painting and decided to meditate, it was about 11:00pm.
Almost sleeping, lucid dreaming, I watched a woman come into my dining room from the hall, I often see her from my bedroom, always in the hall, sometimes in the kitchen.
She stood in the doorway for a moment, and then sat on the floor Indian style across from me. She was wearing white and her hair was up today. She has dark hair, and it's usually down and messy.
She held out her palms and without words told me she preferred I didn't sleep in my bedroom by the window (So, I'm going to move my bed tomorrow).
She told me when I wake from the trance I was in I was going to take a walk, and be open, and to let my spirits touch me because I have blocked out certain gifts I have with fear. Then she grinned and half laughed.
In my "dream" I woke up, I stood up, and she did at the same time.
But then I woke up for real, and was laying down instead of sitting.
So I took a walk.
When I walk I imagine, and to me something said that I was supposed to tell you, that:

"I'm supposed to lead you to an ocean that is in the middle of the trees, there is no water, just Light. There's a wooded area where mystics sew golden thread into their wrists to create a ladder, and that's where I met you."

A Secret from September 2010

Last summer I read a story about a woman that spent her whole life not being aware she had manic depression. She was in and out of mental institutions from a young age until later in life she decided after many therapists failed that she would get Electric Shock Therapy...
She said for years after that she was the happiest she had been in her entire life.

I had been severely depressed for over a year and almost fantasized about getting electric shock therapy for myself. I was at my exes apartment and fell backward into a wall, to catch myself I grabbed the water heater, at just an angle that the voltage electrocuted me for a moment.
He stood there and stared at me.
I couldn't respond.
Or think.
or feel anything what so ever.
I went into the other room when I remembered how to walk,
I sat on the edge of the bed, I couldn't feel my arm except a buzzing that was circling it's way through my body.
I started laughing hysterically. I imagined a small blue spark spiraling through my blood chasing out all my depression.
I laughed so hard I started bawling. He stood in the doorway and asked me what happened? What was wrong.

What I couldn't say... was that I fell out of love with him.
I walked home that night and everything was glistening, it started pouring as I reached my house, and instead of going in, I kept walking in it. Hoping I would be struck by lightening.


I researched the author of the book I had read, and she killed herself 6 years later.
She drown herself in her husband's mistresses pool.
And I can't help but think. How fucking beautiful.

She makes me homesick. Like a fallen lover, crawling cautiously not to wake, what thee say my succubus, fair maiden?
You've shouted with mouths closed, whispered with your lashes casting praise.
I waited until dusk on this eve to catch you in my dream.
You stood unaware as I removed my soft cascading feathers and slid into you the way you've done to me for so many years. We are now what has become one, from two.
With a soft silhouette She, I, We, beckon with a Dance.
I woke up, holding a sharp key that cut my small hands.
Blood Maps.

Everyone thinks they want the Ocean.
We walk out hand in hand, off the bright blue coast and into the deep unknown, I met many lovers, and I've drown them all unknowingly.
We would float under the skies at night with our smiles as wide as the galaxy as we pretended that we reflected stars.
When I couldn't find my way I followed the orbs of light back to the top.
Emerge with nothing in sight. I traveled with the lost, in order to be found. To Find.
I followed streams in order to remain close to my life source.
I am laying happily in the crystal clear tricklings, waiting, for my green seedlings to sprout.
I can hear the mystics singing in the caves, and I know my way back home... but it's time to Travel; Time Traveling. Nice to Meet you. I am from the future.
This is the down time before... the rest we needed. Stay close, don't get left behind.
Make your own path. It's your calling. It's my voice, our voice. Our song.

done

I was laying my head on him and when I woke up we held each other and fell asleep together.
We never woke up together again.
Why does that even mean anything to me?

Dear 2011, I forgive you for starting out like you were just trying to copy 2010.
Because in one month you have really proven to me that things change and reminded me that I'm am too forgiving.
Some people are so full of darkness that they never realize it until they meet people who can stand like a tower while they are breaking down.
I am still the Sun, the Ocean, The Moon, and the Sky.
Sometimes you have to lose your way, to see, that you know this like the back of your hand. Close your eyes and Go.

Dream: Permission.

I was wearing a turquoise peacoat and walking through the path next to the cemetery, My hair was long and bright reddish orange, like a flame. Eva was standing in the middle of the path in just a light beige dress, her hair was down it was dark brown with blue highlights; she was shivering and saying she was cold. I opened my coat and wrapped it around both of us.
Inside the coat we were hugging eachother for warmth.
We were now in a field. A sickly skinny looking girl walked toward us, it was more as though she was half crawling and dragging herself, it was a really terrifying image.
She comes up and Eva holds on to me tighter. The sick girl sniffs us and keeps petting my hair.
She starts cutting it off, chunks, choppy, angrily.
Eva screams out to take her hair instead, the sick girl tears at Eva's hair pulling her hard, I hold her still as this creature chopped off her hair, lop-sided almost bald in patches, and it continues to start on mine. After it/she has taken all she wants she scampers into the dark wooded area, flaunting the stolen locks.
Eva cries and pets my face I whisper to her, "No one can put spells on us when they've been given permission."

This is eternal, and I am the fire. Trembling, though standing my ground. It is Time.

Sometimes I seek comfort in the Dark Voids because that is where I have learned to center myself most often. In the static depths when all else seems out of place.

Myself...

I am far from Alone...

Moved when encountering chance with others that are more in tune with their inner beings and souls than they will ever know how to channel.
You open your heart with your mind, and let others come and go as they please. Those who do not hold grudges; but understand that hurting is a part of learning. We tear our hearts out, heal ourselves, alone. A choreographed charade, since birth we've carried this pain, and in death we shall receive the same.
People who are real artists; know it's ability to heal and people that know; That 'I Love you', is an understatement for the way your loved ones can even express their feelings of appreciation toward you.
I am that feeling. The dream keeper, sun catcher, secret swept, Queen of seas, King of the lands, Child of Flame, and Tower where the wind echoes her secrets. I am he, she, you, me.
Strong awakening, laying under the shade, creeping in shadows, watching you smile, watching you cry. We all have our Book of Shadows. It is I who reads them. Feel the energy.
You get what you give.... and I am ten fold. Spirit of the seasons.

Mother May I...

I can't afford the Truth. So I seek what I can. Bits and fragments are absorbed and infused into my bloodstream. Are we just beginning? She held me at birth. When do we end? Will she hold me with the same love then? With all my mistakes in the light?

Full Moon Release- Leo

Dear Leo full moon. (feb 18th 2011)- I release the tension I have within myself, with my past in order to move forward with this future I am building. Keeping a steady hand.

Always falling in love with cascading stars.

Galaxy, I belong.

When I lose my way, I look up; you open my palms to show me our map.

Paper birds set Free into this wind.

Aim higher my dearest, this Life is just Target Practice.

And Today I shall recieve all my Little signs...

Don't Ignore Them. EVER.

Every key to every door, leads to a place where we are going, where we belong, and who we once were. Sometimes we need to look in retrospect and help our past meet our future, before we can travel forward. A journey? A pilgrimage?

Dear St. Valentine

I need someone to dance with right now.
Close.
With eyelashes that wrap around like invisible blankets made of the finest silk.
Mouths that cut like the sharpest of knives.
Somehow with our fingers intertwined we can create a shield.
Protect a sincerity that only this dance could know.

Once you leave the sky there is no turning back. A bird will always be a bird.

I watched the sparkling snow drift down like secrets that you whispered to me through the wind chimes. I heard your call.
Like a beacon I will travel through your light, for when the ocean engulfed us, I offered to house you.
Set sail, the gulls are out of sight and where we are headed, the Sun will never set.

Body Language.

The Winter morning suns will be my audience to healing.
Yearning for the Spring. We will awaken the sleeping Summer's sea.

frozen fingers scraping ice and snow, search for what was lost before winter's solstice.
Reaching permafrost layers my fingers are numb.
Soft green underneath finally emerging, we're halfway through... I step back. I am the last standing...
I have made it half way...

Ritual dance of flickering stars.
Show me. Show me.
The sun is ours.
Warm these bones, melt this marbled tender underneath.
Cities as orange as hot coils.
Touch this.
Blister so that we can Heal.

some birds will never learn to fly

Saree McClaran