trapeze acts

I put too much faith into people that don't have enough faith in themselves.
I pour and pour and pour because I am an over flowing fountain of emotions, of being, of energy.
Either swim in me or drown, but don't waste that. I'm sick of crying over trivial matters.
I'm swimming in myself after years of reoccurring dreams where I never surface,
I am learning to just keep my head above the water and let those waves crash into me.
Cleanse me.
I've only just begun to learn how to use my own positive lights in way the way they were meant to be used.
But I'm still vulnerable. I'm still bare, fragile, and delicate though I stand tall.
Sometimes I also need some coaxing, sometimes I need someone to provide me shelter.
Maybe I'm pressing too hard, maybe I'm begging someone to hear me and tell me it is okay for once.
Instead of pressing blame on me when I show light on where they can improve themselves.
Maybe that comes in part of being an empath of sorts.
I'm restless.

I'm giving too much, not taking enough.
I need nourishment, but have had no appetite for so long.
That this small bite feels like a rock in my stomach and life is digesting me from the inside out.
Process this.
I can for others, than why can I not take my own fucking advice?
Why am I standing in my own door ways now.
I push and pull and I'm just struggling in my own head.
I don't speak clearly enough for myself?
Am I not good enough to stand on my own two feet, because I was told not to for however long.
I have crawled behind to meet others and it's made me lazy?
Why am I having such a hard time losing my footing, just jump and let it all fall into place?

I am done with all these short comings. I'm walking to the end of races, and still circling those around me.
I am the circle, I complete myself.
I can remove the bits and mold myself like clay to continually grow, but I don't want the solidity,
I am a sphere, and I am clear, I am floating.
I can shine light in so many directions, sharing, while also filling myself;
I am allowed to.
This is my inevitable journey.
I don't choose this, I just can nod at myself when the directions carry me away.
Let them.

Let.
This.
Go.

I'm so good at pretending that I'm strong that I forget to cry.
That others forget I'm also allowed to be weak.
I'm allowed to be fragile and vulnerable, I'm allowed to express my hurt.
I collect myself, I collect feelings of others as well.

I forget to release them, what was yours is now stuck inside me.

Positive and negative, it's all chaos.
A deep cleanse is in order, and I'm terrified to see how thick that water really runs.
If I pull away too soon, I may do more harm than good.
But no more than you already have.
Do I wait? For what?
I'm slowly slipping from branch to branch.
I climbed up too high, and you've cut my security net.

I'm trying to be quiet as to not disrupt others in their journeys.
That theirs started before mine ended, unknowingly? Or worse; Knowingly.

I swept all the lines in my own to start over and now...
I'm traveling in dreams alone.
But they aren't dreams, they're nightmares and this is reality watching you shift the blame, watching you tie the rocks while promising friendship.
I'm slowly sinking and it hurts too much to try to resurface.
I don't even want to anymore, I'm too exhausted.

Humans are such bizarre creatures.
We grow from nourishment just as all creatures do. We have minds that need filling, we respond to touch. We desire warmth from others;
yet we dread it just the same.
We are combined energy that bounces back and forth collecting particles.
If we stop collecting we cease our Being, in turn we just Are.
That is a new path entirely... Or an old one depending on circumstance.
So many are searching with their eyes closed, standing around letting others take their hands and lead them to "water".
When what they need to do is pry their eyes open and reflect on themselves. Stop projecting confusion, you can't light a candle and call the flame a different name to make it change it's self.
It is exactly as it was when it presented itself to you.
Humans don't seem to fully understand that perception.
Not enough of them at least.
Most of which are too busy lacking where they claim to be complete to realize their own projections...
Until the allegory ball is bounced back into their corner with accumulated energies to feed upon. You'll never realize how you are starving yourself from "Being"

010914

revist last year posts

Those who try to tame lions...
Bare no witness to just how brightly a Phoenix burns.
You've been masticated before reaching my profound nest of iridescent feathers, placed in circular mandalas.
Maps. Trails. A soft aroma of burning embers.
She preens, while her once wind swept mane was tousled, she has grown wings.
So vibrant, you may find yourself too mesmerized to realize, your reaching hands have caught fire.
Tame...
Hardly.
Never.

The cards have spoken.
In sporadic gestures. 7 cards, adding up the 223, a laugh, a lifted brow, and the song of intuition. One more card... 11.
Light. Reborn, renewed as the Phoenix... And a new life to carry.
Awaken.

January 5, 2014Opal eggs. Bubbles.
The planetary shifts are like contractions during labor. Breathe and release, breathe and release.
We all come out covered in a film of confusion, A hull from our mothers womb.
Placenta trees, vein branches, it takes someone very brave to see the real beauty that is life.
Breathe and release.
Oh, hatchlings, damp feathers and huge translucent eyes.
We fall from nests too soon. Mother knows best. {{Moth}}er.

Rabid release

It felt like pulling teeth. I dragged you across years, the time frame was off.
My watch had broke before I even met you.
I had a destiny etched into my hand that I kept hidden.
reaching out and shaking hands I oft met smooth handed individuals.
That doesn't mean they didn't have stories, it just meant that theirs no longer created friction with mine, without friction meant to be without growth.
I released you and momentarily you stood still, I waved hands that quickly sewed up little pillow clouds.
I can't let it go, I can't do that, to someone.
I closed each time I watched you gnash, rabidly sneering my name, side glancing at me, to make sure you could watch my reaction to you tearing me in every god damn direction.
I bit my lip, I nodded to let you know.
Within moments you'd be circling me, coaxing, kicking up dust I'd spent my time calming.
My breathing heavy, my eyes heavy, my magic felt darkened.
I would swallow down handfuls of opportunities to defend myself my actions, my integrity.
Until they started to notice how my brow was at a furrow that fake smiles couldn't cover.
What is going on? I thought...
Like throwing sparklers to the ground, each neon ember to catch fire to the words you spoke badly.
they held my head to make me count all the times.
Who was there to comfort now, these burns, my hands putting out each flames, making excuses for you, for us.
I took the smoke and cleansed myself, my being, my surroundings.
In two weeks time I'll come to a clearing.
until then....

S.M.
jan 15

dream- prompted response

she was in my grandpa's chair, the room looked like it did when i was really little.
i went to the back room behind the kitchen but the kitchen was dark, i was always afraid to go in there when it was night time because i saw a half cat/wolf half man creature standing there staring at me, my grandpa never quite believed me, admittedly at least.
instead the room was a hall.
it was yellow and rounded on top like a tunnel, I stared walking down it looking for something or some one. she was standing in front of the door, knocking down crystals off the ceiling and threshold.
it reminded me of glimmering teeth being smash out of mouth, instead of blood glitter flaked down.
i asked her to move because i couldn't get out the back door into the garden.
she kept fighting me and pushing me back while smiling, i couldn't tell if she was mad, or joking, or just being mean to me.
i don't think she could either.
i remembered being in the backyard, it was an actual memory in my dream, the sun was going down so the sky was very bright oranges, i had just been watching ants scramble around all over peonies.
there was a pale yellow caterpillar with black spikeys, it looked very soft.
before i was able to reach down to pet it my grandpa ran over frantically yanking me away from it.
i thought he was being mean and he scared me.
he never told me why she would hurt me, why she would stab me in the back until the wounds were like spikes sinking into tender marinated meat.
he hair was down to the floor and her mouth was pouring out clumps of sand.
you can not do this i kept saying to her
you need to get out of my dream
you do not belong in this part of my life
you are blocking positivity from coming to me
i am not weak to you anymore
i was crying a lot and the room looked brighter pink now. i kept walking down the hall until i was outside, there was this little plastic gardening tool i got in a happy meal that came with a packet of cucumbers.
I held the seeds in my hand and felt nice that they were still there after all these years i put the packet in my pocket.

and woke up.

Pealing the Full moon like a ripe fruit.
I'll take my chances.
Dripping gold through sticky fingers, stay poised.
Dismantled with silence.
Who knew you were so easy.
Laid out remains of time borrowed like spare change fallen from holes in pockets.
Shooting stars.