October 6th 2017:

I've dedicated myself to you, my loyalty was always true. 

You could trust me, you could be safe.

I was submerged in love with you.

You used to make me feel like it was going to be worth staying. 

You'd hold me and tell me that you loved me, filling me with radiating warmth, saying you would never do to me as others had. 

I held my hands open to you, trusting... circling my fingers on your palms.

Connecting our lines.

But now I wonder every day how many times you held someone else and said the same.

You reach your hand out to touch me and I flinch while feeling the sting of how you continued to touch her. Them.

While you kissed me, while you grasped my soft hips,  held my sides, whispering how much you loved me and needed me, that I was healing you, "don't go", while you came inside of me for two years.

Did you do the same with her, with them?

Stripped my being and my integrity as she stripped for you.

People you claimed had hurt you so ferociously, people who had sliced wounds into your back, into your soul. That I spent my energy tending to your wounds while you created mine.

People you coined "succubus", and talked negatively about as though they owed you something still.

People you hurt me with by thinking I should only be angry with them. 

While you jeopardized my emotional and physical well being. 

My spirit entirely to rubble.

I am allowed to be angry. 

I'm allowed to be hurt. 

I was never a hidden secret.

I was patient while you were off ignoring me for days. 

Disappearing and binging.

I ceased to exist as you entered yourself between their thighs, while I tossed and turned crying hysterically in my bed grasping my breathing, stirring, growing womb, until I became numb; wondering why.

Why the fuck am I bound to you?

Why the fuck didn't you just let me go?

Why the fuck would they be brave enough to look into my eyes but fail to see that I do fucking exist?

You promised your word as I forgave, 

held you near, licked your wounds while leaving my own gaping still.

You never wanted to disappoint me again. 

That you claimed you were terrible for hurting me, an unlimited fountain of excuses.

Then crawled into bed, into another's arms, again... and I will never know how many times. 

I will never know what I thought was happening in those times. 

How blinded I was by false hope.

When I found her hair on my pillow case and held it over a flame to watch it dance and rapidly shrink. 

A visual metaphor for how it made me feel, for how I hope her guilt eats her from the inside as if it'll repair what was stolen from my being.

 I felt in my soul my trust being broken.

Splintering then slicing into me and making me bleed out the way I miscarried our first and you blamed me instead of holding me.

I defended you even still, as you made a mockery of my integrity.

You walked around with your coward head held high, drunk and with pride. 

I wish I would have known, or at least listened to my own intuition that retched in my gut. 

Cringing at the sound of the distance in your voice as you made promise after promise to weave back in closer to me, to play it all over again.

I wish just once someone could have been honest. 

But that's a rare commodity these days.

I have zero trust left to account for.

And I've been broken beyond repair.

While feeling an innocent being inside me that I could have sworn was made from Love... that has no idea how you've already betrayed her by tearing pieces from me, feeling her tiny hands learning to touch, her tiny body nourished by my own; I pray she never knows these feelings. 

While I count ceiling tiles until the thoughts pass of how I would rather be dead than to continue doing this repeated bullshit dance with you and your cohorts.

Being emotionally torn from my own body, dragged violently.

Being told that I'm wrong for still loving,

That it was my fault for forgiving you.

That I found strength in the first time I forgave you.

It weakened my foundation from there.

I gave you my power and you used this to destroy me.

You let others destroy me and fed them for doing so.

As they fed from me, unknowingly being poisoned, they'll know now.

You were never magic. I was. You have no power.

You were never the warmth that the sun reflected off of you.

You were never this creative, feeling, soft creature trying to find their way in darkness the way I was.

Instead you stood in my crossroads. 

You blocked my journey, for what?

I now have to carry part of you as I try to walk away.

It's heavy,

My heart. 

Cicada orchestrated
summer heat.
I drag her through the woods.
Eyes meet in fleeting moments,
Should've turned back then.
Blood Lust.
Hell hath...
(...you should've turned back then.)
No fury.
Under the four folding suns.
Oh, Oh, Oh.
Blades, pristine.
Babe.
You should have run.
Death.
Magic.
Full moon. Come.

Saree Nyxi
May 8th 2017

I scrolled through motivational posts to keep my spirits up.
I made my own, I continued on my guise, my alter ego, as a clutch.
I stopped at a post that was a picture side by side of "two break ups."
---One was a girl who savagely threw all items into the yard scattered, trashed, and with every ounce of strength in her probably crying herself hysterically into convulsions.
the second was everything nicely folded on the stairs up to the door. Meticulously organized and each memories placed in boxes mourned to the point where it was already dead, as dead as her neglected heart.
The caption was Girl one is most likely to take him back, Girl two was done.

I sighed but it stuck in my head. I lied twice about locking myself out of the house.
One time because I missed you even though I should have just let go, I already knew whose legs you were between, though you'd coax mine open with loving lies. Half lies, you're a confusing breed.
The one that feels with their soul, but denies it so fiercely that you've convinced yourself you don't.
The other time, I tried to keep my key, this time was goodbye.
I thought.

You kissed differently for those months. I cried hysterically to the point of convulsions in the sheets we used to lay. Clutching my stomach and chest and letting hell dance from me as I cursed you and cursed her... however many hers there ended up being.
As I still smiled, I still held your hand, and still let her hug me while staring you down.
I played the part I thought I had to play, Whatever you wanted, I made as many sacrifices as I could.
My face on the fool card... wishing I was the Hanged Man instead, I pulled a Strength but I felt weak.
I'd ask questions and never be met with truth. Each lie made my mouth taste more and more bitter.
But never once did I use the venom that encompassed me.
I collected tiny pieces of myself and continued to play this stupid dance number you were choreographing.
Whether she was also a pawn, or just some goal, or you were both each others sick Fuck game.
Where she continues to brag about bedding peoples friends and humans that's claim to be taken by another.
I know you had done this with others, with the same girl you called succubus and evil.
That you sent "I heart You" while laying naked in my bed while I was at work claiming it meant nothing.
You instead, made ME feel like nothing.

I wanted to envy her. Even though I reached out to her, an open hand not hiding any tricks.
I asked straightforwardly, but cowards never tell the truth.
At the time you two were deserving of each other.
Cold, coiled up in dark caves at night, whispering lies to each other in musty rooms where her make up would smear your pillowcases. I envisioned the light of your screen saver reflecting off her face and wide eyes as I entered your room.
The smirk, I wanted to slice off of her face. I wanted to light your bed on fire.
I wanted to set your red curtains into flames, engulfing your room. I lit candles with hatred.
But never with envy.

I set a protection on myself. I breathed in the serpents blood.
I danced with my demons while letting them tear viciously.
I was no where near weak, I was forgiving.
I had to be, I was the only one that knew your safe words.
I had too many dreams about the soul trapped in you to let you bury yourself.
But now, you keep burying me.

Screaming colors into the abyss as I tear my hands into soil I once planted myself in.
What have we watered? What have we become?
Little leaves with blooming buds.

Crawling on through so we struggle just to dance to the sky.
My warm arms, I carry hope. I carry hope.
With all her vibrancy as spring's pollen coat.
Climbing on rooftops, calling out to the wind.
I'm no where that I want to be.
Reflecting light, but I can't hold my own just yet.
Sunshine falling from my lips.
My heart filled with golden fluids spilling out.
Eyes back as I rip myself apart.
Petals plummet in seasons change.
Goddess in her ways.
Fall apart then rebuild for days.
Queens of heavens, they say things happen in threes,
but I'm convinced it's sevens.
Saree Nyxi
June 2017

Rattling my jaw like a thousand years torn from pages of your book of shadows.
A roaring wind across the oceans.
Tearing trees from their roots.
Clenching my fist with all of your lies.
Cast out, cast out.
Like the light in your eyes.
Travel centuries to see it through.
Emitting into me from you.
Cold waves crashing along the shore like hands beating drums.
Hands to catch you.

A life once dreamed up,
trickling from our finger tips.
Into lakes that collect secrets from streams.
Oh, oh, down here nothing is as it seems.

Shape shift little dreamer.
Into blossoming flowers,
into the gully where it all blooms.
Don't pay no mind, to the darkness that looms.
Decades in and a comfort through the lull of night.
Silence comes and we stare into whatever we might.

Reflective lakes, that collected all our secrets from the streams.
Running into the tall grass to escape the way we are.
Hoping to repair the life we used to dream.
Little hands reaching to the skies.

Mama will always tuck you in.
Mama will always tuck you in.

Who you've been, and who you'll be.
From the streams, then into me.
I'll whisper dreams into your ears at night.
The secrets they used to tell.
Now all dreamed up ideas, for you to sell.

Saree Nyxi
May 23rd 2017

Weaving you in like cat's cradle.
The whimsical motion of her wrists catching wishes from floating seeds in June.
Running fingertips along the edge of your holographic glass.
Ringing clear. Tongue swollen.
No word on this sleepy afternoon.
Walking down overgrown paths,
drunk on pollen and rays of sun shining through.
Want to run away with love engulfed pupils.
Pearls wrapped in golden webs.
Are we in over our heads?

Saree Nyxi
May 2017

I felt at home walking into the thicket.
The humid air felt like a warm breath on the back of my neck.
The branches waved frantically at the sky in a panic.
Better call your daddy,
Ole man's got the death rattle.
One swift kick backward with death's sharp hand pulling me backward from high up, standing above the clouds.
Dreamt of placing lily of the valley in a trail.
Sitting on my grandma's porch during summer rain.
A pile of dusty books, creating a staircase to reach all hidden memories, but it's all the same.
Collecting morning dew in my hands, thinking I could revive you.

I walked up a hill, the grass had recently been mowed in perfect crescents.
Swaying purples and trailing greens in the dusk where I'm holding my shadow close.
My eyes rolled back as lightening hit the ground, I fell back.
Open eyes, I knew.
One last breath and I lay down your head.
Nothing to claim, once it belongs to the dead.
I felt my heartbeat kicking in my teeth.
Turning off the lights so the neighborhood kids can finish their game of Sneaks.

Saree Nyxi
May 2017

Are you ready to tell me stories yet?
My color changing eyes fixated on your smile as you laugh.
Moving in these waves of people missing summer nights.

I'm dancing alone, spinning from branches, encased.
Will you catch me if I'm quite not ready?
My sisters collect a nest to lay me down.
Glittering, soft, and curious.

Tethering from the realms of in between.
Wrap ourselves in scattered petals and these lilac scented sheets.
Whispering, whispering, life back into me.
Saree Nyxi

May 3rd 2017

I am, your lily in the valley.
You are, thy unrequited love.
Cutting away like paper dolls.
Lighting matches with a flick of my tongue.
Can't bring it back,
they say 'what's done is done'.

Oh beloved, do you remember me in the silhouetted sun lit rooms?
Soaring through our shape shifting fields.
Meet me under the trees we named.
I've sutured our bridges back together with woven ferns.
The boat still secured in the bay.
Singing our chorus as I skim across the sea.
Oh love, oh love,
Just the setting sun,
You and me.
Saree Nyxi

My fingers swept across their hips as a paintbrush.
Warm colors, soft firmness, a pull to the other side.
Whispering in my ear, I'll never leave you.
Our hair tangled like tree branches that children climb.
Up and up.
Flower petals sprinkling with delicacy that counters the flame I set to their bed.
Catching the curtains, crawling up the walls.
Delving deeply into that manic place I covet, embrace, then hide.
All the avidity, vibrant then black, then back.
Develop us like film.
Drown me in this stop bath.

-Saree Nyxi

Writing your name on ribbons that I tie to our magnolia.
A bind.
Let me have this one last time,
breathing heavy
before I run again.
Falling like the soft pink
that helps you find your way,
and the warmth, coaxing between my thighs.
Fingers twirling in my hair.
Don't forget I'm the one that takes you there.
Pressing on my lips, the way the thick air has done.
Writing your name in rising neons from my morning sun.

Saree Nyxi
042517

In droves, crawling through like swaying calla lilies.
Drinketh from thy chalice.
Sunday's best.
Oh the blood, spilling from her mouth and down her dress.
Manic smiles smeared across their face..
Hands out the car window, my hair is reaching through to you.
Daddy, I'm driving to the sea.
Pull them off their cross for me.
Oh these reigns, heavy as can be.
These echoing songs, can you hear me singing out?
Never asked for, but taking with stride,
outside, I'm being pulled from the inside.
Such grace.
On knees, just a taste.
to save face.
Awaken like the wind in spring, fresh breath.
Oh you, sweet little thing.

Saree Nyxi
040217

If I let go, I may turn to stone.

Eye contact and breaking contracts.

I'm running alone,

In misty fields at midnight.

I will stay in my silence.

I can not peel layers you hide behind,

spent my life stripping my own.

No calls, no dreams.

The sky, she lied to me,

mapped me into dead ends.

Roping down my rainbow halo.

Drunk off false hope's energy.