neon martyr

When you've reached rock bottom there is only one way left to go.
Up.
No need to rush, take your time.
Feel each step and thank the universe for letting you take these breaths.
Do not manifest negativity in a circle of protections that were cast with you in mind.
Implosions are your own undoing.
Ravel the thread back to your beginning.
Rebirth. Fresh lungs
Find your heart.
Start there.
Blessed be.

September

The path to self actualization is not an easy cleared out path that has been paved. It is a thick forest, the wandering woods.

With swarming insects, foreboding quicksand, and packs of howling wolves running through dusk set skies.

On this path you'll find spiraling streams though, where lush blooming flowers climb, reaching to the knowing sun.

You will find clearings where fawns frolic and rabbits burrow into soft dens they've built on their own.

You will come face to face with your own pack, your own choices to go along until their path ends or faces down different directions.

The howling was a call, a "Goodbye, Good luck and Be well."

The insects carrying ten times their own weight creating bridges from dawn to the setting suns over quicksand to help lead the way.

Vines like swings to trapeze you into action, and soft leaves to slumber.

Sometimes to wallow, sometimes to pour doubts from your eyes as you stare at the clouds above the maze we are learning.

You will remember in dreams, voices of seas you must reach, maps on the stars shining through blanketed skies.

You will tend to your path and become it.

With or without those you may have set forth with.

This is your own soul that collects then cleanses like a set of fresh lungs.

Nurture it.

Lift it with pride in all your choices weaving into intricate rainbow casting webs. Catch yourself in the fern laced safety you can create, and seek those that journey the way you do, the way you must.

Seek what sets your soul into motion, and flow forward in hand dug streams that water the life you create.

Wherever change occurs, meet it head on then plant your seeds to carry on.

Become.

S.M.

092816

dilated

Pouring into overflowing wells.
I'll be absorbed back into the earth and dispersed more effectively in the future.
For now, focusing on the dotted lines I'm carefully following with sharp blades.
"Sever." My friend whispers...
"Not yet" I shake my head.

Laying in the wet grass watching horses running through pink and white clouds,
his hair swaying like wispy willow branches radiating purples.
Dilating pupils.
Love finds a way.
I'm choking on flower petals.

Chrysalis.
Gooey Wings.
Visual interpretation-
Of whiplash,
a soft beating panic attack.
Rain drum.
Watching your emotional palette change.
It's begun.

July

Little lion,
In the summer winds.
Carrying you on wings, of gold.
We're weightless, let me show you how.
Palms open.
Glittered with seeds.
That's why I let you see, only flowers.
Conjure the conjoined roots.
Nourish these fields.
Braided nests.
Noshing on the weak, relieving the rest.

8116
SM

I'm pulling strings, thin as spider silk.
Wrapping them around my hands, illuminating protections
I can only do and say good because I know how much it costs to Play the devil.
We've had many a night, smiles used to invite him in.
"Been a while since you've decided to sin."
Its a choice I choose, got too much to lose.
A heart full of love, bleeding like a saint.
I'm singing songs into the wind.

Hoping you'll hear what my soul has to say.
Met you at the entrance, even offered to pay.
Now I have their hands pulling me back inside.
Lips red as blood, and I'm trying to run.
On my knees and breathless, how did we come to this?
Mapping out the stars.
Said you waited til the right time,
Is it now?
Is it now?
Is it now...?

8-7-16
SM

Reoccurring nostalgia. Wrapped in warmth.
My love for you, resides inside.
Déjà vu drenched. Cleansed.
Coaxed open.
Rupture to bloom. A blossom.
Born from rain.
Vibrant horizons.
Set forth.

A cape made of a summer spent spinning webs.
Her soft steel silk given like the morning's shining light.
Intricate lace encasing her seeking soul.

SM

The sun slips through the trees like the cool creek through my spread fingers.
Melting into your soft hair that cascades down, framing my face,
curtains down and we kiss.
So breathless, warm mouths, as your hands roam over my body, my fingers gripping.
Laying in moss.

Filling me with warmth, soft skin, your arms, strong,
holding me up and cradling my back.
Protecting as I wrap myself around you like a delicate blooming flower you open me.
Breathing into each other,
hair balled in your fist, and the other holding my hip.
Sticky wet like dripping dew, whispering your name as my body shakes for you.

092516

Within less than a week, I drove backwards through all four seasons.

Dried sage.

The pull in my energy from certain people in recent months is monotonous and the stories this person tells are bland, unseasoned, dry.
No wonder it leaves others starving and looking for nourishment elsewhere.
While looking back at things that have happened this year, all I can do is take a deep breath.
Manipulative people often are not fully aware that they are doing so, maybe in retrospect they can see in past relations where they fall into patterns and if they recognized them they would stop using people like pawns in some disillusioned game they've become masters at.
Yet, when you encounter someone with past debris, the heaviness they are doused in, permeated in, each word they speak feels like you are taking a shot of liquor. It's burning, you feel it hurting your thought process, but they are good at what they do and convince you to play along.
You literally watch yourself from an outer parallel view, becoming manipulated.
You push your intuition aside, some of your friends are not aware, or perhaps those are the ones (often) that you should have been protecting.
Now its 4am and they are face down in the grass and you are dragging them home, while spinning at warp speed.
Internally crying. Now you've lost three months that you were mourning something else, you've lost other things on your way here.
Is it worth searching for what was lost, do we repair from here, or do you just begin again?
Keep the pieces that meant the most and move forward with them... guarded.
I am strong enough to remain upright while also continuing to offer solace to those that actively hurt me.
I practice forgiveness, always.
Because I have often requested the same from others.

I have a social image to portray. This sometimes makes me seem like a fake version of myself.
I know this, I'm well aware. I'm not offended when being called out on this.
I'm braver outwardly than I am inside. I can harden my shell, or soften it.
I choose to use myself for good though.
However, this opens windows for people to crawl inside and ransack my mind.
Sometimes I get to a point where enough is enough.
It takes a lot, a whole lot. Even when I "cut people off" I have never cut anyone off.
I do not block people, I have not built walls tall enough in years.
It's not worth that type of retaliation, and honestly, even when I'm hurt, when I'm sucking poison from my wounds,
I still leave many trap doors unlocked.
I am protected at the same time. I have cushions to fall into, my social standings leave me endless nets to trust fall into, jump into if need be. There is loyalty I offer, and also receive.
I have friends that have pieces of my heart integrated into their own beings like microchips because they've protected me and as they offered me my pieces my back I held it into their palms and it melted like dry ice into their souls.
This is not just the 30 years I have been here.

I have shifted my being in this life countless times. If I stayed the same person that entire time I'd not be myself.
I grow.
I water myself, I water others, I close my eyes and reach into the rain as it falls in me, those grey clouds bring about vivid beauty and I am not afraid of recognizing it;
Recognizing myself.
We all have the ability to do this. To reach to the sun each day and wash that weight and heaviness from our souls.
We have equal light in the dark, and I find that people are more afraid of their light than their dark.
I challenge myself often to drop the charade, keep breathing, and keep my palms open facing upward.
I acknowledge everything this life is providing me, and I bring it into Light.

I feel myself resurfacing in fragments.

and her friend Revenge.

Look at you, licking your lips.
Vampiric, feeding off psyche.
A gleam in your eye because you got away with thievery.
Prowling through the night,
laughing with your over exaggerated joker-esque grin.
Echo echo echo.

You have no grounding baby, you have no earth to stabilize you.
Twisting in storms, little doll.
Whispered all my secrets to wrap you up in twine.
Beside you, coven dance, in time.
All the witches hair twirling in the sky, our hands lifted high.
A howling scene, in the late summer comes.
Spreading traps from moons to the sun.
Run through the woods, my breath is the wind.
Run run run.

Your legs will give.
I'll lift your head in gentle hands.
I'll reach into your chest and crush you the way you have crushed me.
I will run my fingers through your soul,
clenching every bit of life force, until you are dripping blue.
My little devil, in through your chest and out through your mouth.
A burst of golden flames.
Damage done, is damage earned.
I have no need for an eye, a tooth, or a nail.
Dragged behind on Karma's griffin tail.
Brush burn on those knees,
Isn't that how you like it dear?
A mess, a mess.

Don't you dare, speak my name.
Or I'll break you just the same.
I warned, take heed.
Oh you'll hear me, indeed.




SM

Carry yourself.
Overthrown.
I have nothing left to prove.
To recover these last moments.
in my hands like broken colored glass,
washed ashore.
Found.
Then let float back into the sea.

Asks me to sing him a song.
says it's been too long,
since my voice spoke the words my mind conjures up.
Knowing the things you said to her were taken from things I've written you.
I have no songs to sing,
Nothing new.

Hour glass

A world.
Is opening.
I'm not ready.
Don't think I am able.

What is this even worth?
If it was given up so easily.
Back to the woods.
Where I called your name through the tallest trees.

Losing myself in papers I placed in the creek.
Floating free.
Why'd you even come back to me?
Prove it's worth it.
Breathe in time.

S.M.

i'm too gullible.

i hand people knives to stab me with.

then i wash them. reuse.

i'm bleeding

I should have posted them all when they were written.

All my truths.

Kept in digital filing cabinets.

architect- May 7th

silently watching the way your eyes move when you lie to me
and how your pupils expand when you realize that my heart belongs to you either way
you build me back up
brushing your hand along my face
then my shoulder, my sides, my hips
you lift my chin with your index finger
thumb across my lips
I close my eyes tight
half awaiting your kiss, half hoping I disappear with
the heartache that comes within the next days as you like to drift away
strings on a kite
you keep saying you love me
you keep fucking with my head
i hope you can still smell my scent in your bed
months from now when I no longer return 
you'll have to rip yourself apart to find the traces left of me
hidden in your heart, is this where it all falls
i'm kicking down towers
i'm calling your name

I placed all of the wildflowers into a ring.

April 2016.

I think too highly of people. I create worlds for them,

weave them webs.

Then carefully place food down to nourish them.

I pet their hair and kiss foreheads goodnight.

I pull down stars and I protect with every fiber of my being.

I stand strong when they lash out, I hold their arms as they slice my chest open.

I stare into eyes that glaze over to keep me out.

I speak truths,

I

reinvented

time

For You.

To repay me your mouth on her mouth and a fire fades,

it rebuilds itself into something greater as I toss my ego inside.

I kicked down every single fucking wall to find you hiding,

whispering lies and you still come inside me.

I light a handful of candles to guide the truth to me.

You are everything you promised not to be.

Shaking in my stomach, and my blood is poison.

That I will purge from my wrists to fucking drown you in.

Trust broken is only earned back.

My watch is no longer yours to use,

stuck in time.

050316

Dreams of standing in a hall full of glass doors being instructed to be the one to ask others what sacrifices they are ready to make as I watch blue and green lights rise out from them into a large sack I am carrying.
I reach the end of the doors and am met with a small child taking a bath in a magenta clawfoot tub.
She is happy, her hair is long, she climbs out and stares into a mirror, she hands me a pair of scissors. I take her and cut her hair to above her shoulders.
The hair removed turns to thorn bushes on the floor.
My hands and bleeding.
She opens the sack I was filling and pours the blue and green into the bathtub. It glows and she instructs me into the tub.
I shake my head no and tell her "these are not my sacrifices."
She shakes her head yes.
I hesitantly climb in, clothed my dress is weighed down though its not wet. I lay in the tub and absorb. The little girl pulls the drain and as the colors spiral down it also suck the dress off of me in fragments.
I am sitting the tub nude and an older woman comes into the room.
She is smiling and feels warm.
She has scissors in her hands, she reaches over and touches my cheek as she cuts my hair.
I feel like I am filled with buzzing sounds.
I run to the mirror, I'm about six years old.

I feel the child is a representation of parts of my past that I am finally able to cleanse myself from. I feel the older woman is my wisdom.

Change your attitude= Change your life.
With the summer winds rising, we are on a brighter axis, there is no place left as shadow to hide or dwell.
It's time to face ourselves head on.
Let any and all issues surface and then purge them into the New moon in cancer, and if that is not your belief, then just purge your fears into the oceans.
Lean your head on the shoulders of those you love and know we are ALL on the same side.
Reflect on all aspects of things you may be neglecting and take your watering can and love the hell out of each other.
Water me. Water us.
Everything will be illuminated soon by the summer sun.
The manic passage.
This is a call out, a white flag, recognize others for their flaws but their virtues that have come from them.
Drop your ego and watch how quickly you begin to transcend.
Heal.
Love.

SM

dream inspired may 2016

I emptied my pockets and all my bags pouring them on the landscape begging to find more of what I freely gave away.
Time.
But time is elusive because sometimes she does not exist at all.
The illusionary alchemist.
All my trinkets rolling down grassy hills where we once laid, glitter floating gracefully through the winds.
"You set aside your magic for such silly things."
"Love is not silly." I replied defensively.
"Then you are doing it wrong." She smiled while handing me a memory in a little jar I once dreamed he had given me.

I thought to myself how she was right, we've argued all my lifetimes over these things and while others shake their heads at watching me manifest my mistakes to repeat them until I learn, she always kindly smiles.
"When you feel like you are wasting time, you are not learning the lessons provided within."
The fact is, this is not just your lesson, sometimes it is just yours to teach another.
"Have you gathered your details?"
I shook my head no.
Waving her hand and showing me his kind eyes.
"Others eyes sometimes blind."
I closed mine, until I felt tears welling up in the corners tickling their way free, warm paths down my face before they leap into space.
"I don't know." I whispered.
She pulled my hands into her heart, "None of us know, we hold all of this knowledge, wisdom is never free.
Alas, we still, do. not. know."

Saree McClaran

The shape shift cavalry

She disappears into the swollen bellies of predatory beasts
then comes out wearing their hide.

The shape shift cavalry,

Wide mouthed,

Poison lungs.

Orange embers burning before souls turn black.

I take pieces from the spine you lack.

Kitten paws licked,

bleeding down her thighs.

Golden paint across those eyes.
Gleam,

Sun rays,

Solstice soaked.

-Saree McClaran 062116

Venus

There's a blood letting, a call out for my protections.
Sages have their palms on wading waves making beats from the oceans ways.
Heart conjunction melody.
Look who is catching you now.
Sleeping summer eyes with kisses over laid.
I walk on invisible ribbons to lead the way.
I'm not scared, but I can't let you stay,
at the bottom of this whirlpool.
I've started tearing down the sun to dry all past tears,
a global warming as my flesh may burn,
but I'm infused in the safety of our love.
I'm weaving webs in solidarity of those some claimed were my enemies.
Words like weapons but I have purged all dark and only have light work left to do.
A growing hope that emits an awakening.
Arms that hold me close in some coming cosmic phenomenon.
Reaching like swaying trees into me,
Intimate interaction, alter dance.
The seasons are our magic.
Hands together, Nothing happens by chance.

Saree McClaran
060816

I stood on a line in my mind.
One you created, one that I acknowledge for you, though I swore to never allow walls to remain.
Whatever brought you safety, I was accepting of.
I watched through seasons change and you'd push and pull, push and pull, push and pull.
My body bruised.
Breathless.
But never lifeless.
I revisit my own self care when you do your dance.
I've found rhythm there.
The way your eyes change, the things that make you tender.
The way you build walls to watch me destroy them, with faith that I will.

Your jaw clenched as my shaky small voice choked on tears while demanding my sanity.
My head was reeling, you had been holding my hand and I was the one that pulled away.
I was stuck on this metaphorical line, one only you could remove.
You watched for the first time as my mind and my heart tried like hell to reconcile by muffling one another.
All stars with wide eyes and mouths in awe whispering in unison while watching, "shhhh" blew the winds.
You stood like a pillar, some muse of mine, some sun god I've accredited you with all the love in the fucking world.
Because I want you to match what I have to offer, because I know you are capable, like no other.

Your cigarette smoking spiraling in soft purple plumes.
Your eyes soften and you kick your own wall in to pick me up.
I remember fragments before my mind spirals up with those plumes into an oscillating fraction of the universe that I am coaxed into,
as I fall in lawns and you hold me as my body purges the last however many months that I've fed off mixed energy.
Forcing hydration and warmth.
Even while parts of me are being removed from this plane you do not realize how this is part of something so much larger.
But you do, because we've been here before.
You told me so.

You breathe into me new life in the morning.

Kissing under blankets as the sun creeps up.
Taste my nectar, aren't you sweet.
The corners of your smile is where I fall asleep.

...But to me it meant the world.

With my hair balled up in your fist,
with your mouth pressed against lips.
Memorizing the rhythm of your breathing,
Memorizing the rhythm of our hips.

sometimes

Fingers finding their way through the skin of my rib cage.
I can not breathe here please take me away.
I'm sleeping all day, stuck in dreams.
Why are you dragging me along?
Why are you claiming my love?
I am running for my life, in fields of flowers and sun, and there is no end in sight.
I am the morning sun rise to the flickering lightening bugs at night.
You know I own this life.
She says she doesn't think you're playing games.
I made a list, I crossed off names.
I handed my thoughts to her.
Pressing heavy on her chest and I felt guilt in needing to reach.
So I retracted my hands, I tucked them in my pockets.
I took out my pen and and I scribbled until my heart bled from ink.
I said, I'll say no from now on.
If I'm not wanted why do I run to arms that hold.
Why do they hold? Why do I melt inside?

Staring at cracks in ceilings and letting you undress me, more than my clothing,
but all masks I ever wore.
I don't even care if I just become your flighty, running, fantasty whore.
With fluttering lashes that blink and in my heart, we sink.
Oh safety.
Longing for more, for all the plans I had for you.
For the thoughts that died in my womb.
"I need space, I need room."
I'll give you galaxies.
I build castles in your wake.
All the tallest trees hear my call and the earth begins to shake.
I part oceans, I thread light to fabric to cover you and keep you warm.
I hold you in my arms and will take away all the bad and only give you light.
I open doors and I walk away in waiting.
I can not breathe here, please take me away.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, love.
I'm not sure I can stay.
I already took your magic away.
You can earn it back within time.
But not until then.
Heavy on my tongue, the word No.
A shaking head and her eyes say "I told you so."
I press my fingers into my rib cage to counteract your touch.
I never even needed much.
I asked for love and time.
Never demanding, instead I gave you mine.
Now I'm walking on see-through strings.
Now you hear, from across the mountains, the way my heart still sings.
I float in raging rivers. 
Piano keys plinking and I requested one last song.
Sun casting shadows to choreograph graceful movements.
As your hair falls in my face.
I held back all the tears that wanted to pour from my eyes.

Why do you open me so?
If you are too afraid to fill me.
New moon, bleed soon.
I can not breathe here.
Please take me away.

And my favorite songs play
while I make love to you making love to me.
You take me back with you, where ever it is that you're hiding.
When your lit up blue and telling me how much I mean to you.
I tie a string and let you wander,
"I won't lose you again" in dreams of crowded places.
Corridors with happy faces, laughing mirrors,
promising me we'll be alright.
I'll hold you in my arms all night.

Dessert

Prism baby,
you're a swollen gash where the glitter expels.
At night where you're lit up in his room.
Spread me wide, soften my limbs.
There is a kiss for each emotion and my skin thirsts for each.
Splintered lashes, dagger stare,
Come in inside, if you fuckin dare.
I'm the queen.
Prism baby,
golden feathers to preen.
Hands on my hips to hold me down.
Here I lay, with my cum-shot crown.

dream- crowded growing rooms

I'm in some crowded bar, you are texting me about meeting me there.
There are so many people that the walls keep expanding into hallways.
I keep trying to just get outside so that I'll be where you told me to be,
but the room keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I'm standing on a chair. and then jump on to a table, you walk into the bar and stand in the door for a minute,
I wave to you and you are trying to get through to get me.
People are buying you drinks and you have like a drink tray full of beers, your hair is a bit shorter,
you keep trying to get me still and are looking for me.
I've been shoved into some elongated corridor.
I'm not on anything anymore, the whole ceiling is just mirrors.

you keep texting my phone but I'm trying to yell to you instead of responding.
My phone feels really heavy.
You are in the hall and a few people are walking in slow motion between us.
We are both smiling, you get to me a hug me.
The hug feels warm and melty. the room is wobbly, you whisper I don't want to be in here anymore.
I point to your beers that you need to finish and we start laughing.
We are laying on the floor laughing and looking at each other in the mirror ceiling.
I tell you I need to be outside.
You tell me you won't lose me this time

Multifaceted.
Catching rays of light on my swollen tongue.
Eyes wide.
Looking forward to a midnight run.
Invited to a girl's night out.
Time to dance these gleaming knives out.
Blade sharp, like my mind;
ink from a pen.
Fill your cup: "Say when."

dream-quarter machine living rooms

Had a dream I was at work, but the lights were dim, yellowed. It was lit with christmas lights and these drop lighs made out of tree branches..
C walks over to me and handed me a little notepad with a couple words I can't make out on it. I keep squinting and laughing. We start talking about Pulp Fiction. Suddenly we are in my house- but not my house a house of mine in the dream. I have on black lace tights that I haven't worn in several years and peach tulle skirt I bought for an x best friend of mine. I ask C what she wrote on the paper, she laughs and said "I didn't, you did."
I'm lacing up a pair of boots.

She is still standing there holding the paper it just says "in mint, june 8p.m."
I feel confused. She is collecting something from a giant quarter machine in my living room.
Its a tiny little flower with the petals glued on where you can see the glue prominently.
She sets it on my coffee table and we go outside.
For some reason she is smoking a cigarette, I don't think she smokes, but the smoke is light green.
My head says "Green-Go"
She says "Whats?" I tell her that her smoke is green, she laughs.
I say I have to go, she grabs my wrist and tells me not to, that something tells her that I'm supposed to stay.

I start running down an alley.
The ground is shiny like when its raining. I'm running into a field, its getting dark out but I keep running.
I hear some shouting my name I look up and the road near the field my bf is standing there next to a car.
He is yelling at me that I need to get in.
I am suddenly back in my apartment. I'm twisting a crank on a giant quarter machine.
I get a folded up piece of paper that says "stay".

Everything was softened on the shore,
the water caressed her body gently the way their hands once did.
Next time I'll roll over and continue to dream instead.
My story is forever; only mine.
There is no metaphorical remedy.
Turning in silence, staring at the night.
I hold my breath, I bite my tongue, I stand strong instead of run.
I poise my axis, my shaking legs wide.
I birthed these seas.
The Moon, the Sun, and Me.

Hidden Passages

I held you up to kiss suns you would have never witnessed otherwise.
And now I tuck them into silken blankets alone at night.
I gently handed you stars that I collected over lifetimes, kept in delicately threaded sachets.
You needn't return the trinkets that make my heart full.
I want to watch as your eyes still shine from the ventures you've had.
In hope of futures with us.
You have feats to conquer that I'm unable to aide you in.
I have crossed over into gates that do not unlock to go backwards and I've been bruising my body trying to reopen them for you to continue on in.
On your time.
Just know I've broken all the watches in this world for you and no clock hands can untie the knots that sew our hearts together.
A bond, that was there before we ever met eyes.
One that tosses colorful fabric into the sky to project the sunset, just as we will again rise.
That lays down in the grass to warm it as our bodies have.
Our hands still reach to each other without thought and my fingers still yearn to run across your arm as you lay next to me.
I smile silently as I feel you kiss my forehead in mornings where the sun climbs in the window after its hidden rendezvous.
I still breathe you in when you hold me close, like a flower, you water me.
I let you do these things.
My keys are still in your pocket.
Find me when the sun sets over june and the fields are lush.
We'll run as far away as you need, where the rabbits hide in their dens.
I'll show you all the secret places that I know.

Saree McClaran
050316

I collect my pride.
Lion's mane.
If you won't cut ties that knotted my noose.
I will.
A coward's loose, hiding in shadows.
Crawling out at night.
To say he loves me at the climax of time.
But there's new magic brewing.
And our drinks are poured hot.
Rolling off his tongue, wide eyed.
Drawn the line.
Let me cross, your magic has no power over me.
Because it's always been mine.
Breathing into my lips, a summers kiss.
Traded souls, that tangled like wind chimes during a storm.
Our love still has a sound.
To me, you are bound.
All that try to take what's mine:
Eye for an Eye.
Go for the throat my daddy said.
Best believe that bitch plays dead.

Half way between a circle connecting and a spiral that shows us our inner self;
the places we've gone and where we will further go.
Swaying to the sound of the wind as it rattles through the tops of trees,
letting the flames engulf our readied cycle.
Beltane unity.
Speaking the language only flowers knew.
Seeking, channeling, dancing, true.
Now Bloom.

Where you can not find the light you seek. Look within. Create.

Manic

Sea foam veins.
Glitter eyes.
Goddess heart.
Dance for days.

Resonate throughout.
You are a beacon, shining light.
Seek those whom are seeking.
The collective.
Weave this intricate web.
Safety. Love.
Bring me lilac weather.
Wrap me in your softest sweater.
A rest will do you well.
Find me in our garden where only time will tell.
Swan songs sung to pull us through.
Rays of sun spill on to you.
Empower others.
Feed those that are hungry.
Nourish yourself in doing so.

If I reach out, I have my own reasons,
I am a seeker of Truth.
I am a Healer, for myself, for those around me.
I shed light, I create good intent.
I take in too much, while I give just the same.
I love too much.
When people hurt me, I don't get mad I get curious.
I for some reason offer my hand to them because I was taught that we all need to acknowledge our souls in order to make way to that healing process.
I have the tendency of putting myself on the line,
for me in-betweens are comforting.
Those cracks that we fill in with memories, déjà vu, and
the sunlight shining through between leaves.
That's where I soak myself up,
that's where I offer for you to come sit beside me.
Invitations sent, postage paid.

S.M.

2016

Local watering holes

And I want to coax them all in, with my soft bosom to comfort,
while I hand feed them decadent little poisons.
Making you violently ill, the way you've fractured my emotional stability.
Let me see those pretty eyes fill with the tears that have been catapulting off my face for two weeks time.
I'll braid her hair with razor blades and it all tumbles down like dried weeds on the lawn the day after it's been mowed.
"cut it and I'll leave."

You think you know, this sweet girl was always kind.
Until you realize you've eaten from the pit to the rind.
Mouth foaming and they're fresh out of luck.
Oh babe, crawl back to my bed, rest your head, weep as you need.
I just no longer give a fuck.
What was warm is now cold to the core,
and you're digging and searching and scraping whats left begging for more.
Kiss these lips, lips that kiss hers,
and his and his and hers, back around.

And I still just want you.
To drown in me.

Let me baptize you between these thighs.

indigo crow

Dreamt of a giant dark indigo crow filling the sky and flying over as I hid in our tent.
You grabbed me, pulled the zipper up.
Your usually happy eyes full of fear made my heart drop.
That she may see me?
Or that I may see her?
I touched your face, but I already know.
I looked out again as her sharp beak called out.
I unzipped and walked on through a clearing to the woods.
You kept screaming my name.
You ran after lunging and tackling me to the ground as she swooped in a circle.
You had me pinned in the grass, your eyes full of love and we started falling through into some den.
You kept pulling me close, but I kept curiously wandering down these dirt tunnels where bits of sunshine shone through ancient make shift windows.
I felt comforted here.
I wrapped you in a blanket made from sunflowers we grew together.
I woke up finally feeling rested.

5:30 rambling

And that's where it's come down to, me needing to lose myself,
as he claims he is lost and I'm giving advice on the greatness of being found (because it's true, I know- because I desire the same),
I equally understand parts and pieces of him that he doesn't understand yet.
I love him more than he knows, and I'm alright with that.
I'm alright with being the hand that comforts him when he needs,
but what he isn't realizing; with warmth comes a mania in me, an insatiable thirst.
I invited him in and he hasn't quite ever witnessed Me in full effect yet,
I remained relatively mellow and level headed.
Until now.

I do best in chaos.
Lead me into fire to watch me rise from it, drag me into oceans to watch me pull a Houdini.
I grew up in a slightly different time than you.
Aggression and angst were nodded at,
now all these kids are in pastels and floral prints and all I can think of lately is taking a can of gasoline to your cascading curtains,
pulling your hand up my skirt and tearing you piece by piece as I writhe in everything you can never fucking have or be.

I miss girlfriends,
With their pretty hair and gleaming eyes, their soft skin and the way they like to be cradled after,
their lit up faces when they don't expect to shake that way.
You can't do what I can do.
But I could teach you.
You're in for a hell of a ride.

I am running through blooming forests, ones I asked his name for a year ago.
Where I sought myself, where I sought a love that I knew I'd fight til the death for.
In a dream you were brought to me in ideas and I was coaxed forward.
My fingertips softly running upward, caressing the moss, warm and gentle.
Laying me down on the roots of hundred year old tress.
You ripped the lace as you came inside.
Full eye contact.
The match is lit, kid.
Watch it burn.

S.M.

Just let Karma do her thing.
She already rescheduled these plans accordingly.
You don't get a heads up, you get a reminder.
An epiphany in the follow through.

if you knew the things I gave up 

All that is said, as naturally as he can,
in a manic haze, his crooked smile,
his eyes squint like little cresent moons that've fallen on their sides.
"I'm Tangerine and you're Periwinkle."
Where others see nothing...
this bursts into fifteen immediate muses floating into glittery winds spiraling into the 4a.m. sky for me.
Impeccably personifying us as colors, guided into tools I've come accustomed to.
Or possibly fruit and flowers, create a path to our gardens.
Whispering to a pair of fawn and a mother doe while laughing at my metallic shoes.
Sleep talking to nighttime cats, and wrapping me in deja vu while slipping his magic hand over mine.
Sometimes lacing his fingers with mine like golden crochet needles weaving a story along our palms.


---not finished

You remind me of summer.
The taste of the dusk air turning into indigo evenings.
The feeling of cleansed souls sitting by trickling streams,
a warm hand that comfortingly rests on my hip.
You are the soft lulling cicadas warmed by july,
you are the magic that has left stars cut out in dark night skies.
Chestnut eyes with pupils widening and soft lips that curl at the ends to remind me where happiness grows.
Inside you, inside us.
Within.
I bring you close always and feel as though we belong.
Perhaps not here because "here" barely exists and merely signifies a place of meeting.
In our connect we can move forward, in lost momentum we can catch our breaths,
if you need breaks I will forever wait.
For you, my reminder of the season that blooms in a readily decorated den where I keep you safe.
I plant flowers in circles around you and sing you songs you may never hear.
Ambient in the most crucial of ways,
a calming lavender glow your aura eclipses me and makes my heart grow.
I love you, forever

-Saree

I need the ocean.
I need the sun rising in the morning, slowly lifting reflective light upon the world as a new discovery with hope in every waking moment.
I'm losing my fucking mind.
I want to feel the sun setting on the horizon, waves in gradient hues.
Everything you give, is not everything you lose.

Moon Shine

I slide my hands across the pavement, warmed from the early morning sun.
Waiting out the afternoon plucking blades of grass in alleyways.
Is this as close as I can get to home?
Downtown where the buildings are breathing.
I'm spiraling through into a manic dance.
Flowers echoing a pattern of resilience. Each year to return.
To grow then wilt in our beauty, to flourish from the shining warmth and the pouring rains.
I'm pouring for you again.
My roots are growing down deeply.
Reach for you to meet me, wrap you in my comforts.
A home is made in this soil and I can taste you everywhere I go.

Dusk falls in as a swaying maiden, skirts flowing in vibrant clouds of gradient purple hues.
She slides her hand across the pavement,
our fingertips touch, she glides a soul bearing seed into me.
Our truths will come, for you seek them so.
In order for growth, your seeds, we must sow.
In like mist, a love once had, that I have missed.
I tiptoe with graceful optimism that I can collect treasures for you in blowing winds that guides me back and forth and to you, always.
I climb up like the soft night, guided by stars and all that is ours.
Into trees to over see rivers where you swim freely.
It's all relative in discovery, a season's being.
Pointing out constellations, the first time you breathed life into me, will not be the last.
The moon shines and reflects, its face on to yours.

S.M.
040316

I dream of singing you songs.
I dream of the nights from when we met.

dream hidden rooms, pink bathroom

Another dream about a new house.
I was going through this house that needed to be updated a bit, but has a lot of intricate details and all these hidden rooms.
My bf and I kept walking into a room, to find another door that lead to a brand new room, the colors of the rooms were bright, green bedrooms, blue wall papers, then a bright pink bathroom, my bf goes "it looks like a raspberry exploded." it reminded me of a lipstick my grandma used to wear, which made me think of this one sweater she used to wear, that reminds me of this windbreaker shirt thing my boyfriend has and I kept laughing.
Standing in this bright pink bathroom that was falling apart around us laughing hysterically.
We started running out of the rooms as if the house were about to crumble, parts of it were transparent and we could see outside but it wasn't seeing through windows, it just kind of started disappearing.
He took my hand and told me to run faster, it felt urgent but we kept laughing.
Next I know we were outside and standing outside a garage.
I told him "I like the way garages smell, its one of my favorites." and he replied "that's why you like me."
I looked up just as the garage door came down and smacked me in the head.
I fell down and suddenly we were sitting on the floor in the pink bathroom again.
He was holding my hand and said "this isn't our house I think we should go."
I said "I know, but I miss this one." then woke up.

oranges and new kitchens- dream

I had a dream I was moving into a beautiful new home with Rory, he was sitting in a chair eating an orange.
It was on a hill surrounded by beautiful trees and fields. It felt peaceful.
There was a small island in the kitchen that was also the kitchen table.
It had large windows with lots on natural light. I looked out the window and Rory was standing too close the the edge of the hill, but my boyfriend grabbed him and put him on a little patio that was in the back yard.
I looked on the floor and Rory has smooshed the orange into the carpet, I thought "yep... we live here."

I'm too "overwhelming".
I'm too "sensitive."
I feel too much.
I used to feel too little.
I used to be the one that wasn't reciprocating correctly.
I used to love someone that would seek love everywhere but from me.
Soaking into the sheets of several lovers.
Then I loved someone with walls so high that I fell too many times trying to climb them,
I loved so fucking hard that it almost killed me.
I lost myself that year.
Then I loved someone who gave me a reason to live,
but things don't always work out that way.
I realized through loving them how closed I had become.
This taught me the differences of Loving, and Love, and being IN Love.
I found myself and decided to live my life for me, and for my child.
I find myself in the struggle.
I examine myself and open.
I've lived lifetimes within a lifetime.
I believe you when you say I'm overwhelming because I am overwhelmed.
My feelings flow so fucking deeply that I root myself into this world with a fierceness that sometimes intimidates others.
My heart has opened so big that it envelopes over those that I bring near me.
I become protective.
That is my nature.
I've poured protective salt over any and all negativity,
forgetting that sometimes in order to thrive others need to relapse into survival mode.
That's where we are found, finding.
Ourselves and each other.
I'm in.
I'm patient.
Take your time, love.

Transition. Ready when you are. Savor this evolution of being. Modus Operandi.

Carried

Like crushed diamonds glittering over her,
she glows just for you.
In a way only you have ever done,
breathing in fresh mornings.
The misty thickness rolling through fields and open arms to fall in to.
Like scattered leaves where children jump.
I carry hope.
Its more than most can say.
Waking in his hands that hold.
Love seeps in
and I carry hope.

S.M.
031016

Mother of Suns

Like a fucking Phoenix.
I birth the suns.
I set flame and I create the waves.
A queen of queens.
If you want to sacrifice your sanity for what which is no longer,
be my guest.
The sharpest of daggers slicing into your chest.
Blood pacts that the only enemy you make is your own.
The more air you will lose depends your grip,
Cutting holes in your little paper ship.
Bubbling floods, the kind that prophets will fear.
In your ear as you sleep, it's whispering "near."
I'll call them in like wolves in the woods,
and the howling dreams.
It's all as simple as it seems.
You want circles, I'll draw them ten fold,
Quarantined.
Harm none.
Unseen.
Dear Gods of the North, East, South and West,
ill thoughts, exploitation, paper or speech,
Put it to rest.
Little girls don't know what they do.
Swept up with a broom and we're laughing,
"Just Shoo!!!"

S.M
030916

Snake charmer

Venom- fang, injected, a soft bite that stings,
a strange force of toxic movement into your blood stream.
I gently place my mouth on your wounds.
Run the risk of swallowing too much.
I trace my fingers lightly over your past.
If infection spreads, I will heal you.
My hand is your hand, and we reach,
to places where safety remains.
Where light will always be,
Antidote.
Shining through me into you, vice versa.
My hands pulling you in, over, wrap you up in warmth.
Mouths that meet then the magic we continue to create.
Vortex of time and we warp out of thought.
The soft beating of your blushing heart.
Rhythmic lulling.
Encased between fleshy layers that I'm sworn to protect.
Candles lit and winds that sway,
Carrying love to where it stays.
Hidden in caverns, surrounded by trees.
You're safe here love, stay with me.

030816
S.M.

She spread her self like the branches of sprawling trees,
Let the spring air soak through into me.
Fresh breath, one step.
Let me be a revitalization into your being and encompass me.
The grass grasping for rays of light.
Things you never notice when you only crawl out at night.

Marco Polo

My body shook.
I went from this buzzing feeling radiating through me,
my abdomen filling with hot dust that swirled quickly until my insides had motion sickness.
Flushed then running cold through my blood.
Her words, her fucking words replaying.

You put your heart in willingly,
gift wrapped, pretty little bow,
and slices it while staring you in the eyes.
Lies.

You've recoiled so deeply that you are rummaging in thoughts.
My heart is running so fast, its running through forests,
snagging on branches and bleeding fucking everywhere.
I'm ravaging in the soil, pulling grass from its roots.
I'm tearing into myself and I will make sure that you'll know why every time you are in the every where that my soul belongs.
You will taste everything you are doing that I pretend to be blind to.

I lost enough blood this year already.
Bleeding a birthless labor, climbing up walls alone, legs that wouldn't move and stones in my abdomen.
I bled it all out for you, and you turn around and show me why.

I'll set fire to her bed.
I'll set fire to her bed.
I'll set fire to her bed.

As I come up for air.

And it's time, to crawl inside oneself and recoil around what we are,
what we've gathered and what we have learned.
This cyclic metamorphism,
if we are not to struggle, our growth is at a stand still.
I rather feel the soil breaking free as we emerge,
Every year.
I feel my watered roots,
I let the words, the memories, the past,
drain from me to make room for new things that will soon bloom.
Flower petals tucked in deeply to waxed silken thread.
This dance of spring,
it wakes the dead.

S.M.

I had a dream that I was floating in a large river, almost as if I were kayaking but there was no kayak just me, sitting on the water, there were sun beams filtering through the trees, glittering down, lots of golden hues, greens and the water was a lovely dark blue. The shore was a few feet a way the grass was tall, greens and yellows, you could see a shelf of dirt where the roots were visibly reaching into the soil, on through to the water as well.
I felt a rush and the water began getting faster, suddenly Rory was also sitting next to me, he was a bit more frantic than me, he was reaching to me a bit and not able to sit straight up so I pulled him in my lap. I could see a bend in the upcoming portion of the water, rather than take the risk of a possible waterfall,
I moved us closer to the shore, got Rory on land and almost felt the urge to keep on with the river.
But it wasn't time, I would not be going anywhere without him.
I climbed up onto shore with him, and there was a valley, filled with hundreds of wild flowers, it looked like what my grandparents yard felt like when I was little.
I suddenly felt, this is Rory's part of the dream.

'Let him relish in this, these are the most important memories, this is where we build the courage to face the upcoming river bends.'

Banishing spells do such and you dared, so I took it.What you don't know is the way my energy works, when I put it out, it is a boomerang.
I'm not interested in walls.
I am interested however: in demolishing them.
I have a sledgehammer and I'm going to take out each piece, placed in front of me that night.
The wall continued growing, each time my insecurity rose, a brick was laid.
Maybe I missed when I struck the concrete,
because I look down to see all that I am bleeding out.

A barren tomb, once a warm womb,
I speak with my eyes, soft thighs.
A bruise left eternally and I sulk alone.
At 4am, I tell my secrets, purge and I can not be satisfied.
I scaled the walls, to push from the inside,
contracting, with her shell loosening.
I watch my skin pulling back.
I am in the color of night, painted, with hues of blue.
I run through fields and dreams of ghost children.
I am casing houses in the woods and kicking in windows.

This is spring,
I'm reaching my fingers through soil, up to the light.

Untied.
Miscarry.

Glitter Nyxi

Welcome to the abyss.
Lipstick stains on my wrist.
Sinking into her,
sinking into her.
Staring me down.
Mouth to mouth.
Resuscitate me, pretty baby.
Let
me
stay.
The ice will harden before I can hide.
All my energy collected,
Will only set forth if true.
A door to unlock.
Enter
my
void.
Dream here.
In the kind forest.
My softest of love.
Waiting for me.

010316
S.M.

The Roots “through the mothers’ hair, their children are born”