he knew me best...

The tide hasn't even come yet. Water logged and I think this time we're all fucking going down. I rather have rusted brass than thier sunken treasure. I rather be swept undertow... Smeared spirals don't say a fuckin thing to me.

Prelude and the Eclipse.
Now she is a waxing moon with Fire infused veins.
Running with pupils dialated- even in the Sun light.

Dream: Be Alive

Sleep paralysis is happening again. I seem to have a feeling it has something to do with my ex.

I'm laying in bed, my room is exactly as it was before I laid down. I can clearly see my sheets. The light from my fish tank, my closet door opened a crack, my bedroom door is open and the house is dark, I can see into the hall. A woman is standing in my door way, she is almost made out of static.
I can't move, I want to speak, who are you I want to ask.
She crawls onto my bed, on top of me, I feel her weight I close my eyes tight trying to will myself to wake. I feel her breath on my face she whispers "Be Alive".
I barely squeak out with less than any voice "Xiixii" (which is my cat's name Z-Z).
Xiixii jumps on the bed and wakes me up.

Space leads to Gardens

David and I were sitting on stairs to some porch.
We had distance between us and I reached my hand over and he stood up and went inside.
I felt upset and confused but then he came back out and got me.
We went inside to a room that looked like it was part of space almost.
The floor and walls and ceiling just kind of blended.
He kept turning and waiting for me to follow.
I was going slow though because i was frightened of falling into the space.
Finally he reached over and just held my hand and we walked at the same pace to a random door.
He told me that we have to open some doors together and by opening them alone we only create more space. So we both looked at each other and kissed him.
The door opened and we were in a beautiful big backyard with a tree and flowers and green grass and it was beautiful.

Waking up I missed him and would get angry at myself because I felt I was still sitting on the stairs at that point..

David and I were outside and it was snowy and we were holding hands walking through like a clearing in a field.
Suddenly we realized we walked onto the snow covered pond and the ice was cracking.
So I grabbed his arm in fear and he took one step and it cracked more.
He tried to get us onto safer parts but the ice kept cracking until there was a circle around where I was standing.
He started crying and told me, "don't leave me we can make it".
And "I said I will wait for you", and started crying too .
He got to the land part and looked back to me.
Then I fell into the water but the water was warm and iI came to the top on my own and saw him.
He told me "Not yet baby"...
And i woke up..

Glass Blown is the shape of Hearts. There are but a Thousand Seas with a Thousand parts. I've walked through every one of them in search of you, but found it's only Me who makes my heart sing true. Paper flowers can only float for so long, so please allow the waves to covet me as their own as I sing my swan song.

Full Moon wishes put into Effect.

Sometimes I love myself more than anybody I have ever met, but I stop and feel selfish, so I put all the people I love before me... until I have forgotten who I was... But every once in awhile, I look in the mirror and I see that girl again. That vibrant flame just waiting to be reignited, that sometimes sends blue sparks up through your being like an electric wave of neon energy. I kind of feel it when I kiss you, but I don't want to tell you. So let's continue to play coy because it's bringing out the thrill that I have been seeking.

I hibernated through my favorite seasons; so this time... Autumn I embrace you, full on; I'm wide open and ready for anything...
This is the first year for as long as I can remember that the colorful leaves on the ground look vibrant and beautiful in your rust and corroded copper.
You are not representing Death this year... but The End... to bring New Beginnings.
Crisp like the morning air stinging my lungs, and the misty pink sky at 7 A.M. It's time to wake up. ♥ I'm Alive.

Solar powered Hearts. Hands open, lap up the glitter with your kitten gleam. Sea soaked Soul, I thought I heard you say the milk's not spoiled, but our fables are. Thought I heard them whispering, you dreamt of me, the way you used to. I see the sun off the surface of the water, it's still keeping us alive.

We are all in search for the Light of the Moon.... with sweet Moments in between.

Be my in between, my beautiful reminder...

Dream: Spiral Staircase Pregnant wreckless

I'm in a bazaar type museum. There are a lot of elephant and deer figurines and red and gold colors.
I'm walking up the stairs with my friend Elsbeth and a male friend of mine I know in waking life but don't see very often.
Elsbeth is before me and my male friend is coming up the stairs after.
I stand and wait for him on an in between floor and I lean over the railing to be silly, I'm feeling energetic and excited about something.

My male friend hurries up the stairs and suddenly the whole room looks light green with blue hues.
He starts telling me that I am be wreckless and I have be more careful.
Then Elsbeth comes running down the stairs saying something but I can't really understand what she said.

I feel my face flush, I laugh nervously. I feel sick and everything has a white hazey glow to it.
I stair walking up the stairs alone. I feel almost drunk, wavy, stumbley. I sit on the stairs and see my male friend coming to find me.
I close my eyes to make myself wake up.

Crystal Peacock Wedding dress

My crystals may have broke, but the vision is still clear. Crawled through the bramble bush in my beaded wedding dress, feathers from peacocks and jewels adorn my being. I'll be waiting in the underneath offering you protection from all it is that you fear.

Autodrawing- Witch with Owl

Ever since I was younger I've been 'automatic drawing'. I do it to center myself and often after I meditate. This time I got a very clear image.

I see a woman, in a cloak (me). She is holding an owl on one arm, and pointing forward. I'd also say she looks pregnant (possibly with ideas, hopes, dreams)

Reflect

I let all my walls crumble down, I watched as they not only fell like crystal mountains onto me but onto others. The shards we all gathered in a circle and pondered our reflections... When the dust cleared we all saw who was really there for us.


It was unfortunate to watch footprints disappear, but I honestly can say I ...wasn't surprised to see how long I had been viewing this whole ordeal with a blind eye.
Those who couldn't comprehend the words my heart spoke, because they themselves have no true understanding of themselves.

Dream: Armadillo saftey courses

I'm walking down a dirt road with a male friend of mine who I had recently mistakenly opened up to in waking life. I'm wearing my usual indigo colored cloak, and we get to where the road met a path in the woods.
But the trees were not filled with the green leaves... they were red and orange like fire.
I sensed something and said to him 'too soon' and he looked at me disappointed.
My dark hairred girl friend who is often in these dreams of mine comes to the edge of the woods, she is waiting for me to come with her... (I feel she is my stronger self because she often appears when I'm feeling a bit lost of weary of the path I'm on).

I look at my male friend, I tell him I'll come back for him and I hand him my cloak, I feel he needs it to be protected from whatever it is that's coming.... not just in our lives here but in the spiritual world and I have no way of helping him do whatever it is he has to do right now because I have my own journey first.
After I hand him my cloak I back away from him as he puts it on... he turns into an armadillo. And I feel I know he has used this so he is protected and I run into the red forest with my dark hairred self.
We are running so fast that trees no longer look like trees but almost as though we are floating through a red tunnel almost as though we were swimming through a blood stream. I felt warm, I felt like I was in a dreamy state; And felt very strong deja vu even in my dream...

Summer has Arrived!

Today things will be getting Better

Dream: Green Stairs

I tell my friend I have to meet my mom at the store, so he walks me there, and when I walk in I can't find her, I see glimpses of her passing clothes racks, I remember the colors yellow and pink, almost like satin. I finally am right behind her she asks me if we can go get something to eat, I nod, and she runs down a flight of stairs, they are painted bright green, I start following her, and get half way down the stairs and can't go any further the stair case is crumbling. She looks up and asks if I "can come back down" with her sometime?

I shake my head no and feel upset that she won't stay upstairs with me...

Dream: Melt Project...

It's dark outside, summer, fresh air and the street lights are making the shine of the city orange.
I am at a house with my friend Elsbeth, it seems like some kind of house party there's a lot of people but they are all kind of blurs. We are in a living room it's lime green and lit with fluorescent lights my friend Kyle is there who I haven't seen in a few years.
My friend Elsbeth's father is there (in waking life, he passed a way a few years ago and I never met him in person). He comes up to me and it wearing a button up shirt with little pinwheels all over it.
He shakes my hand and points into a room. I look at him and walk into the room.

It's cold, and dim there's a glass case, almost like an aquarium without water, instead it's an art exhibit, it says my name under it. Inside is a paper mache' doll next to a televison. I take the remote off the stand in front of it, and press a button for it to play, whatever this film is that I made.

Everything seems green at first and then with time elasped photography it's a girl laying in the grass. The grass is swaying quickly because of the way things are shot, the sun rises and falls several times casting different shadows each time, then I realize the girl is... melting is the best word I can use. She isn't decaying, but it's similar, she is getting smaller, thinner, plasticy, the earth starts growing over her 'corpse' and then it's almost as though she were never there.
I look behind me and a crowd of people start clapping and applauding my 'film'.
People are crying and moved deeply, and I realize it's on several televisions placed in different parts of the rooms.

Elsbeth comes into the room and hugs me, she says she is cold so I give her the hoodie that I'm wearing, and realize it has the same pattern on it her dad's shirt had on it.

and then I woke up.

Dream: Need Music

I've been having a difficult time remembering my dreams lately (understandably so being all the changes my waking life is taking part in). So, this was last night.

I'm walking through downtown where I live, but things are brighter, cleaner,
the grass between houses, between side walks is bright and healthy.
I'm at a party like atmosphere with a few people I don't think seem too familiar.
The one girl has longer dark hair she feels like I'm close to her, a companion type.
Then there is a blonde girl. She's for some reason irritating me and I don't want to be around her. I say that I'm going for a drive and ask my brunette friend if she'd like to join...
and the blonde girl seems to be just following us along.
She asks if she can drive us instead.

I don't want them to know I'm irritated so I shrug and let her.
I'm in the back seat looking out the window, the trees are flashing by in blurs,
it's dusk out now, and we end up right where we started.
I'm thinking in my dream how desperately I want to listen to music and just go home and dance by myself.
I step out of the car and there is water pouring out of a spout, I get this feeling like I'm wasting time and need desperately to just be away.

The blonde girl is talking to the brunette girl about how I'm acting so strange.
I pause trying to keep my mouth shut, but then I say
'I don't want to be around anyone, that I'm irritable and when people talk about me it's making me feel worse'
She goes into the house, my brunette friend stares at me, like I'm completely out of line,
she tells me that if I want to be alone so badly then maybe I should leave.

I don't feel upset by this, or seem to be phased at all, she goes in and closes the door.
And I am upset because my headphones are in her house...
and I can't listen to music on my walk home.

We used to be as fresh as Summer, but now we're just the sweat drenched sheet after the nightmare.
I used to reach out, but my my hands are dropped to my sides.
My shadow used to stretch across the warmth of the sidewalk just to be close to you.
I used to get this anxious grin creeping over my face whenever I'd see you,
and now you just leave the room... me standing on my own.
There's a barrier in the place that I call home, and I refuse to live this way.
You push and push until I'm on the ground. I stare up asking questions with my eyes.
Answered by my own heart. You said not to worry, that we'd be alright.
I believe now that was something you just were hoping to believe on your own.
Flashing that you can leave as you please in my face when I'm in need...
You expect me to beg? When all I can think, is, not if I do first...
I see you trying to climb the wall you just built in between us...
but I'm not going to meet you half way, not this time.

Saree McClaran
2010

New Moon Intention: June 12th 2010

I am an Artist

Dream: the Greenhouse

First dream in weeks... I'm walking through a corridor, I feel I am about 5 or 6 years old. I'm walking slowly, softly swiping my hand along the wall as I walk. I feel curious and scared. At the end of the corridor is a large door, the sun is spilling in, it feels warm although I'm not close yet. I keep taking small steps inching closer. When I stand about one inch from the light. I look up and a small cat walks in the door, I can only see her shadow, she rubs along the door then flops on the sunspot and rolls on her back to show her striped belly.

I step into the sun with her, and look out the doorway.
There's a few stairs that go to a huge meadow, lush beautiful grass with small indian paintbrush flowers and poppies. The kitty is still rolling around in the dust and sun happily.
I look back down the hall from where I came, it's light blue looking, shadowed, kind of cold.
I see a lady in the distance, down crouching by a bush, she seems to be looking at something, or for something. I run over to her, hoping she is my mom.
But she's not my mom at all, she's me (my real age me).
I stare at her, she is holding a small bird, she points to a nest it must've hopped out of that is in the bush in front of her. She kneels down in front of me and moves my hair from my eyes. She tells me that my eye color is going to change from blue to green this year and picks me up (that happened when I was 7 in waking life).

Suddenly I'm in a greenhouse with a male friend of mine. (I'm real age me again)
I can't understand anything being said but I'm happy anyway. I'm running my fingers along leaves of plants and suddenly I'm holding a small toddler boy, he is naked and is pointing at the flowers with me. He lays his head on me and I feel very secure here.

When I wake up I have butterflies in my tummy and I feel very excited and hopeful.

I'm tearing away all the negativity, like leeches with their teeth sunk into my skin I will peel back these layers.
I realize these walls are what prevent me from seeing what I actually have.
I hide away and peer over the tops, looking back the way things Used to be...
although they could still be that way if only I could...
I am tearing away, my fingers bleeding from the wear and tear of breaking myself back down.
I've been preparing so I can just start all over.
I built these walls to protect myself, but they've caused me more harm.
When all you're left with is yourself....
you feel like you are the only thing left to hate.
Like you're stuck in some time warp tunnel and you can hear the echo of your everday life and it spins by
seeming unreal. It's in arms reach, all you have to do is reach out.

Where ever in our wayward travels, does the sun glisten in my eyes,
Sparkle forward, and if you listen as the cinders die.
We've cast forth our spells of moonlight on the oceans waves.
We wait until we're whole again, full again, til 'our' heart behaves.
We are a singular entity, pulled apart, question identity.
Peel away our layers and break down all our walls.
We set out to where the summer breeze calls.
It may be a long travel to where we are going,
But in the end we'll know that's where we belong.
Into misty clouds that block our vision, then we'll see it crystal clear.
We'll hum to our selves, melodies that create our song.
We feel it in our hearts, we see it in our dreams,
the transcendence of our prismatic souls is near.
We'll feel the warmth of all of those we've loved, creating fire, guiding light.
The soothe us in the darkest night.
I feel I've lost you once before.
I see a vision, glimpses, pieces, something more.
Where our hands are held, to the sky
and I make you a promise, that I love you,
I'll cast reflection on the walls in caves...
until we're whole again...
full again...
til 'our' heart behaves.

may 2010

Saree A. McClaran

Full Moon: Release (May 28th)

I Release Walls I Built.

I know that this process is going to be intense, and I'm ready. I've been preparing for quite a while; some of the walls I put up, put me further away from things I needed in my life than I realized until recently.
Looking back but moving forward isn't how I want to live forever. I want to release all the walls that I thought would help heal my heart, but it just tore me further from myself.

We build walls because we've been hurt. We want people to help up tear them down when we're ready again, but how can we ever know that we are ready if we are wearing blinders? We as human beings are full of emotion, and love.
Why would we block those??

So.... me and my paintbrush are tearing down all these walls tonight.

and it's started.

Dream: "Night Room"

I dreamt I was walking through this house in buffalo called "the Birdhouse (it's where a bunch of punk kids live and they put on shows and stuff) well, one of my friend was standing on the stairs and he goes to me, "Hey Dale is looking for you! He is in the night room" so I start going up the stairs, I don't know which room is 'the night room' so I start opening doors, each time people pull me in smiling and talking trying to distract me.
Then I remember I am looking for Dale, and start going to the stairs again. I finally reach the room he is in, I open the door and it looks like the ceiling has been removed so it's just the night sky, All the stars are vibrant and the moon is full and bright. Dale is sitting just staring at the moon, he doesn't even look at me, or seem to notice I am here.
I sit down next to him, I look at his face and realize how much I miss him in real life because I havent seen him n probably two years. I stare up at the moon with him, and the air smells fresh and beautiful. He reaches over and holds my hand.
We look at each other and he looks confused, almost in disbelief he says "You came back!?"

and I wake up crying again...

Update: August 2012, after I had this dream I went through quite a bit of people to finally get a hold of Dale. He laughed off my dream and told me he was fine and that he loved me and how "weird I was about my dreams" He reminded me of how our friend Brandon passed away and how I had a dream about it a few weeks before that. It made me feel worse, I sort of went a bit crazy after Brandon passed away and did a lot of acid to try to remove myself from my reality, instead it helped me see things clearer. We talked about this, he admitted he was depressed.
The last time I talked to him was the day I had Rory (April 27 2012), he texted me that he heard I had my son and he was happy for me because I will be a great mom.

This month Dale is in a coma. he was in a motorcycle accident I don't know a lot of details, but felt I needed to put my thoughts down here about it. Fuck.

Dream: Seedlings

I haven't been dreaming as often it seems... but this one I had on thursday.

There are a group of women standing in a circle, we are joining hands, there are 11 of us. I have my eyes closed and I feel a low humming as we meditate together, my friend Jackie is on one side of me, and my mom is on the other side.
I feel someone watching, they don't feel familiar here. I open my eyes a woman is there standing a few feet from us, she has dark hair, it's very messy and her eyes have dark circles under them. I remove myself from the circle to walk toward her, the other women in my circle look up, but continue.

I walk toward her and she stares at me, I know her through my dreams.
She tells me without speaking she 'needs me help', and she' has come early because she knew I'd be following the trees have given me soon so I could finally continue'.
I take her hand and she and I enter the circle of the ten other women, they surround us. The women all hum a song so beautiful my eyes tear up. I hold the girls hands and watch her eyes go from a murky color to a light color, blue or green. Her hair is shimmering like rainbows and there is light surrounding us.
I start coughing and drop to my knees. I am saying something but it's coming out sounding backwards, or a language I myself don't even understand.
She joins hands with the 10 woman and I'm still in the middle coughing up chunks of dirt into my hands. The women all stop and take me to a small well to get me water.

A woman hands me a glass of water the water is a see through violet or purple color. I feel normal and see I'm still clutching dirt I had coughed out. I look at it and it has 2 small seedlings growing, The girl I helped is smiling, she has beautiful flowing reddish hair now and bright beautiful eyes, she walks toward me and sits on her knees in front of me, she tells me these seedlings will someday be my children, and I will name one of them after the Light, and one of them after the Dark.

When I wake up my boyfriend is staring at me, he tells me I was talking in my sleep but none of it was making any sense. Also, my mouth is very dry, and I'm VERY thirsty when I wake up.

Dreams: Fish tank/ Crucifix

I keep having what I'd call series of smaller dreams, which seem to only last a few minutes, and just transition into eachother but don't flow into eachother. Not typical to the way I regularly dream, they are choppy and harder to keep track of for me personally.
I've also been told I've been talking in my sleep again, and sometimes wake up, and I'm already sitting up, and I feel as though I'm being 'stared at' or even 'watched' I can't explain.

I'm walking through a house with a bag of groceries in my arms, I'm waiting for my mom to come home (in waking life I do not live with my mom) I'm standing in my kitchen and I'm startled by a man, I do not know him, he is older he is standing in the doorway behind me, at first I just feel him staring at me, so I turn around.
Suddenly I'm walking to my bathroom my mom's cat Colby is sitting on a shelf I have, and my fishtank is on a shelf where my bathroom mirror is, my fish (Truffle, a 3 year old Black Moor) is covered in a thick slime coat, I start freaking out because she is sick and I put my hand in her tank and swish water around in the bottom for some reason.
A guy comes in, he grabs me from behind, I can't see him but he pulls me away from my fishtank, and pulls me to the floor, I feel hysterical (in waking life I feel like she is my daughter because I've had her for three years and love her a lot).

I wake up for a brief moment ( I think) because I remember light coming in from my bedroom window, I start dreaming I am at my grandmother's house, I'm in her room, and I'm wearing grey cableknit tights and a blue empire dress, a boy I used to see back when I was in my teens but no longer associate at all comes in. He grabs me and forces me to have sex with him. I feel blank and just stare at the crucifixes on the wall.
When he's done I lay on a pile of clothes and fall into a hole underneath them.

I wake up, and my boyfriend is staring out the window,
I can't talk though I feel my tongue is heavy.
I try to sit up but my body is also very heavy.
I close my eyes, for what I think is a moment, but when I wake up he isn't in the room anymore.

but he tells me I was talking in my sleep, but it wasn't really making much sense and he didn't want to talk about it.....

Dream: Dear Self....

Everything is dark, I can't tell if I'm inside, or outside or even what I'm walking on.
Suddenly I feel someone touch my shoulder from the back, it scares me so much I let out a gasp. But I don't turn around yet. I feel an energy seeping into me, like the color yellow more like gold flowing into my blood, I feel like how glitter looks when you throw it in the air.
I feel myself smile, and I giggle.

Suddenly everything around me is illuminated by a shining blue color. So you can only see the outlines of things. I turn around quickly, but no one is there. I look down and there's a small key. I pick it up. It's made out of wood I put it in my pocket and walk toward a large stage. I walk up the stairs and look back, I'm in an theater, one where you would watch plays. The seats are empty except one. There is the guy I dream of often (the one I refer to as my guide, and Mary has said is my Action). I can only see the green glow of his eyes, but I can feel that it's him. He looks like his head is turned slightly, it's still extremely dark with just the light blue casting shadows. I feel almost embarassed, like he can see me just fine, but I'm struggling to see him.

I hear rustling behind a curtain. A girl comes out. She is Me. She bumps into me, like she can't see me, but it doesn't phase her, she walks through me.... literally. I can feel it, it's the same goldish/yellow color again. She hurries down the stairs and walks toward the guy in the seats. He stands up and reaches his hands out. I can see them now, it's not dark anymore. I watch from the stage, they are standing between rows of seats. She reaches in her pocket but it looks like she's lost something she was going to give him.
I remember the key I picked up. Was it me? who dropped the key? when I touched myself???
I walk down the stairs, hesitating... I feel like a third wheel here, lol.

I am right next to them but the girl who... is me can't see me. But he can... he watches me.
I can't give her the key to give him, because she doesn't see me....
I try to put the key in her pocket but it falls on the floor.
So.... I copy 'myself' and touch "my" shoulder.

And then I wake up, I realize I'm crying in waking life.

New Moon: Intention (May 13th)

I am Creative.
I am an Artist.

Something in me Just Woke.

why I used to be, the way I was.
And I miss that  feeling more than anything.
I miss the way the sun rises in Maryland,
and for some reason it just looks so much better there, rather than in this dying town.

Dream: Future meets the Present

I'm outside in someone's backyard,
There's a bunch of people talking to eachother, I remember in my dream feeling too hot.
I end up wandering away from everyone and sitting on a porch. The house is light blue and white. I don't know where I am, or who any of these people are.
Everyone's faces are blurry.
A tiny little orange kitten runs out from under the porch, he has a red bandana on, and I
I get down on my knees and look at the kitten peaking her little face out.
I crawl under the porch, my hands and legs are covered in dirt the kitten seems excited that I'm giving her attention. I sit indian style with her as she climbs in my lap, kneading, and falls asleep.

The dream flashes to some garage, full of diet cola bottles. I kind of just peak in, curiously. I turn and my mom is there, I'm so happy and relieved to see her. Finally, someone I know.
The garage closes, and a man comes walking from the front of the house he offers my mom a drink. He offers her a cola, she says 'as long as it's not diet' and giggles. The man says 'maybe you should try it by the looks of ya'... indicating an insult to my mom's weight.
I feel livid. I want to strangle him, but he looks big, and mean. My mom's face is shaded, dark grey, she is sad.
I hug her but she disappears.

I'm out on a road, fields on either side. Dead looking trees on either side, no signs of life, the grass even looks dark, it's overcast out. I am walking I feel lost.
The road ends and there's just this dark slimey liquid.
Muddy, murky... sludgey, I have no idea what it is, almost thick like tar.
I get on my knees and look into it. I reach my hand in, like I'm going to pull something out?
I'm feeling around, Then I feel someone grab my hand.

They touch kind of examining with their fingers. I am breathing heavy, almost dry heaving, I feel sick to my stomach. I go to reach my hand back up because I'm feeling so... ill.
The hand grabs my hand, I feel scared as it pulls me in.
The sludge is no longer murky disgusting sludge, but water.
I am thankful for this, I can at least see. I am looking at a man I often have dreamt of, but I don't know him in waking life, he is only familiar to me through my dreams.

The water is making my hair wrap around me, he moves my hair from my face.
I stare into his eyes, they are bright green like mine, he takes my hands, I realize although we are in the water, we can breathe as though we weren't. I look up above to the water above me, where the sun is shining in, is wavy rays. He tells me that I' shouldn't be searching' for him, because 'that's not how fate works', we laugh. He puts his hand to my face and touches my third eye, I close my eyes and when I open them I'm in a clearing in the woods.
I laugh to myself, I know this place. I have dreamt of it before, (he is the same man that wouldn't let me see him before when I met him here in a dream I had a few months ago, he was just hiding in shadows previously)

I start walking toward a bridge I see.
I'm stopped by a young boy. I don't know him, he tells me to not leave him.
I reach down to take his hand, he digs his fingernails into my hand, he is hurting me.
My hand is bleeding, I look at him and his eyes are angry, full of hurt, they go from a light blue to dark grey, he pulls me to my knees, and he turns into a young man, he laughs at my pain.
He asks me if I'm happy now? Have I found what I'm looking for? He kicks dirt at me.
I get that sick feeling in my stomach again. I look him in the face as he stands above me, he has a giant happy smile, with sharp teeth.
I crawl to the bridge, but he keeps grabbing me dragging me back.
I feel a dark low, almost vibrating bass feeling drape over me almost like something else is trying to protect me from this young guy. I black out to wake up.

I run to the bathroom and throw up.

Every single time I whispered' I love you' before I fell asleep.
Is replaced with 'I'm sorry'

Full Moon: Intention (April 28)

I release my fear to move forward.

Dream: "Not Yet"

I'm out in a large open field, I remember seeing pussy willows and the rest was a golden yellow and bright beautiful fresh green. I'm wearing a brown dress, it's warm, I am crouching, I'm watching for something, but I can tell what it is.
I have a knife in my hand, and I'm 'hunting' (in waking life I do not eat meat or seafood etc).
There is a flash in the sky, heat lightening I think? Suddenly I'm stalking a guy, I can't see who he is, he is wearing a long peacoat with a hood and not facing my direction. I'm about 8 ft away I'd estimate. He starts walking backwards toward me, but it's very slow seeming. He gets about 4 ft away and turns so he facing me, he doesn't look at me though, but I see the light reflect off my knife onto his face.
I stand up, I feel weird, almost like I have motion sickness. We stare each other down, I'm holding my knife so tight my hand aches. I feel he is as scared as I am.
He says "Not yet" and I wake up feeling empty and lonely

Dream: "Ever"

I was driving a small blue car (in waking life I do not drive) it was night time, and there were white christmas lights on the tree, for decorations, they were illuminating the road in front of me, it was really lovely. My male ( I do not knoew, but did in my dream) was in the passenger seat. We pull into a drive way, it's one of the kind where it's shaped like a 'U' to leave, and surrounding it were those trees that look like mini pink willow trees. Everything smelled sweet like summer, cherry blossoms, and fresh cut grass.

I get out of the car, I'm extremely excited and know this is my 'home' in the dream. We walk inside and it's 'our house' not just mine. I run into the hall, and open a door quietly. The room has a dim set of christmas lights hanging from the wall, and on the wall is painted beautifully purple and pink clouds at sunset, I know in the dream that I painted this. The room smells like fresh cut lilacs.

In the center by the window is a crib, with a tiny little girl. She is standing, holding the side.
She has a huge grin on her face, her mouth is tiny and pink, and she has long beautiful eyelashes and bright blue happy eyes. Her hair is so soft, and darkish blonde, she reaches up and I know she our daughter. (I dream about a daughter a lot, I assume this represents a repressed child self, possibly?)
She reaches to him, though I'm holding her and makes a fist then lays her hand on his and says 'Ever'.

Everything is kind of choppy for a second, then I walk into the other room with her, the light is off, and there is a really big fish aquarium, it's light is on, making everything in the room, kind of blue.
Everything is calm. My 'daughter' points at the kitten that run into the room and she squeals excitedly 'Meeeeee-ow!!!"

Spring has Sprung. I've been born for the 23rd time.

I'm fully aware that nothing is as they seem, being so, I wish more people would put that in consideration when giving other people advice on how to live their lives, and what pace they should be living at.

I like to believe at 23, my life is not even one 4th over yet.
I have years to decide if the things I choose are indecisions... or choices that have increased my chances in being successful in the things that I strive for.

I'm not looking for love, peace, wealth. I'm looking for answers.
I'm on a mission.... and no one will be conducting this orchestrial catastrophe but me.

New Moon: Intention ( April 14th)

I am more intune to soul's need.

Dream: Burn, Drown, Run Free

Dream from two nights ago, I'm walking my hands are tied in front of me, I look over to my side. I'm with two other girls and my mom. We all have our hands tied in front of us, we look like we've been beat, messed up hair, legs are covered in bruises, blood. I'm wearing a dingy off white dress. It looks like it would've been a lovely summer dress but it's tattered, and covered in filth. My eyes sting from smoke.

I look over to my mom (my real mother in waking life is Yvee W) she is strong willed, and her eyes look forward, she looks over at me, and suddenly her eyes fill with tears. A man grabs her from me and drags her to a stake, to burn her they tie her up and make us three girls watch. My mother stares at me, I feel her giving me her strength, and letting go of this world. I hear someone yell that we are witches. The other girls are sobbing in fear, but my mother gave my her strength, I feel it's not a time to cry.

I look over and see a guy, my age, possibly a bit older staring at me, he has very bright greenish-blue eyes, he is wearing a dark robe and takes his hood off so that I can see him. The two girls and I are walked, more like dragged to the water's edge.
I feel these girls are my sisters, and I'm the youngest. I look at the water, it's black, and doesn't look like water. A man pushes my "sisters" in, they can't swim and are drowning, bobbing up and down gasping, they were still tied.
They turn into young girls and dissolve into the water.

They guy in the dark robe comes to me, he grasps my face and kisses me on the mouth. He has been my lover I feel. I kiss him back. I feel done, with all of this. He cuts the ropes off my hands, I see relief in his eyes. My eyes finally well up with tears, he lets go of my hands, and I know to run, as fast as I can. I am runing, but it is in slow motion, I feel my feet hitting the grass.

I turn back as I'm still running, I'm yards away. I see the man in the robe still staring at me and people rushing to him, they are going to kill him as well. He mouths to me something that I can't see, and closes his eyes, he disappears as though he were never there.

I'm running to my 'home' in the woods. I turn into a bird, I can't tell what kind of bird though. I still feel like I'm running, just through the trees, I go into a tree, and down the bottom, like a hidden compartment. I hop (bird still) into the entrance. There is a young girl, possibly 7 or 8. She has very long reddish hair and no clothes. (she looks like my waking-life mother when she was young) She picks me up I feel like she IS my mother, and I turn into a little grey and white rabbit. She kisses me on the forehead, I feel very safe, and happy, and new. We curl up in our tree-cubbyhole and fall asleep.

Overflowing.

Dream: Mirror Girl

I'm sitting outside it's dark out, the kind of dark where the sky looks like dark denim and it's dazzled by glitter for the stars. I'm smiling, I have a rosary in one hand (in waking life I have never been in a household with religion growing up, but have a fascination with religious paraphenalia) and I have a purple candle in the other hand, the wick is lit, and the wax is dripping down my hand, down my wrist, but I'm not concerned. I'm lying in the grass and put the candle and rosary down on a flat stone next to me. I see a girl (my age, maybe a few years older) standing in a clearing near the edge of the woods. I stand up and walk toward her, she crouches down, she's wearing a mirror around her neck, and nothing else it's getting light out, and I can see the reflection of the sun in the mirror behind me. I put my hand out to her to let her know she doesn't need to be afraid of me. She has dark hair, it's half up, half down, she has little silver ornaments in it, she has eyes like mine, but her face is more cat-like.
She stands up, closes her eyes puts her face to the sky and grasps my wrists.
Without words she tells me to look into the mirror. I do. My hair is wavy, long, red and blonde, my eyes are done up with really pretty make and I have a green painted line under my eyes and over the bridge of my nose and a long dark blue cloak on. She takes my hands and puts them palm up. in one hand she puts a little yellow crystal, possibly Topaz? and in the other hand she puts a cup of water and tells me to drink it.
I do, she nods. She talks, but I can't really hear her, it's more like her words go right into my mind instead.
"You're preparing, You are going to have to keep up. I'm here because you called to me" She smiles, and touches my face, then takes one of the silver ornaments from her hair and clips in to my hair. The sun is casting shadows all over and peering through the trees, she says "Follow" and starts running I follow her, we are quick, and on a mission...

Dream: Stop the car!

It's early, the sun is rising and the sky is painted by the sun. I'm admiring how the orange compliments the bright green grass. I'm excited Spring has sprung.
I'm sitting in the grass, it's moist and dewey when I breathe a faint cloud forms.
I look down and my hands look like I've dipped them in green paint.
I stand up everywhere the grass touched is covered in green paint. I laugh and shrug it off. I'm walking on a long road, I have no idea where I am, but I don't feel confused or lost. I feel quite content.
A car is coming from behind me, they drive by me really slow, I look in the window it's a man, I don't know him. He stops the car and shouts for me to get in he needs to take me some place safe.
He says it's going to start raining. I get in.
In the backseat is a little blonde girl, with wavy hair and bright big happy eyes she gets antsy and wiggles about in her seat and says, "Why were you outside Mommy? Don't you want to be home with us?" I look over at the man driving. He has a wedding ring on. I look at my hand and it's the same ring that I'm wearing.
I think to myself I'm married? Why don't I know my own husband....
I crawl over the seat to get in the back with my 'daughter' she is playing cat's cradle with rainbow colors of string, I pull the strings how she tells me to.
She asks me "Why do you always walk?"
I just kind of laugh, I feel like I love her a lot, I hug her and she lays her head on my lap. I play with her hair.
The man driving starts to drive off a bank into a lake. (I have had this type of dream before, countless amounts of times)
I close my eyes for a moment and collect my thoughts, I know it'll be fast, I know I have to BE fast. I hurry and unhook my daughter's seatbelt, she's sleeping, I didn't ever fasten mine.
I tell my 'husband' please stop the car, please don't do this again.
He is silent and into the water he drives, it's almost in slow motion.
I am holding her so tight I can't open the door yet, something stops me, I feel myself crying.
But I have to be strong for her, I don't know how to swim. But I will swim to keep her alive.
She is my heart. I kick the door open, the water swallows us, I hold my breath and push off the car, the sun is bright and bubbles are escaping my nose, I push her to the surface, she's awake I hear her "Mommy come up now! Hurry " I feel weak, she's swimming to the shore, I can't breathe, I keep losing myself and letting myself go under, I know she's safe.
That's all that mattered.

I wake up, gasping.

He came back one day, and told me stories that I now Dream of...

Someday we'll only be able to meet in dreams.

Just woke up, but It's not a Dream... You're still Here.

Dream: Lost Easter Goods

Dreamed that I was in a car, back seat drivers side, my mom was driving (though in Waking life she doesn't) and in the passenger side was a girl, whom I knew in the dream, but I'm not sure who she was, she had short hair and was talking to my mom.
I leaned on the door and it swung up. I hurried and closed it, I pushed it very lightly and it swung open again. I told my mom the car door was broken, she says "Make sure you have your seatbelt on!" I do. I realize by looking at my clothes that I'm little, about 7 maybe. I look down at my shoes, pink high tops.
We stop and are at a building I zip out of the car excitedly, then jump back in a grab an easter basket. I run into the building and through the front door like it's a race.
I look out the window and it's night time, for some reason no one followed me upstairs. I keep peaking down the hallway to see if I'll see a shadow coming up.
I finally do, I hurry and close the door and lock it.
I fill myself with anticipation,then fear (in waking life I used to do that a lot when I was young) I hurry to the bedroom, which is not mine, it's a cluttered mess, I jump under a blanket and hide under the bed behind a laundry basket that is overflowing with clothes.
I hear the door being unlocked, jingling, clicking, I'm getting all restless.
I hear someone walk in, I hope it's my mom, I hope it's my mom, I hope it's my mom.
She turns on the light.
Unenthused she goes, you're under the bed. I climb out, anticipation unsatisated I walk to the window and look down at the street, I think, I miss my mom, though she just went into the other room,
Suddenly I'm outside, 23 year old me again. I'm cleaning out the backseat, looking for something that fell out of my easter basket (that little kid me had) I realized the easter basket was the basket I was making for my boyfriend, and it's missing something.
I can't find it in the car, so I take a walk to a pool. There's no one there really (in waking life I can't even swim).
I put my finger in the water, it doesn't smell like chemicals.
A bunch of people start showing up, thanking me for inviting them. I nod and walk back home.
I'm at the apartment I live in and my boyfriend is at the table reading a magazine, he looks up and smiles.
I smile back, disappointed that little kid me lost a present I was going to give him.
I set the basket on the table for him, it's a pale green basket it looks like I hand-made it, no easter grass, paint supplies (in waking life he is an artist) and chocolates, and a note I've written.
I tell him how little kid me lost something in it. And he goes I'm sure she'll find it later. Smiles and Kisses me.
and I woke up

Light as Life.

Heavy as your soul.

Spring Equinox

She said, smiling, "I am Ageless, Forget everything you've known" Her green eyes gleaming in the sun. She was the Spring Equinox. The smell of Rain. The Life you thought you had been living... Until Now.

Dream- Two Fawn

Another dream. I was sitting in what I knew was my bedroom (though it wasn't the bedroom of my waking life) It was a large room, high ceilings, wooden floors, large windows, and lots of light.
I was sitting on the floor indian style, I was wearing just a pair of red pants, my hair was long (which I always end up cutting it when it gets to my shoulders, but in my dreams it's usually almost to my navel.) was staring out the window at the sky, the clouds were moving by extremely quickly, the sky was almost more like liquid, the images were forming words, but I can't remember what any of them were. I stood up and turned around, I walked into another room and went to a coinciding room that had sliding glass doors to go outside, I remember the walls were all white, with black trim and the floors were oak. The doorways were all arched, and there were no curtains or blinds, just open windows.
I opened the sliding glass door, and suddenly two little fawns walked into my house. I lead them to the kitchen and offered them water and blankets, they looked happy, and I showed them their room. It was painted light blue, and had clouds painted on the walls, but the clouds looked like they moved,
I felt my boyfriend had painted the room.
I leaned down to kiss the little fawns good night as they nestled on the floor in blankets together.
The one looked up all bleary eyed and said "Thanks Mom" but his words were backwards sounding in my dream, though my mind could interpret it just fine.
I went back into my bedroom, one of the fawns called to me asking me for a cup of water.
When I brought them the cup of water, I brought three for some reason, and instead of two little fawns, there were now a little boy with brown curls, and a little blonde girl. They were naked and smiling. I felt they were my children (besides the one calling me mom) I looked down at my stomach, and I was pregnant.

Dream: Deer Language

I dreamt I was walking through an airport, no people in sight, just garbage scattered all over, at first everything looked trashed, but upon closer inspection, the garbage was also forming the blades on the planes, the window paines, everything seemed made of cardboard and cereal boxes.... I walked behind the terminal aimlessly.
Wondering why I was at the airport... wondering where everyone was?
I walked behind the building and suddenly I was near a nice stream, relieved to see nature I waked into the grass, it was mucky, like it had just rained but I didn't mind.
I started walking along a small stone wall above the stream, the trees were getting fuller as I walked further.
the sun came out, and I knew where I was.
A small deer stepped out from behind a tree. it was young, too young to tell if it were a boy, or a girl because it had no antlers yet.
It startled me by speaking ( I have Never had a dream where an animal spoke to me before).
It took a couple steps closer to me, and said "We've learned to transform, so we could evolve and keep hold of what we are inside"
Suddenly the Deer turned into a young man (early 20's maybe). He had dark messy hair and no clothing. He reached a hand out to me and I reached back and his hand was warm, and soothing.
He goes to me "After all this time, I could still tell it was you, but your hair is different"

and I woke up giggling.

Dream: Searching what is Stalking

I was walking through a forest again, I had a lantern in one hand as
though I was searching, I evidently planned on searching beyond night
fall.

It reached dusk, I turned my lantern on a dim setting where I would
still see my surroundings, not just the path in front of me.

I was startled by a male figure standing me a tree with a giant smile on
his face, chesire cat like. He snickered, he was almost.... half human
half impish, he was handsome though. I felt irritated, like he was sent
to stand in my way.

He reached out and flicked my hair, just gleaming his giant smile. I
felt like I had done this before, and kept walking. It seemed as though
he almost gave up his mission when I got to a fallen tree. Instead he
just stood behind me, almost.... a bit scared maybe. A dark figure came looming toward me, it was a male and he was quite a
bit taller than me. He reached a hand out to me, but I refused to take
it. I felt bitter, angry at him.... betrayed possibly. He whispered, and the trees carried his words to my ears in vibrations.

He apologized that it "took him so long to find me". He has "been searching for life times, just to be this close". I felt his breath on my neck and then on my mouth as though he were
trying to kiss me. I stood as though I were stone, staring him down. He
wasn't close enough for me to see his face, he stood in shadows on
purpose.

I feel either he wasn't ready to show himself to me entirely, or he knew
I wasn't ready to see him yet.... I woke up feeling as though I hadn't slept in days.

Dream: Aquarium Artist

I was dreaming I was walking through water, almost as though I were in aquarium, but the fish were floating around me, there were vivd colored jelly fish surrounding me and I was just walking nonchalantly.
I was holding a notebook and a charcoal , and sat in the middle to draw.
While drawing the charcoal didn't come out black/grey, it came out all the colors I was thinking.
Pinks and greens with neon yellows.
I would've thought I'd have drawn jelly fish? No.
I drew a girl with long blonde wispy hair she had a baby bird in one hand a necklace in the other. On the necklace were teeth stringed to it and really pretty glass blue beads.
I put the paper down and stood up and kept walking about 10 steps through the aquarium/room and turned around to face the paper.
I opened my hand and there was scraps of paper I had nervously pulled off the edge of the notebook. I blew them like confetti.
and the pages of the notebook started turning. So I blew again to see if that' what did it, and it happened again. I laughed to myself.
I looked down and had smudges of the charcoal all over my legs, I went to wipe it off, but it just smeared.
I looked closer and the smears were spiral designed, and changing colors.
I went touch the spirals again curiously, to see if they would go on my hands but woke up

Dream: Mind Galaxy

I dreamt that I was in a light filled room, a friend of mine whom I've recently been helping through a rough patch was sitting in a chair in front of me, I am pretty sure I was helping him clear his Chakras. I had my hands run over the energy he was omitting almost as though I were trying to remove any negativity. He felt like the color orange. I felt like the color blue.
I opened the blinds and light spilled in so quickly, the window looked like a door, I reached for the doorknob and heard a woman say "Ree" ( I go by Saree, I get called that very rarely) I opened the door and stepped in, it looked like I had stepped into the galaxy, the "room" was several shades of blues, purples with orbs of green flitting around, no floor. I couldnt see the woman, I could only feel her. She told me I respond to "Ree" because in my other life she called me "Reeni" and my name back then was "Irene". She took my arms and lifted them in a palm up position, almost standing as a totem, she ran her hands over my face and touched my forehead. She told me, "You were the Tower then, but now You're the Light that comes from within it." and put her other hand on my Heart. And I woke up

They tell you to just wait it out....

he'll burn as brightly at me and fill me with light when he comes