Your over analytical underestimating of me is exactly how I like things to run on course. Because when I'm under the radar it won't hurt you as much when push comes to shove, and you're too close to the edge.
Knives. You want to play? Though you're afraid to bleed. Cut as deep, but you'll never feel. Dance, it's manic. Time's up, you're watch was wrong.
Tower. And the lights turn on.

-Saree

Something isn't aligned right, the shift wasn't as precise as it needed to be. Now I'm laying on a shooting star with a number 9 instead of making wishes. I'm on the wrong side of the galaxy. Should I be glad I'm no where near where I started? Or terrified that I can no longer see the horizon.

Truths should be told- random chapters.

I have so many of these to add from the book, I'll someday finish.

There was a mystery I failed to investigate, instead I looked over it, for twenty two years.
I remember before and and after; I remember the dreams that have consumed me for years where I wake in panic where I've drown myself, where I am drowning, where I dream that I'm with friends that are driving and they drive into water and I can't get out of the vehicle.
I can't decipher still what is dream and what is memory because it's so vivid.
My mind keeps great detail, and the way I felt.

I stood in my kitchen and she asked me if I remembered when she tried to drown me.
Right then I watched her drowning, the look in her eyes, and the pleading, that forgiveness even Jesus could not give her, but only I could, so that she could forgive herself.
I spiraled back in my own mind.
Like a broken kaleidoscope all my colorful pieces fell back onto the floor, bouncing, breaking. Watching instead of catching the images in your hand, because they're so small they'll cut, like a tiny girl's hands in the bathtub.
Like blinding bubbles and shimmering light where Jesus happened to save me first.
In my hypocritical resentment, I melted it away and felt at peace.
"No." I replied; with partial disbelief in myself.
With complete disbelief in my current state of my mind.
Thoughts streamed through my mind for days after.

I feel baptized in my knowledge, I forgive you, because I feel it, not because I have to.

It's old folklore that witches never learn to swim.

Pull me in each direction

captivity desk notes

I was walking through a tunnel underneath a bank.
There were large aquariums where they were hiding mermaids.
I was upset because the mermaids had their children with them ad they were begging to go home.
I remember a little girl mermaid with light pink hair asking me if she knew when she could go home. I shook my head no...

I walked upstairs and sat at a desk looking out a window.
There was a field, it was sunny. I stood up and closed the blinds, I couldn't stop thinking about how we were all stuck in captivity.
My friend left a note on my desk. I couldn't make out what it said though.

Full moon in Libra- April 19th

Moon in Libra, Bring the scales down. I felt your shift, I left your tomb.
Like a fragile flower I am in Bloom.
I have dug my way through the suffocating permafrost casket.
The moist soil, my fresh green eyes. I'm stronger than I knew, and I'm not alone in this field. I'm not alone in this rebirth. I am not alone.
I hear them calling.

-Saree Nyx

Happy first birthday...

"I will give you sanctuary in these hips of Thanatos."

The mother's soft lullaby prelude to tearing the hatred and darkness from her colorful womb. Swan songs, for you would've been born in these coming weeks.
The most beautiful collapse, and a hemorrhage like the oceans sent out tidal waves to carry me out to you. Happy first birthday to the boats that carried me to hell to search for you. You are my flame. I'm sorry precious cargo. I will continue to search.
-Love your someday Mother.
Saree Anne.

Thanatos, Son of Nyx.
Peaceful Death via Night.

dream: box tunnels david

I dreamt that I was walking through a city but I was watching myself from overhead.
I was walking into a box, there were tunnels, like a mouse, but when I was through 1st person it was dark, and flashing images of things I couldn't see very well.
I felt weird.
I looked out a window and saw David, he was hanging upside down and laughing.
I opened the window and yelled at him to not be wreckless, and he shouted back maybe you should try it instead of always worrying.
It made me cry. I felt dumb, he was right.
he came inside and hugged me, i missed him so much it hurt, i wanted to throw up.
I haven't talked to him in three months.

Dream: school balloons, I'm a monster.

I was at work and went into a back room, there were hundreds of live chickens that were missing their feathers, they were fighting. I was so upset I started running but was on a conveyor belt.
Some one was laying on the ground saying they were too hot.
Suddenly I'm walking down the street it's sunny, I'm walking Stacy to school...
We're at an apartment that I live in instead apparently she brought me balloons that say "good job" and "#1" I don't know what they're for.
I'm alone and walk into my room and put my food from the day down on the shelf,
a little blonde girl starts eating it like she hasn't eaten it days I start screaming at her to get off my stuff and I pull her hair for some reason which makes her cry, so I cry and hold her.
She's wearing purple with yellow flowers.

When I wake up I can't stop crying.
Why did I do that in my dream? She was so hungry and I was horrible.

I want to kill myself.

Dream- Carve your path

I had a dream that I was a young native american boy, maybe about 9.
I had wavy black and green eyes and was being chastised because I wasn't dark eyed like the others. I cried on the stairs and a young girl came and sat next to me, she had a light blue dress on, and was american and fair skinned.
She took my hand and led me through several rooms in a house. She showed me my reflection in a mirror.
It started me. I had war paint on my chest, it was blue and orange.
And white on my face. She put her hands to my face and turned into an elderly woman.
She said to me, "you see who we really are, you are not afraid of our inner souls, you SEE them" and she put her hands over my eyes and showed me the mirror again, my eyes were brown, I touched my face, everything was black and white, no color.
She put her hands over my eyes again, and everything was back to how I see it, but there were more people in the room around me.
She said "Things are not black and white, and your power has been earned, you speak to the elders, the father & his son, and the grandmother moon, not all can hear each voice, and they can only follow the ones in which they hear. Do not follow. Carve your path"

I woke up and I was bawling and couldn't stop crying.