Where ever in our wayward travels, does the sun glisten in my eyes,
Sparkle forward, and if you listen as the cinders die.
We've cast forth our spells of moonlight on the oceans waves.
We wait until we're whole again, full again, til 'our' heart behaves.
We are a singular entity, pulled apart, question identity.
Peel away our layers and break down all our walls.
We set out to where the summer breeze calls.
It may be a long travel to where we are going,
But in the end we'll know that's where we belong.
Into misty clouds that block our vision, then we'll see it crystal clear.
We'll hum to our selves, melodies that create our song.
We feel it in our hearts, we see it in our dreams,
the transcendence of our prismatic souls is near.
We'll feel the warmth of all of those we've loved, creating fire, guiding light.
The soothe us in the darkest night.
I feel I've lost you once before.
I see a vision, glimpses, pieces, something more.
Where our hands are held, to the sky
and I make you a promise, that I love you,
I'll cast reflection on the walls in caves...
until we're whole again...
full again...
til 'our' heart behaves.

may 2010

Saree A. McClaran

Full Moon: Release (May 28th)

I Release Walls I Built.

I know that this process is going to be intense, and I'm ready. I've been preparing for quite a while; some of the walls I put up, put me further away from things I needed in my life than I realized until recently.
Looking back but moving forward isn't how I want to live forever. I want to release all the walls that I thought would help heal my heart, but it just tore me further from myself.

We build walls because we've been hurt. We want people to help up tear them down when we're ready again, but how can we ever know that we are ready if we are wearing blinders? We as human beings are full of emotion, and love.
Why would we block those??

So.... me and my paintbrush are tearing down all these walls tonight.

and it's started.

Dream: "Night Room"

I dreamt I was walking through this house in buffalo called "the Birdhouse (it's where a bunch of punk kids live and they put on shows and stuff) well, one of my friend was standing on the stairs and he goes to me, "Hey Dale is looking for you! He is in the night room" so I start going up the stairs, I don't know which room is 'the night room' so I start opening doors, each time people pull me in smiling and talking trying to distract me.
Then I remember I am looking for Dale, and start going to the stairs again. I finally reach the room he is in, I open the door and it looks like the ceiling has been removed so it's just the night sky, All the stars are vibrant and the moon is full and bright. Dale is sitting just staring at the moon, he doesn't even look at me, or seem to notice I am here.
I sit down next to him, I look at his face and realize how much I miss him in real life because I havent seen him n probably two years. I stare up at the moon with him, and the air smells fresh and beautiful. He reaches over and holds my hand.
We look at each other and he looks confused, almost in disbelief he says "You came back!?"

and I wake up crying again...

Update: August 2012, after I had this dream I went through quite a bit of people to finally get a hold of Dale. He laughed off my dream and told me he was fine and that he loved me and how "weird I was about my dreams" He reminded me of how our friend Brandon passed away and how I had a dream about it a few weeks before that. It made me feel worse, I sort of went a bit crazy after Brandon passed away and did a lot of acid to try to remove myself from my reality, instead it helped me see things clearer. We talked about this, he admitted he was depressed.
The last time I talked to him was the day I had Rory (April 27 2012), he texted me that he heard I had my son and he was happy for me because I will be a great mom.

This month Dale is in a coma. he was in a motorcycle accident I don't know a lot of details, but felt I needed to put my thoughts down here about it. Fuck.

Dream: Seedlings

I haven't been dreaming as often it seems... but this one I had on thursday.

There are a group of women standing in a circle, we are joining hands, there are 11 of us. I have my eyes closed and I feel a low humming as we meditate together, my friend Jackie is on one side of me, and my mom is on the other side.
I feel someone watching, they don't feel familiar here. I open my eyes a woman is there standing a few feet from us, she has dark hair, it's very messy and her eyes have dark circles under them. I remove myself from the circle to walk toward her, the other women in my circle look up, but continue.

I walk toward her and she stares at me, I know her through my dreams.
She tells me without speaking she 'needs me help', and she' has come early because she knew I'd be following the trees have given me soon so I could finally continue'.
I take her hand and she and I enter the circle of the ten other women, they surround us. The women all hum a song so beautiful my eyes tear up. I hold the girls hands and watch her eyes go from a murky color to a light color, blue or green. Her hair is shimmering like rainbows and there is light surrounding us.
I start coughing and drop to my knees. I am saying something but it's coming out sounding backwards, or a language I myself don't even understand.
She joins hands with the 10 woman and I'm still in the middle coughing up chunks of dirt into my hands. The women all stop and take me to a small well to get me water.

A woman hands me a glass of water the water is a see through violet or purple color. I feel normal and see I'm still clutching dirt I had coughed out. I look at it and it has 2 small seedlings growing, The girl I helped is smiling, she has beautiful flowing reddish hair now and bright beautiful eyes, she walks toward me and sits on her knees in front of me, she tells me these seedlings will someday be my children, and I will name one of them after the Light, and one of them after the Dark.

When I wake up my boyfriend is staring at me, he tells me I was talking in my sleep but none of it was making any sense. Also, my mouth is very dry, and I'm VERY thirsty when I wake up.

Dreams: Fish tank/ Crucifix

I keep having what I'd call series of smaller dreams, which seem to only last a few minutes, and just transition into eachother but don't flow into eachother. Not typical to the way I regularly dream, they are choppy and harder to keep track of for me personally.
I've also been told I've been talking in my sleep again, and sometimes wake up, and I'm already sitting up, and I feel as though I'm being 'stared at' or even 'watched' I can't explain.

I'm walking through a house with a bag of groceries in my arms, I'm waiting for my mom to come home (in waking life I do not live with my mom) I'm standing in my kitchen and I'm startled by a man, I do not know him, he is older he is standing in the doorway behind me, at first I just feel him staring at me, so I turn around.
Suddenly I'm walking to my bathroom my mom's cat Colby is sitting on a shelf I have, and my fishtank is on a shelf where my bathroom mirror is, my fish (Truffle, a 3 year old Black Moor) is covered in a thick slime coat, I start freaking out because she is sick and I put my hand in her tank and swish water around in the bottom for some reason.
A guy comes in, he grabs me from behind, I can't see him but he pulls me away from my fishtank, and pulls me to the floor, I feel hysterical (in waking life I feel like she is my daughter because I've had her for three years and love her a lot).

I wake up for a brief moment ( I think) because I remember light coming in from my bedroom window, I start dreaming I am at my grandmother's house, I'm in her room, and I'm wearing grey cableknit tights and a blue empire dress, a boy I used to see back when I was in my teens but no longer associate at all comes in. He grabs me and forces me to have sex with him. I feel blank and just stare at the crucifixes on the wall.
When he's done I lay on a pile of clothes and fall into a hole underneath them.

I wake up, and my boyfriend is staring out the window,
I can't talk though I feel my tongue is heavy.
I try to sit up but my body is also very heavy.
I close my eyes, for what I think is a moment, but when I wake up he isn't in the room anymore.

but he tells me I was talking in my sleep, but it wasn't really making much sense and he didn't want to talk about it.....

Dream: Dear Self....

Everything is dark, I can't tell if I'm inside, or outside or even what I'm walking on.
Suddenly I feel someone touch my shoulder from the back, it scares me so much I let out a gasp. But I don't turn around yet. I feel an energy seeping into me, like the color yellow more like gold flowing into my blood, I feel like how glitter looks when you throw it in the air.
I feel myself smile, and I giggle.

Suddenly everything around me is illuminated by a shining blue color. So you can only see the outlines of things. I turn around quickly, but no one is there. I look down and there's a small key. I pick it up. It's made out of wood I put it in my pocket and walk toward a large stage. I walk up the stairs and look back, I'm in an theater, one where you would watch plays. The seats are empty except one. There is the guy I dream of often (the one I refer to as my guide, and Mary has said is my Action). I can only see the green glow of his eyes, but I can feel that it's him. He looks like his head is turned slightly, it's still extremely dark with just the light blue casting shadows. I feel almost embarassed, like he can see me just fine, but I'm struggling to see him.

I hear rustling behind a curtain. A girl comes out. She is Me. She bumps into me, like she can't see me, but it doesn't phase her, she walks through me.... literally. I can feel it, it's the same goldish/yellow color again. She hurries down the stairs and walks toward the guy in the seats. He stands up and reaches his hands out. I can see them now, it's not dark anymore. I watch from the stage, they are standing between rows of seats. She reaches in her pocket but it looks like she's lost something she was going to give him.
I remember the key I picked up. Was it me? who dropped the key? when I touched myself???
I walk down the stairs, hesitating... I feel like a third wheel here, lol.

I am right next to them but the girl who... is me can't see me. But he can... he watches me.
I can't give her the key to give him, because she doesn't see me....
I try to put the key in her pocket but it falls on the floor.
So.... I copy 'myself' and touch "my" shoulder.

And then I wake up, I realize I'm crying in waking life.

New Moon: Intention (May 13th)

I am Creative.
I am an Artist.

Something in me Just Woke.

why I used to be, the way I was.
And I miss that  feeling more than anything.
I miss the way the sun rises in Maryland,
and for some reason it just looks so much better there, rather than in this dying town.

Dream: Future meets the Present

I'm outside in someone's backyard,
There's a bunch of people talking to eachother, I remember in my dream feeling too hot.
I end up wandering away from everyone and sitting on a porch. The house is light blue and white. I don't know where I am, or who any of these people are.
Everyone's faces are blurry.
A tiny little orange kitten runs out from under the porch, he has a red bandana on, and I
I get down on my knees and look at the kitten peaking her little face out.
I crawl under the porch, my hands and legs are covered in dirt the kitten seems excited that I'm giving her attention. I sit indian style with her as she climbs in my lap, kneading, and falls asleep.

The dream flashes to some garage, full of diet cola bottles. I kind of just peak in, curiously. I turn and my mom is there, I'm so happy and relieved to see her. Finally, someone I know.
The garage closes, and a man comes walking from the front of the house he offers my mom a drink. He offers her a cola, she says 'as long as it's not diet' and giggles. The man says 'maybe you should try it by the looks of ya'... indicating an insult to my mom's weight.
I feel livid. I want to strangle him, but he looks big, and mean. My mom's face is shaded, dark grey, she is sad.
I hug her but she disappears.

I'm out on a road, fields on either side. Dead looking trees on either side, no signs of life, the grass even looks dark, it's overcast out. I am walking I feel lost.
The road ends and there's just this dark slimey liquid.
Muddy, murky... sludgey, I have no idea what it is, almost thick like tar.
I get on my knees and look into it. I reach my hand in, like I'm going to pull something out?
I'm feeling around, Then I feel someone grab my hand.

They touch kind of examining with their fingers. I am breathing heavy, almost dry heaving, I feel sick to my stomach. I go to reach my hand back up because I'm feeling so... ill.
The hand grabs my hand, I feel scared as it pulls me in.
The sludge is no longer murky disgusting sludge, but water.
I am thankful for this, I can at least see. I am looking at a man I often have dreamt of, but I don't know him in waking life, he is only familiar to me through my dreams.

The water is making my hair wrap around me, he moves my hair from my face.
I stare into his eyes, they are bright green like mine, he takes my hands, I realize although we are in the water, we can breathe as though we weren't. I look up above to the water above me, where the sun is shining in, is wavy rays. He tells me that I' shouldn't be searching' for him, because 'that's not how fate works', we laugh. He puts his hand to my face and touches my third eye, I close my eyes and when I open them I'm in a clearing in the woods.
I laugh to myself, I know this place. I have dreamt of it before, (he is the same man that wouldn't let me see him before when I met him here in a dream I had a few months ago, he was just hiding in shadows previously)

I start walking toward a bridge I see.
I'm stopped by a young boy. I don't know him, he tells me to not leave him.
I reach down to take his hand, he digs his fingernails into my hand, he is hurting me.
My hand is bleeding, I look at him and his eyes are angry, full of hurt, they go from a light blue to dark grey, he pulls me to my knees, and he turns into a young man, he laughs at my pain.
He asks me if I'm happy now? Have I found what I'm looking for? He kicks dirt at me.
I get that sick feeling in my stomach again. I look him in the face as he stands above me, he has a giant happy smile, with sharp teeth.
I crawl to the bridge, but he keeps grabbing me dragging me back.
I feel a dark low, almost vibrating bass feeling drape over me almost like something else is trying to protect me from this young guy. I black out to wake up.

I run to the bathroom and throw up.