Sea Gazer

You've slipped in and under the darkest words.
The strong sense of need, seething from novelty.
The realization that it was an act, and you were set up.
The rough, sharp texture of cemented dust in the crawl space you've escaped through.
The bleeding of your fingertips as you clawed through ice just to reach a sense of being real.
Profound. Finding.
When the water solidified into ice rushing through your lungs.
And your eyes froze open to watch the waves tearing flesh from your body.

Wake up.
Please! Wake. up.

We meet again, Sleep Paralysis, and she creeps into the shadows of my room.
Crawling on me like a cat, Not to wake a soul, but to Awaken.
Singing her tune, through the dust in the night light.
The terror of her icy hands running along my face and the stinging as they've reached into my soft mushy sleeping brain.
Sea foam.

Eyes open. Surface. Gasp.
Retrograde.
You can not fathom.



-Saree McClaran
Dec 2012.

The space between us may be vast, a blend of darkened hues. You're so shiny on the outside but hollow in, like the cathedral.
Choir cues, glisten between her thighs and the stars align.
Praise our son, so new, crisp like an unused notepad.
Drive your quill right through my soul.
Don't think that I don't know him because I'm not on my knees.

Everyone's flesh tastes best after wine.
Gently pressing
your face into my chest, let me hear you.
I was there when you born.

When you can walk no more I carried your weight and my own guilt. Which is more than you can say.
Let my voice sound out like the guns that start a war.
Let us all know that she was called a whore.
Palms down, Psalms down, Candles lit.
Home aflame and they ran for days.
Veil across my face, keep the sand from my eyes, and the tears at bay...

Praise our Savior Christ with his copper crusted halo and paper thin skin. You don't believe, because you don't let it set in.
You DO believe, but you don't know what you're reading.
All babies speak the language first.
With a raised fist.
A moral you must've missed.

Amen.
-Saree McClaran
Nov 30th 2012

Orange warmth floats and the dust in the sun spots looks like glitter. Crawling on the walls the shadows of autumn whisper heavily.
Go to sleep for the winter, the air is getting moist.
Relief of sighs, soft thighs, but we're out of time and I'm shoving myself through the doggie door into a hidden crawlspace.
Know that you shouldn't, but your heart aches.
Times when you used to have less, all the

gold in world can't keep you in place.
It's all rotted away, covered in a layer on dust and mold.
I have to peel you away.
Citrus skin. You've hardened with age. Wormhole.

-Saree McClaran
11-14-12

Twist and turn until you feel each bone break.
Fingers nimble, bitten by frost.
You reach down into the darkness.
Deep end, tidal waves, until you feel your spine.
Caress each sharp edge with your index finger.

Caress each sharp edge with your index finger.Teeth on a comb, and you can finally hear your song.

Never knew the words until I saw your face.

-Saree McClaran

For the first time in a year I feel like myself. With a whirlwind in my own soul I felt like I had been scuba diving in the depths of Hell. With Darkness riding on my coat tails, and paranoia setting in with a little being stirring in my womb. Set on over drive.

Hiding in warm ocean's caves, when all I wanted was to rest. I had to keep moving to break the friction from the tide.
I thought I'd rec

over as soon as I knew my son was earth bound. Darkness still lurked for months, icy cold fingers clawing, dragging on glass. I cowered in the corner, with handfuls of my own hair.
I had been here before, but on my own.

I broke out, for the first time in months, and possibly the first time in 26 years. A new level, a higher plateau. I ran as fast as I could.
The land held more terrors than the sea.
Nestled down for Autumn, safely tucked under trees, in rainbows of leaves. Watching clouds as the sky's moist breath pressed against me.
I heard you whisper for the first time in years.
With tiny hands placed on my chest, eyes looking up. Love.

To Hell and back, for you.
I had sold my soul, lives before. And traveled back to retrieve it.
Tolls were paid, and Angels carried us out. Cloaked in light and the smell of rebirth.
Mother May I.

-Saree McClaran
11-1-12

I need out of my own head. It's like I've been running laps for years and my metaphoric legs are mechanical, my flesh was stripped away and replaced with wires.
I'm unable to stop running even when I need a rest.
I run from everything that means anything to me, because I fear that if I stop I will rust and wither away.
My pride will be hurt, so instead I puncture it myself.
Tiny pinholes to seep out through, dirty water has filled my lungs, and I made you sick this way.
I've waded out, coaxed you close, to drown you out.
She's crawling through soft veiled insides to reach you.
"How many times have I met you here?", she whispers.
Too many times, I fear.
I'm learning how to walk again, slow down, slow drive, learning all those moves.
Fingertips tracing shapes in sand,
look up, target. cheap shot.
Arrows through your heart, shooting with a blind eye.
Her half grin and gleam in her eyes.
She lies that she won't be going there again, as she puts on her best dress.
Walking out the door, haven't seen her in months.
Missing reports, filed.

Rory

I love you.

Son.

Thousands of promises cast from the sky.
I sit and watch as you twist and turn, try to set free.
There's a look in your eyes, that I know is only for me.
The sound of your breath as you softly breathe me in.
I close my eyes and wish I could have half the warmth I did then.
Circled index fingers into our palms, lean in for a kiss but I fall into space.
Propelling us into something so great.
I can't see a week in front, or feel a week back.
I don't want anything but that moment, transfixed in crystal with goblets of harden lace.
The way your eyelashes reach, and the smile drawn on your face.
Something reminds me, when I see the shooting star I wished on that night.
That all will be well, and all is all right.
Press into me and rock me so slow because I've forgotten how to stand.
Sway back and forth, it's the waves brought me here.
And the tides that will bring us back up. Slow... warmth... breathe.
With our son in my arms.

-Saree Mcclaran

Sitting with wild thoughts that swallowed her up like pages of her favorite childhood books.
The characters were no longer fictional but each had a face for her to recognize.
Breeze blowing softly in from the screen door where others play.
She is inside.
Always inside.
Staring out windows wishing she could fly with them.
Sitting on wires like trapeze artists.
Whirling in her head as she falls onto her bed at night.
Twenty years later staring at a different ceiling counting cracks and beams of light that make their way in through colored curtains.
Inside, always inside.

We used to lay on those sheets but now they cover the sky.
There is a taste in the air that fills me with a bit of regret.
Where am I, as I'm crawling through grass to find her hands?
Dug up like brittle bones, cat's claws through our bags on garbage night.
Are there secrets you want to share?
Tangled silk strands wrap us together and I taste the ocean on you now.

Maybe I read too deeply into the lyrics.
Maybe I hear the details too clearly.
Throw it away, I hold it all too dear to me.
I can hear her whispering still.
I never let her go.
And now I'm stuck inside.

-Saree McClaran

Waterlogged, Cracked skin.
Come out of your casing.
Fingers pruned from months of waiting.
Flutters violent in that cell
I hear your call, feel your heat.
Like drums, you Beat.

-Saree

"I could recite the grass on a hill. Memorize the moon.
I know the cloud forms of Love by heart.
And have brought tears, to the eye of the storm.
My memory banks, vaults of autumn forest and amazon river banks.
I've screamed them into the sunsets, that echo, in earthquakes.

Shadows have been my spotlight. As I, Monologue the night, and Dialogue with days.
Soliloquies of wind and breeze
Applauded by Sun rays.

I'm a star, this life's the suburbs, I commute."

-Saul Williams

Mother May I.

Her soft lips now chapped.
Calling chants that she blindly reads, but can never quite understand.
She can not live in peace.
She sits uprooted like a willow tree on the water's edge.
Always reaching, her limbs no longer comforting as they once were.
I can not climb these branches.
No.
I've watered her with what love I could.
I laid in her shade and read her stories that Prophets wrote specifically for me.
She listened, but they never soaked into her soil.
I can't get through the surface.
Her bark, thick. Denial.
Dogs down, beg, beg, beg.

I have to walk away, before I fall away.

I watch her crawling so,
She thinks she knows it though.
That he's come for her, but he'll walk passed.
Those who are saved, need be saved last.
I'm choking on your roots.
I can't cut through, I can't cut loose.
As I'm suffocating from your deafening sound.
You no longer speak words for me to hear.
You saw the trembling waves, and showed that coward's face.
What is it that you actually fear?

I have to walk away, before I fall away.

Cast me out then.
Cast me out.
Because he won't.
The soft look in her eyes is no longer there.
Thinning silver layers around the sun, Halo sticking in matted hair.
I know what I know from Living.
I know what I know from Loving.
Have you forgotten all the words now?
Mother, May I be excused.
I know them all by heart.

-Saree McClaran

The things you own, own you.
They'll always come before us, and you'll always be blinded by that.
Too bright. Our light.
This isn't written in braille, so you'll over look this,
the way you over look what you're doing to me.
Drowning, honey, sickening sweet.
Reaching up to reach out.
My mouth is closed, but I still taste it.
I hear them singing from underneath the ice.
Where is the vindication in the realization... dreams never come true.

We've gotten here together?
Why are you so alone...
Post another song, about the hate you've never experienced.
Post another song with lyrics you've never felt.
Soon, you may be singing them for yourself...

Breaking through cracks in the ice to just hear you.
The songs, I've sung them.
The lyrics etched forever in places you've never seen.
Never will. Pray.
Laying in this dirty snow, numb me.
Oh so silly, dumb little me.
Frostbitten but don't say a fucking word.
The leeches will suck me clean.

Lungs

I forget how hard I swam against the tide to get where I am now.
To unexpectedly meet you when I hit the shore.
Lifeless and out of breath. Waterlogged angels carried me.
I remember vividly watching the reflection of light on each bubble reach the surface.
Dark blues with golden accents.
How'd you get the invitation to my funeral?
Heard you whisper from a thousand decades away that 'if you come back to me...',
Felt your fingers in my hair.
My eyelashes felt as though they were cat tails when I tried to open.
The world had been pollinated with ideas that things were good, because we trudged through bad to get to better levels.
But each level looks like same when you're alone.
I spent so much time looking up that I hadn't realized how far we've climbed.
Pause.
This time I'll finally breathe. Breathe me in with you.
Let me rest on your chest and tell me again why it's worth it, not because I need convincing,
But because I love the way the light still shines in you.

-Saree McClaran

Baptize

Wading out.
I've cast stone and spell to reach you.
Can you hear my voice still, rippling out.
Boney fingertips frozen just above the surface,
stolen pinks, flesh and rose water.
I've soiled her christening gown with sin.
He touches my forehead to push me down, but I'm already gasping for air.

Falling down the staircase, I've lost my footing.
Hole in the floor, swallow me, swallow me.
From your halo comes a glow that only the evil could fear.
I'm shaking as the rafters collapse.
The walls are crawling and I put my palms up.
Rabbits burrow inside me.

I used to run through fields alone.
Sliced skin on corn stalks, sun in my eyes.
I believed so fucking hard that I could be saved.
But you never came and I'm coughing up the algae.
Coax you down, I will.
Coax you down, I will.

Saree McClaran

Girls were to scry into mirrors to see their future husband.
What if they are only left staring back at their own beating heart.
Bleeding profusely from the Lovers they hoped had been to be in that mirror.
I'm fastened to your gaze, up your skirt and to the lace.
Love, Love, we'll find a way.

Something Borrowed

You scream out like a sugar high.
With your palms to the ground we'll feel them cave in around us.
Keep calm they can smell you sweating from miles away.
There's a musty basement feeling to these emotions.
Dust me off or put me away.
Slice your ankles on the way up.

You're trailing glitter like a hand grenade.
With small slivers in your fingertips you touch my shaking skin.
Please don't pull away, the second I wake the light eats my eyes.
You eat me like the hounds I fear.
You fill me with a yearning.

Stars can't appease us when galaxies set fire to our bed.
The electric has been turned off and I'm freezing to death.
Floating upstream.
There are cat's eyes all on me.
Burning holes in the silk dress you bought for me.
Walk me down the aisle.

-Saree McClaran

Organs

There's a horrible frequency sound that keeps me up at night.
It's in my head. But it vibrates all the items off shelves, the tables and chairs shaking into the center of the room to collapse on to me.
The rattling is the same sound as chattering teeth while I shiver when you aren't near.

For just the hours in the dark alone, I scrape my fingernails against the wall as I try not to let go.
The floor pulls me down to lay, and in slow motion I see myself drifting up to the ceiling.
It's hard to feel, because I feel too much.
I've always been too easily affected by these vibrations, the voices, the soft pressing fingers of ghosts checking my pulse.
"She's still alive?" They whisper in surprise.

My soul tastes like foreign cakes, delicacy to those who can only taste buried placentas.
Wrap me in these light blue veins. Take me under, pull me through.
Are you strong enough to carry the burden of love? Don't be naive to the truth.
When I'm crawling away like a child exploring, my eyes are shut. Sleep walk.
Have you ever seen the reflection of her eyes on in a pitch dark room?
Mouth open to eat the thoughts right from your conscious.
I've stared her down, become her, and puked myself out.

This is where you find me. Encapsulated in embryo.
A prisoner of waves parted, waiting for these contractions to begin.
Her womb hardens to push me out of this cave.
Will my father catch me as I fall?
Will my mother cry when she looks in my eyes?
Is it fear or is it love? I'll learn with time, it'll always be both.
Pumping blue to meet with red.

-Saree McClaran Feb 2012

Dragon

People don't get offended by metaphors because in metaphors it's all on how your mind identifies with it. If you're offended by it, then maybe it's in your head.
When you're reading it your mind produces the images, the feelings, however you portray it is how it is inside you.
Sometimes the things inside you are too dark to even put creatively.
Sometimes if they aren't out, and brought to light then they'll grab your ankles and drag you down into the evil you've been warned of your whole life.

The year of the Dragon sure started out with a fucking bang. Proof we've been sitting in a water sign far too long. My hands are pruned from pulling myself above the water so many times that drowning myself has been the only way out. Sometimes my own weight becomes the fiercest enemy. I shake it off and I'm new.
But lately the shaking just spread the fears, seeps in through my veins like osmosis and Neptune's vibrations echo out to remind me that soon, may be too soon, but also may be too far away.

Where you get stuck in that corner of your mind between time that fills with static and anxiety.
Like a frightened cat hesitating those few seconds between the tires of the car, and your small child in the backseat who makes eye contact with the cat before you feel the bump.
Your heart sinks, you hear them holding their breath and pray to all that is holy they don't look behind the car.
Or when you've realized you ARE that child. You didn't need to look, your eyes filled with tears and the image of that cat meeting eyes with you is etched into your brain for the rest of your life.
Do you resent yourself for hitting the cat?

You ARE that cat. And the lights are blaring in your eyes. Blinded. You know it's over and are still. You can't stop whatever the thunder brings. You don't know the measurements between the wheels to avoid certain death. Your last image...
What is it?

Your mother? Your children? The Ocean's waves even if you've never seen them in person?
The way the wind creates ripples in the fresh snow the same way?
The brightest leaves blowing on your favorite warm day? The eyes of the last person you hurt?
The one you love crying cuddled up in bed holding on to your belongings?

Don't hesitate. Don't ever fucking hesitate.

Saree McClaran

Things I should never admit

Sometimes there is something under my skin that crawls to the surfaces.
Through my veins it stings and swells until it becomes it's own entity.
Without blades to cut, the skin just tears itself from the inside... only I can see it.
You could be laying right next to me but you'll never see it pouring from me.
You'll never see the inside prying through.
I could be screaming for help but you'll only hear a whisper under my breath,
like confessions in our sleep.

There are fingertips pressing my spine. The fluids cease and freezes and I can no longer...
I'm numb, but it's so dull that I'm vibrating just from the energy I'm using to try and speak.
I'm breaking.
My ultraviolet blood all over your hands.
You can't see, you can never fucking see this.

-Saree McClaran

Dream: 2 purple manta rays water birth

Yesterday I had an amazing dream that it was my due date. For some reason I had a little umbilical cord that had fallen off of me and was holding it in my hand. I felt a bit sad that it had fallen off, like I was no longer connected. I went outside and there was a parade going on, fireworks, music but I was just trying to find my friend Els because it was time for my baby to come.
I was walking up wooden stairs almost to a patio and Erin was there. Her and Elsbeth helped me into a large pool, it became dark out, and there were blue and green lights lit up, I felt beautiful, and peaceful.

Two black and purple manta rays came up to me, they started swimming around me and nudging my belly. They seemed to glow in the dark and were beautiful. They were there to help guide me through my birth and help me have my little boy.
I had him in the pool and they pushed him to the surface, I took him and held him close in my arms and kept thanking them and saying I love you.
I woke up feeling relieved and wishing it were real...