Those words don't ever pass my lips... til Now.

L.
O.
V.
E.

Dream- "My Babies"

I had a dream that we were at my grandparents house for a holiday
dinner, it was winter, and me and boyfriend walked in and I was hugging
everyone, and then my old art teacher showed up.
And I was talking to
him about how I've been trying to draw more often,
and as I'm
talking to him I'm looking out a picture window, that in front of the
picture window outside is the driveway,
and then a railing and a
huge drop/cliff to the river next to the house.
The river is sort of
flooded right now, and the snow is crisp because no one dares to get
close to railing.

Well, I'm looking out and a car pulls out, a
guy gets out, he is dark haired and very tall, he has three little boys
with him.
A tiny toddler, maybe almost 2 years old in a blue and
yellow coat, he is tiny and you can only see his eyes because he is so
bundled up, then there's a little boy probably about 3 years in a grey
coat, he is hugging the tiny one to keep them warm,
and the tiny one
is crying, I assume because he is cold.
Then there is an older boy
about 4 or maybe even a small five year old in a red coat, he is talking to the dad,

and the dad isn't responding he is doing something in the trunk.
I
keep getting nervous cause there are tiny kids by the railing, and my
grandma never wanted me to go near it when I was little.

The dad
has this blank expression on his face, I'm using hand motions to talk to
my art teacher,
but I have no idea now if I was talking or just
watching mouth wide open...
The dad tries to pick up the two little
boys up, but the one slips out from his arm, he seems frustrated,
In
the dream I say "What the hell is that guy doing?!"
everyone turns
around to look, as he grasps the two younger boys by their collars of
their coats,
and he swings the tiniest one off the cliff into the
river.

My brain frantically goes slow motion as I'm screaming
tearing out of the house,
the only thought in my head is to shove
that guy off the cliff so he can't hurt the other two, I'm screaming
silently, I feel myself get hot with fear and anger.
I'm running in slow motion my body is shaking and my legs barely hit the ground I running so hard.
My grandpa runs to the
closet I hear a gun clicking while he loads it quickly,
I don't understand, is he going to shoot the guy?

but I'm
already running out the door across the yard hands out ready to shove,
my eyes have a sheild of tears, my mouth screaming silently still, I'm hysterical.
I'm thinking "my babies!"
I have no coat or shoes on, I don't
care.
I want that guy dead, I want to save the little boys that I keep associating with "My babies" (I don't have children yet) , I want to jump
in the river and find the other one.
My boyfriend grabs my sweater,
running behind me, he has to tackle me to the ground and stop me,
he
says without words that the guy is so big he could easily swing me over
the edge too,
I don't care I NEED to stop this, I'm shoving hard trying to get up
I'm
screaming in my dream to wake up.

Tell me I'm wrong

Falling in...
while you're fall in out.
Topsy Turvy sickness.
My heart and my mind playing with the trick-ness.
Swift, fall, quick.
Too late, too slick.
On the floor looking up,
One long pause, one deep cut.
Said too soon, not soon enough.
You're holding back while I'm pushing in.
He said, She said,
You've got to let go, to win.
I've let go, and have none left...
It's your turn.
I lit my match and watched in burn.
It's your turn.
Watch the rain...
Cinder, ashes, dust.
Went back to pick up the pieces,
grab my wrist, say this is not lust.
Up against the wall,
If you let go I'll fall.
Choking on what's left from the smoke,
hung out to dry, hung up on hope.
Heart on my sleeve tearing at the carpet as I watch myself leave.
Close the door.
Close the door...



Saree McClaran
January 2010

Dream: Beaches Destruction

I had a dream about a week ago that woke me up, breathless and in tears.
I was outside near a beach with what seemed like my toddler, we were making shapes in the sand and we lived in a small home off the coast, my toddler had blonde little curls and felt like a boy.
Quickly everything started feeling shakey, I grabbed up my son and put him on the backpack I had to carry him in, he clung to me terrified as I ran to our home, community,
everything was crashing, the beach was being lapped up in water so quickly and I was crying,
when I got to my home my town was in rubble.
There was an earthquake and I looked up and a building was tumbling down,
I swung my son under my body as quickly as possible to cover him, because I wanted him near my heart

There's ceratin random times where I catch glimpses out of the corners of my eyes of people and animals, usually cats.
And it's been happening a lot recently.
I get this weird feeling like I'm being told by something... some stronger force than me that I'm supposed to be doing something...
something more.
But I'm stuck here, stagnet in this life, in this town.. where no one can hear me.
And no one cares about anyone, or anything.
I don't know what to do, or where to turn.
I'm not upset by the images that I see, I'm just confused...
Why am I seeing them?
Are they just energies manifesting into images so that I can see them, or am I just imagining them?
Imagining them for 23 years....?
That's kind of difficult to believe, but what's the use in making sense of it, if I can't do anything with it?
I feel like the cats are signs; but for what? I'm not sure.

Maybe I'm just completely out of my mind. Which I suppose is quite possible, hah.
I've been really weirdly paranoid lately and having terrible nightmares again.
I suppose it's the stress at work, trying to eat at the other good things that are in my life and make me feel like I'm...
I don't know... I'm at a loss of words for once.... Like I'm not good enough I suppose.
Like I'll fail at everything I strive for; a reoccurring dream... of being abandoned.
Of saying that I love someone and they walk away, or they tell me they don't feel the same.
And when I wake up the dreams feel so real that I'm sometimes almost sure they are.
Like it was whispered in my ear when I was sleeping...
Like it's engrained in my brain to set myself up to fall, so no one else can hurt me... the way I'm afraid of being hurt.
I wish the nightmares would stop, because they aren't visually upset, they just break my heart...
continuously. Night after night my heart is shattered, and when I wake up I don't understand why these shards of my heart are spread out all over my sheets.
And why I'm feeling so.... pathetic... insecure...
It's just a dream....
It's just my mind playing tricks on me...
Just defense mechanisms I used to fall into... and no longer want to use.
It's just my heart... terrified of how quickly it repaired itself...
terrified of how strongly I feel....
how it's never been this way before....
How I never even loved anyone I thought I loved before.... not after how I feel now.
The dreams I can explain... mostly...

I need to realize I'm not in control of anything in this world, in this life.
I just need to do whatever I was put here to do....
whatever that is...
I need some kind of sign as to what the hell is going on though...
with the images... the cats... the shadows...

Glitter Nest

The Sparrow set off on a New Journey, early this year...
I'm going to stop wishes on those Stars.
I'm going to Make them Mine.
I'm going to Revitalize this old soul.
I'm going to Breathe easy knowing that,
We are all Loved.
I'm going to seek light, and bathe in the Sun.

My Wings are spread.
I'm ready to Soar.