I scrolled through motivational posts to keep my spirits up.
I made my own, I continued on my guise, my alter ego, as a clutch.
I stopped at a post that was a picture side by side of "two break ups."
---One was a girl who savagely threw all items into the yard scattered, trashed, and with every ounce of strength in her probably crying herself hysterically into convulsions.
the second was everything nicely folded on the stairs up to the door. Meticulously organized and each memories placed in boxes mourned to the point where it was already dead, as dead as her neglected heart.
The caption was Girl one is most likely to take him back, Girl two was done.

I sighed but it stuck in my head. I lied twice about locking myself out of the house.
One time because I missed you even though I should have just let go, I already knew whose legs you were between, though you'd coax mine open with loving lies. Half lies, you're a confusing breed.
The one that feels with their soul, but denies it so fiercely that you've convinced yourself you don't.
The other time, I tried to keep my key, this time was goodbye.
I thought.

You kissed differently for those months. I cried hysterically to the point of convulsions in the sheets we used to lay. Clutching my stomach and chest and letting hell dance from me as I cursed you and cursed her... however many hers there ended up being.
As I still smiled, I still held your hand, and still let her hug me while staring you down.
I played the part I thought I had to play, Whatever you wanted, I made as many sacrifices as I could.
My face on the fool card... wishing I was the Hanged Man instead, I pulled a Strength but I felt weak.
I'd ask questions and never be met with truth. Each lie made my mouth taste more and more bitter.
But never once did I use the venom that encompassed me.
I collected tiny pieces of myself and continued to play this stupid dance number you were choreographing.
Whether she was also a pawn, or just some goal, or you were both each others sick Fuck game.
Where she continues to brag about bedding peoples friends and humans that's claim to be taken by another.
I know you had done this with others, with the same girl you called succubus and evil.
That you sent "I heart You" while laying naked in my bed while I was at work claiming it meant nothing.
You instead, made ME feel like nothing.

I wanted to envy her. Even though I reached out to her, an open hand not hiding any tricks.
I asked straightforwardly, but cowards never tell the truth.
At the time you two were deserving of each other.
Cold, coiled up in dark caves at night, whispering lies to each other in musty rooms where her make up would smear your pillowcases. I envisioned the light of your screen saver reflecting off her face and wide eyes as I entered your room.
The smirk, I wanted to slice off of her face. I wanted to light your bed on fire.
I wanted to set your red curtains into flames, engulfing your room. I lit candles with hatred.
But never with envy.

I set a protection on myself. I breathed in the serpents blood.
I danced with my demons while letting them tear viciously.
I was no where near weak, I was forgiving.
I had to be, I was the only one that knew your safe words.
I had too many dreams about the soul trapped in you to let you bury yourself.
But now, you keep burying me.