You are Here. I AM Here.

It's encased in my ribcage. My pretty little drum machine.
Be good baby, cause I'm not as fragile as I look.

Speak too soon.

What the fuck does it matter at this point.
Lot of sporadic dreaming that I can't remember.
Not as many migraines, but more and more little visions...
Hallucinating and prophetical. What's the difference??

Dig holes. Fill wombs. Eat well. Knock on Tombs.
Pay my respects to whatever, whomever, you are. Call, Call, Call.
There are bats all around- spirits and souls on their backs.

Dream: Tubes

I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and I wasn't wearing a shirt I looked down and it looked like a little needle was trying to poke through my skin on my nipple, from the inside trying to poke out.
So I grabbed it and started pulling, and pulling, and pulling.
The first part looked like a blue needle but then it go to more the thickness of a straw, it was a tube, and it was pretty durable, like a rubbery material.
It was about the length of my arm.
I got up and went into the bathroom, it was the bathroom of my mom's old place, where the one bathroom on the side led to my old bedroom.
I walked in and my mom was there sitting, reading a book I showed her the tube.
I looked down and my nipple was leaking, whiteish watery stuff, like milk.

Hungry

You think you're free? You look ahead and behind and your just another in the line. You see the path it's so close. But you fear the run.
You'll heal from the bruises, believe me. The pain goes away once you reach that field, there is a clearing before the woods.
You stay in the single file line and you'll never see it.
The most beautiful thing that man can comprehend, you might find someone you love, if you can break away.
Find a hand to hold. and run together.
But first you'll have to recover all your pieces, because when you take that leap they're going to try to shoot you down.
All the others that have let their past keep them in place.
Sharp shards from your previously broken hearts cutting holes in your chest.
Let yourself seep out through them, Free your soul.
Find your heart.

-Saree

I dreamt that my hair was past my shoulders and different shades of reds and blonde.
I was standing in the mirror, holding a mirror looking at the back, when the colors started seeping down my back like a watercolor painting. It made my hair grow longer, in waves and small curls tumbling down.

Save me.

I keep feeling disoriented, it might be the medication I'm on right now though.
I feel slightly tipped to the left. Not me in general, but my planetary alignment.
I feel too bold, I feel slightly.... scratch that... incredibly manic.
As though I'm invincible. Though I'm far from it.
I felt like I had tasted death in my mouth again, for over a week while an infection streamed rapidly through my blood, and I could feel it clogging me with sickness.
The sensation was that of hell running it's softer fingertips down my back and grasps my soul and twisting it, just enough yo send jolting pain through my body.
The one night in particular where I laid in my apartment alone I had nothing to relieve my mind.
No silly cute boyfriend to adjust my vision, no mindframe that could even be touched my reality.
I was laying in bed crying as the dark shadows loomed over me like they do at times where I can't find myself, like a swelling cloud of faces that are watching me I cried into my pillow as my cat watched me wide-eyed.

I finally got enough motivation to struggle to the bathroom, I am telling you the pain was excruciating. I left all the lights off and climbed into a bath, too hot at first, and laid in it hallucinating until the water was cool.
She lived here before me, and I often only see her in my 'sleep paralysis' episodes (which I need to update my "dream" journal with the last one from a week weeks ago)
She sat on the edge of the bathtub. When I first moved her her hair was straggly, unkempt, and now when I feel her she is healthier looking, for what it's worth I can sometimes she what she might look like if she was still actually here and not stuck in some limbo.
I feel her energy now almost as though she tries to protect me.
I can't explain it and it's entirely bizarre. I just bawled my eyes out, she looked straight a head, never looking at me. That's when I knew I had to go to the hospital and get medical help before the infection affected anything else.
I couldn't that night though, I was exhausted.

If I don't keep my job because of getting sick, so be it.
Struggling is what I'm best at, finding my way.
Tearing down walls and climbing further than before.
Why does money mean so much in this life? No I don't expect to live freely, just not as restricted.
I need to own less. My Possessions, possess me.

The full moon is releasing still, it does for about two weeks into the new moon where intentions will be made again.
Let. Go.

Be it.

She's on a four way track. Each path will lead her here.
She's on a midnight train with the blazing sun inside and it's her eyes that light our way.
Branded by the ghosts she sees so well while loosing sight.
When do you want to move on? When do you want to move on?
I've backtracked, ran those paths and searched all the land and come back just to face the mirrors set before my feet. She's dancing in the rain and waiting her turn.
I've fought my battles, I've climbed these walls, path five has just been set.
Set forth. On On On. You want to move? You have to feel the rhythm.
You'll be lost in the dark without it.
Like a child finding her footing, you gain your sight, it's not given.

Wading in the Waves

Dream: cloud house slit wrists

I was in this giant beautiful house and I realized that I lived there. When I looked out on the deck there were beautiful pink and orange and purple clouds that looked like bubbles in the perfect bubble bath. I was walking through a corridor from the main room, which looked like a ball room, into the kitchen, which had all huge picture windows that led to a deck/porch that wrapped around the house.
Looking out the windows made it look like the house was being held up by the clouds.
I was carrying a picture around, I couldn't tell what it was of, but I went onto the porch and
there were two old women and they said they were my aunts and I felt excited to see them...
at first.

I kissed the one of the cheek and the other one grabbed my wrist and twisted my arm upward and told me to let her see my wounds. I yanked my arm away and was overcome by fear and guilt I looked down and she had unravel a bandage that was around my wrist, and my wrist had several cuts on it, and they were bleeding, this dark purple and red colors swirling.
I looked up and there were a bunch of people and they were all staring at me and gasping.
I turned and ran a circle around the island in the kitchen, I went to go out a door but there were more people and it was getting crowded.
I saw the front door, and opened it, I kept thinking how beautiful the clouds were and that they seemed to engulf the whole house, and how I could barely even see the green grass I was running on.

Then I woke feeling completely lonely and depressed and the bad mood hasn't worn off still.

Woke up feeling seriously depressed. Trancey. Droney. Greyish hazy depressed.

For as back as I can remember I get ideas in my head, horrible ideas of things happening that will never happen. I was probably 8 or 9 when my mom asked me if she and my dog, Grumbles, were tied to the railroad tracks, and I could only save one, who would I save? None of the bizarre questions ever asked seemed bizarre when I was young. They only do now, because they still float around in my head. I obviously answered that I would save my mom first.
But Grumbles, my Boston terrier with one blue eye, and one brown eye, slept in my bed with me, and I laid and wondered if he knew how I answered, and if he loved me less now.

I have an over active- over inquisitive mind. I got put in the "bad kids" room at a church when I was 5 or 6 for asking why we were Thanking God for the cheese, shouldn't we be thanking him for Cows? I remember people started laughing, others were saying "awww" and a woman telling me to follow her as we went into some room that had stale glazed donuts, and two other little kids.

I started thinking about all of this, because my depression didn't "fade" away.
I would picture myself drowning and had deja vu in everything going on, to the point where my dreams were catching up with my reality that it was fucking with my head. I felt like I had been left for dead somewhere, beaten and torn, crawling out of the Ocean I was walking... straggling back to the shore, back home, and Stridulum II happened to be the soundtrack of that happening.
One day I woke up and was too busy to realize that my depression was getting better, I knew that it was, I knew I was strong the whole time, I had given everyone else the power to take control and pick apart whatever was left on my bones.
Mostly my depression was caused by my being mad at myself for giving others that power, and they took advantage of me, and I couldn't retaliate because I was too afraid to stand back up, being how brittle I was feeling.
I look at pictures of myself, and it could look like the most beautiful photo of me, but I see the emptiness, the dark calling in my eyes, where I can see my fingers then my hand, like slow motion emerging from the water.

It passes in my mind, one of those nightmare thoughts that seize me at times where I'm laying staring at the ceiling when my mind is reeling.
What if I'm in a coma right now? And at any moment I'll wake up, to the bright blinding lights of a hospital, hoping that when my vision clears I'm in Heaven instead...
I'm more delusional that I thought evidently...
I rather be able to reflect on this, than erase it.
I don't want to erase anything. I want to create from it all. Like a dark almost dead tree that moss has taken over, one day getting small buds on leaves start form, slowly.
Or in my case, over night, and blooming with beautiful blossoms.

Fucking hell, this better never end.
I'm in the most beautiful psychosis.

Some days I really do feel entirely out of my mind.
There's been this entrancing hall in my mind that takes me somewhere away from myself.
I learned to do this since I was young, so that I could function like a civilized human being, an actress of sorts.
I have the keys, and there are so many trap doors before the door at the end of this hall.
Describing it is impossible. The more I try the more obscure everything seems.

Like jagged clouds painted on a wall that when you stare long enough at them, they start to move. Or how everything has traces of lime green and purple, no matter where I look though no one else ever sees it. How my cat sees the shadows form in the corner above my bed when I'm bed ridden with depression.
And how I'm absolutely terrified that things are going too well, too amazingly, too beautifully.
My life feels so good. I feel after everything I have gone through, run from, crawled through, pushed passed, has cleared and I'm in a fresh field.

The grass is absolutely perfect, lush and green, speckled with small white and blue flowers and there are tiny delicate butterflies floating back and forth. There is nothing else in sight, just beauty. The sky is peaceful, no animals are harmed. The climate is warm and crisp.
I can lay down and sleep for as long as I want, twirl and spin, somersault, sing, and no one is going to tell me I'm not allowed.
Like a mirrored heart, bursting, full and warm. Like the colors orange and purple.
Everything has been combined in a pleasurable manner to create complete perfection.
I can't stop laughing.
This echoing excitement fills my inside.

Close my eyes and run with it? I'm wide fucking open.
We can paint everything how we've always wanted it to be.
 I feel everything.
Everything.

Dream: Airplane interuption Party drug- missing bathroom.

I was at a train station, sitting on a miniature train like the ones you see children riding on in movies. My boss Debbie was with me we were laughing and I was talking someone on my phone.
I heard this strange buzzing noise, like a giant swarm of bees, I turned to my side and there was an airplane coming dangerously close to us. It was right near my head, almost as though it were trying to run into me. Debbie kept waving her hand signaling for them to stop because they were almost hitting me, she was screaming at them, and suddenly the train fell off the tracks.
We kept tumbling down until I was completely alone.
I landed in a giant pile of clear plastic/cellophane.

I stood up and I was at some house party.
I recognized a bunch of people but the time was lapsed as though I were on drugs, I couldn't quite function. I sat down on a green velvet couch and tried to close my eyes, I felt so thirsty that my throat was hurting.
I got up and couldn't find any of my friends, I was upset cause I couldn't find my phone. I was worried that I had been drugged. I opened a door and it lead to the sky. If I would have taken a step forward I would have fallen I assume. I hurried to close the door, I starting feeling very ill and stumbling into walls, people seemed to be talking to me but I couldn't hear.
I locked myself in the bathroom and cried on the floor next to the bath tub.
I felt so lost, I looked up and I was in my grandma's bathroom. I felt relieved, I looked out the window to her yard.
I went to open the door so I could run down stairs, but I was in the same house where I was.
I slammed the door closed.
I had to pee, but the toilet was missing.
I started to pee in a bucket, I woke up having to pee