There's ceratin random times where I catch glimpses out of the corners of my eyes of people and animals, usually cats.
And it's been happening a lot recently.
I get this weird feeling like I'm being told by something... some stronger force than me that I'm supposed to be doing something...
something more.
But I'm stuck here, stagnet in this life, in this town.. where no one can hear me.
And no one cares about anyone, or anything.
I don't know what to do, or where to turn.
I'm not upset by the images that I see, I'm just confused...
Why am I seeing them?
Are they just energies manifesting into images so that I can see them, or am I just imagining them?
Imagining them for 23 years....?
That's kind of difficult to believe, but what's the use in making sense of it, if I can't do anything with it?
I feel like the cats are signs; but for what? I'm not sure.

Maybe I'm just completely out of my mind. Which I suppose is quite possible, hah.
I've been really weirdly paranoid lately and having terrible nightmares again.
I suppose it's the stress at work, trying to eat at the other good things that are in my life and make me feel like I'm...
I don't know... I'm at a loss of words for once.... Like I'm not good enough I suppose.
Like I'll fail at everything I strive for; a reoccurring dream... of being abandoned.
Of saying that I love someone and they walk away, or they tell me they don't feel the same.
And when I wake up the dreams feel so real that I'm sometimes almost sure they are.
Like it was whispered in my ear when I was sleeping...
Like it's engrained in my brain to set myself up to fall, so no one else can hurt me... the way I'm afraid of being hurt.
I wish the nightmares would stop, because they aren't visually upset, they just break my heart...
continuously. Night after night my heart is shattered, and when I wake up I don't understand why these shards of my heart are spread out all over my sheets.
And why I'm feeling so.... pathetic... insecure...
It's just a dream....
It's just my mind playing tricks on me...
Just defense mechanisms I used to fall into... and no longer want to use.
It's just my heart... terrified of how quickly it repaired itself...
terrified of how strongly I feel....
how it's never been this way before....
How I never even loved anyone I thought I loved before.... not after how I feel now.
The dreams I can explain... mostly...

I need to realize I'm not in control of anything in this world, in this life.
I just need to do whatever I was put here to do....
whatever that is...
I need some kind of sign as to what the hell is going on though...
with the images... the cats... the shadows...