Butaine.

If you even Knew... Who I "used" to be...
Or how many "used to be"s I have been.

If you could imagine how many worlds I have swallowed down.
How many times I've been too sensitive and let my skin grow thicker to have to peel back layers just to feel again.
If you knew how much negativity I've endured, the complete darkness I've cut holes in to pretend I had stars to wish for you on.
How many I've actually ruined, to set my karma, to ruin myself to wipe that slate clean.
Repeat.
How many hearts, broken, repaired and sent on their way with pieces I've given, with then promising me- never ever let me see you again. Strangers farewell.
How I am shaped by unfilteration, that being filtered will condemn you as a liar;
Momma didn't raise a Liar...
You have no idea how many lies I've had to tell...
and who I've had to tell them to to keep my head above the water.
If you could imagine the amount of venom I've sucked from my wounds, the hateful words I've pretended didn't permeate into my skin.
All the times I made that toxicity look like glitter glistening in the sun so I had light to dance in.
The toxicity has since filtered, but the soil still tastes like metal.

Sometimes I am selfish. I let the past eat me whole.
I revel in my mistakes, I dwell on words I could have, should have, would have said.
I look at the clock and count times I've wasted... while wasting more; years pass and I had no closure for so fucking long.
That my hands are raw for trying to make ends meet that never began.
Lead in circles that were triangles that outline a path I took dead ends to.
No outlet. And I'll take the blame to forget these conversations will always happen.
I'll play the villain and the victim and wear a pretty fucking dress with my hair in bows.
Most things in this world are broken.  Blinded.
If you quit looking at where I'm cracking and helped me over the wounds like I thought you could...
You would see the light I've been trying to ignite.

July 2013
Saree McClaran