Real update… My struggle through postpartum depression.

I have finally- within the last few months come to terms with the fact that I was in denial of the affects of post partum depression and Pre partum depression.
No one ever mentions pre partum, they attribute it to being “overly sensitive” and “oh it’s just pregnancy hormones!” Like you must be delusional. You must not know yourself since you’re pregnant?
And that… Is when you actually start to wonder. You question yourself, your actions, your reality… Do you know what you are doing?
Why are you so depressed? You must not deserve this baby if you can’t even delve into what a magical occurrence this is!
The worst part is that you DO know how magic it all is, you have wanted a baby for years, you’ve mothered other children, fell asleep with them clinging to you, been called mama, loved. So you questioning your OWN child growing in your womb is pure selfishness!
You feel unsure and that is completely normal, but then a haze falls over you… When others are also unsure. You step back to realize you have no support net behind you, they’ve scattered, left you standing naked… Confused.
You reach in the dark for hands but are only greeted with cold concrete walls.
This is your mind. This is the womb YOU remember being told could not bear children… This is your depression. When you don’t just think it in your head, but verbally express fear that your child will be better without you, that you feel empty, that you are soaking a permeated in a complete darkness so intense that life inside you stirs and you stare wide eyed at the ceiling… “Please, please…. Get better” you ask yourself.
When your labor not only does not go as planned, but you’ve almost died. You tasted death in your mouth while demons with open hands grinned while you struggled to bring your child earthbound.
Strapped down, both arms outstretched, cold, naked, and sliced open. You hear him cry.
You couldn’t even give him the birth he deserved…
Guilt. For months… Every time you see him you want to hold him forever. Your eyes burn from all the tears they’ve cried, for him.
He is so full of love, hope….
Why are you still so full of guilt and fear?
Why do you feel so undeserving?
Why can’t you shake this? Why isn’t anyone helping as you are crawling…
Instead stepping on your hands, tearing at you… Blaming you.
He is finally old enough… He reaches up and wipes your tears. He nuzzles into your chest and with his tiny voice says “Mama.”
A light surrounds you, a ray of sun through the trees engulfs you both. “I La-ya” he says and tilts his head and he spirals his fingers in your hair…
The storm had passed. The grass is fresh. The birds are chirping. Your heart is filled with him. And he knows. That is all that matters… HE is all that matters…
You made it.