Last summer I read a story about a woman that spent her whole life not being aware she had manic depression. She was in and out of mental institutions from a young age until later in life she decided after many therapists failed that she would get Electric Shock Therapy...
She said for years after that she was the happiest she had been in her entire life.
I had been severely depressed for over a year and almost fantasized about getting electric shock therapy for myself. I was at my exes apartment and fell backward into a wall, to catch myself I grabbed the water heater, at just an angle that the voltage electrocuted me for a moment.
He stood there and stared at me.
I couldn't respond.
Or think.
or feel anything what so ever.
I went into the other room when I remembered how to walk,
I sat on the edge of the bed, I couldn't feel my arm except a buzzing that was circling it's way through my body.
I started laughing hysterically. I imagined a small blue spark spiraling through my blood chasing out all my depression.
I laughed so hard I started bawling. He stood in the doorway and asked me what happened? What was wrong.
What I couldn't say... was that I fell out of love with him.
I walked home that night and everything was glistening, it started pouring as I reached my house, and instead of going in, I kept walking in it. Hoping I would be struck by lightening.
I researched the author of the book I had read, and she killed herself 6 years later.
She drown herself in her husband's mistresses pool.
And I can't help but think. How fucking beautiful.
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